My brother hasn’t talked to me for over  3 weeks. Not a word. If I fully directed a question to him, he would continue what he was doing as if I hadn’t even entered the room.

And as I’m sure a lot of you have felt and known, being ignored fucking sucks.

He’ll come through the front door and I’ll grin over to him, about to yell out a greeting with an obscenity after it (a thing we siblings do in this family), but he’ll walk straight past me. I wouldn’t give it a thought if he ignored all of us, since he usually is a bit […]

I was introduced to my depression at a young age, in elementry school. I had ADD, and was given medicine that didn’t help. Wanted to know, why I am like this. My mom told me I had control of it. I think that pressure made me frustrated and unable to focus on learning at school even more, to where I drift off. Just feeling inadequete. I was called names, like retard and stupid. I never recovered from the ADD, so Its not like I could prove anyone otherwise. My mom is deeply religious, and believes that God […]

Its odd for me because being suicidal has left me down low but at the same time It has been freeing. I feel like now I can do whatever I want to and I don’t care. I am a good person so I am kept in check there, but I feel like now what ever I want to do I should. Thats the only way I can really live.  I could never get a boring job and spend my life for a little money to survive and living mediocrity and boredom. Now I don’t ever have to because survival isn’t a priority, I would rather […]

Well, it’s going on about five weeks now, but I digress.

Starting about four or five Sunday’s ago, I awoke on my couch in my apartment (I was alone, I live with my older brother {I pay my own rent} and he was in Texas for a Judo tournament) and my head and chest hurt extremely.  I couldn’t find my phone because the pain was literately blinding me when I was conscious, which didn’t last long; I continued to black out about 20 seconds after I would regain consciousness.  Because of this, I don’t remember what happened at all, and if I could have found my […]

Before I was eight years old I didn’t like to remember much about my childhood.

It was my psychological way of dealing with the sexual abuse I suffered when I was so young. If I never thought about it than I could block it out.

There’s just one problem: I have an amazing memory.

I’m not just saying that to brag, but my brain is different when it comes to remembering things than other people’s. It’s like a photographic memory in the way that it takes pictures of the things I see, but I remember things I hear as well. I can recite entire conversations I’ve had with […]

I just keep going back to it.  I don’t want drama. I don’t want to inflict pain. I just want it to be over. I’m tired. So very tired.

I wish I could just disappear. Vanish. No residue.

Even writing this right now…I don’t know. I want NO traces, and yet I feel this need to simply express what I am feeling.  To give some release to this incredible pressure I feel inside.

The odd thing is…

the ONE thing that has ever mattered to me, has been accomplished.  Really WELL.  I never knew what I wanted to “do” with my life.  Except for one thing.  The first time […]

I’ve lived my life in ignorant bliss untill 7th grade. This is when my life started a down turn into the turmoil im in. I’ve been through constant bullshit, 80% of the fucking people arround me hating me or lacking the sheer respect to keep their fucking hate to themselves. Now im a junior and its gone from that retatded fag, to that fucking freak. Im not gay, and because im different, and im not “normal” like you and your friends and everyone else makes me a outcast. Embrace our uniqueness they tell you, fuck them! I want it to stop, it would be a […]

Hate is a strong word
Yea I fucking knew that already
But here’s a list of things I hate
I’ll start with the fucker who raped me

Joe
Rose
Daniella
Dorcus
Jamie
Jake
Luke
Steve
Homework
Hospitals
Meds
Feds
Mornings
hope rings
Oh and especially myself.

Time flows so slowly
The agonizing seconds drone by
Like a bunch of stinging bees
Protecting their queen and hive

Yet blood flows so quickly
From my arms, my legs, my neck
It seems so good to me
To bleed when I have nothing left

To destroy this body
Cursed and damned by fate
Is my ultimate goal
To my funeral I will not be late

I’ll slit my wrists and gash my neck
And in this bathtub I’ll bleed out
While making sure not to leave a mess
For no one likes to clean in this house

And there they’ll find me
My razor in my hand
And […]

From my understanding, most life insurance policies DO cover suicide ONLY AFTER TWO years have passed. I took out this policy about a year ago because I want to prevent a financial hardship to my mother and brother (who financially depend on me).

Would someone please confirm how else I can protect my family financially and also to prevent the insurance company from refusing payment. For obvious reasons I cannot call them with such question.

Need advise. Thanks

Hey I’ve just been having a hard time here.   I’m finally financially secure but not emotionally.   My dad thinks I’m fine he used to at least be on the island but has now decided to move to Wyoming.   Not that he has ever really been close to me to begin with but that is just like the nails in the coffin now he really is gone.   My mother is having some stress because her health insurance is no longer going to pay for her psychotherapy treatments and on top of that my stepfather (who I can’t stand by the way) is getting sicker […]

How can I do anything when my only known thought process is to allow myself to get bullied and stomped over. I truley believe I’m not worth a damned thing, at all. I know I’m not, I’m a horrible person. I haven’t gotten a true friend in the world. I ‘keep busy’, as I hang out with all these people that if they knew the ‘real me’, they would have left a long time ago. How do I live when I’m constantly pushing myself lower. I want so much more than I deserve. I want a friend, a life, I want a hope in this […]

Times like this I just want to disappear. Just vanish into thin air. No one will ever find me. I lay here looking at the stars, wonder if there’s any were I can go n forget everything.

This is what my soul looks like.

All alone, heart broken, and cries only blood because real tears stop flowing years ago.

I got this tattoo today because tattoos are my version of cutting myself. All my tattoos have blood in them because i have a phobia of blood, and they are all dark, because well i only see this world as dark. This is the smallest one i have, but i think i like this one the […]

If you could learn one thing what would it be? For example:

1) You probably have people in their life (parents, perhaps boss or friend) who are overbearing. You just say ‘yes’ to what this person wants in hopes they go away. You could learn how to say ‘no’ without fear.

2) You’re probably very lonely and disconnected from the world. You could learn how to feel understood and be accepted by others.

3) You probably sit at home every day and watch TV and go on the internet instead of doing something exciting. You can learn how to live an exciting […]

Yes im crazy, have issues but I dont need ni mother fucking doctors in pysco hospitals telling me what to.do, dont need therepist talking likebthey know me and I sure dont need help all I need is somev alcholo and a plan…im pist, stress,lonely and depress that explains it all >:O

Everywhere I turn

I can feel them staring

I know they all know

what I seem to be bearing

Not the cuts,

not the crying,

but the rumours,

and the lying

And I don’t know who to trust

or who to be

all I know is that they’re all staring,

straight at me

Well like the title said, Im about to celebrate one month on my anti depressants.

I feel better, and my friends are noticing a difference. Its a relief. I honestly never thought I could start to feel this much better. I dont remember being able to laugh and smile so much. Its just wonderful.

If I could talk to the boy I hurt so much, I would thank him. I still miss him but im hoping that feeling will fade over time. Hes the only reason I ever got on the meds and im still scared he committed suicide. But I realize as much pain it was to separate myself from him, […]

So a few months ago i had a post about whether i should tell my mom about me being suicidal. Well i decided to tell her but the problem is i don’t know how to tell her . Anyone please help me to figure out how to do this!!!

Life is funny for some of us.  As long as we keep toiling and hanging on the moments of joy and peace are fleeting and teasing like a contest at a county fair or a playful friend.

And then one decides on ones own demise.  One makes final preparations and gets the methiods ready. One goes through the process of releasing oneself from the cares of the world.

And then life wants to pull out the spinning backfist to the kidneys while you are looking at death.  And it hits in one of those places that cannot be ignored.  Sometimes if it is something for the self, […]