I’m not suicidal, even though I have been in the past, but I want every one reading this to know they matter and that there are people around you who care and love you.
I lost one of my best friends just a week ago to suicide. He was depressed and under extreme pressure in his academic and social life. He didn’t believe that the girl he had been in love with for four years had any interest in him and that he was too dependent on her. She didn’t tell him while he was alive, but she loves him and thought that he deserved more than she could offer.
This past week has been so hard. I loved him so much and never had told him that and there’s a part of me that will always blame myself. I keep looking at his Facebook page to see if anyone else has posted their stories about him or just pictures of happy memories. When my phone buzzes I keep hoping it’s a text from him saying “banana” or “pewp.” He was such a dork, but that’s what made him so lovable. He made goofy faces all the time, cheered everyone around him up, and most people didn’t realize how depressed he was.
The cries for help were there. He had tried out different ways to put the rope around his neck and had set up everything to commit suicide at least once before. He told me he wanted to fall asleep and never wake up because that was better than life. And I was the one who had to get a call from the police the next morning because I had been the last person in contact with him.
I know you all want to matter in this world and you do, you just don’t realize it. The pain that those surrounding you will experience if you kill yourself is horrific and awful. I almost wanted to commit suicide myself so I didn’t have to experience this immense pain anymore, but I can’t because that wouldn’t solve anything. It would inflict more pain on the people around me who are already hurting solely because I am and it would be incredibly selfish.
You have to keep going. It gets better, I promise. I’ve suffered with depression for several years where I don’t want to get out of bed or have any contact with anyone. You matter, people care, people love you, and there are going to be people in your future that will love you. Don’t put the people I know you love and that love you through this pain. It’s not solving anything by taking yourself out of the picture.
“Courage is the difference between having a good life and a great life. So have courage.” -Fairly Legal