Every now and then I catch myself getting lost in my thoughts.  I know Im not the only one, but at times I feel that I do it more than some. My paranoia will kick in, I start getting lost in the thoughts, and ideas that it brings. I catch myself thinking that this and that are true, but deep down I KNOW that they are NOT true. This has gotten worse within the past couple of years. I know that the thoughts I have are not true, but I often think what if that is, what if that will happen? When this first occured […]

So I’ve never actually thought Fuck it Im going to reach out and talk about this because its just not a normal thing to do…then again nothing ever feels normal in my world and when I do express normal behaviour I feel its so put on and faked to everyone around me that they can see right through me and thus treat me different from each other. For years I’ve always kind of known I had serious pshycological issues and suicidal thoughts caused by a horrible upbringing and attempted to take my own life before I went to university. I failed….didn’t know how to o/d […]

Im so depressed. This week has been shit. And the worst part was it was all little things that have made me think about how good that shiny piece of sharp metal would look in my wrist.

1. School stuff- things about a crappy tattoo portfolio and being called wierd and having something taken away from me? which is quite confusing.

2. Maths exam- ah…exams. doesn’t everyone love them? espicially those with OCD who are terrified to write in pen and hate the thought of people staring at her because her seat was quite near the front.

3. i not long ago dropped my iPod touch in the […]

So, I’ve never kidded myself about my life, or in this case, death. I’m not concerned with proving to myself I matter to someone, and I’m not just being a drama Queen. I’m not doing this because of a high school romance or because my Daddy won’t get me a new Ferrari What I feel isn’t really even sadness or anger. In fact, I rarely even talk to anyone about my problems, and most people think I’m an optimist.

I just feel an unbearable blankness bearing down on me all the time. Knowing that I am nothing. My grades have dropped, and I can feel people’s expectations of me dropping, […]

Many of us have been told, “Your problems aren’t that bad. They don’t add up to suicide,” or, “If you only took 15 pills, you weren’t really serious.”

We have a condition that causes others to feel uncomfortable. They reduce their discomfort by using denial, belittlement and minimization on the seriousness of our situation. While most of this denial is due to their fear concerning the possibility of our death, a part of it has another source. They may also have had or be afraid of having bad periods in their own lives, and their denial on our vulnerability to […]

I guess I thought going back to school was going to make me feel better. I thought it’d make my depression and anxiety go away and I’d be instantly better..but it didn’t. I’m still depressed and miserable, I still feel useless. I just want to be gone. The things that made me happy don’t even make me happy anymore. They’re just nice distractions, because when I really think about it, I’m not happy. I literally have no one. I just feel like a burden to my family. I know, there’s people on here that’s problems are far more worse than my own, and even now […]

Hi just broke up with  bf…we were toether for three years

i don’t know what to do now…i feel like back to him but he will treat me sh** again…

he was the only one who knew about my major depression..and also that i don’t take medications yet due to some personal reason…but he always blamed me..this time he said that he don’t feel the love no more..because i am moody all the time..and i said i am sorry but his reply was “i don’t care”

so did i do right by breaking up with him? its no doubt that i still love him like there is no […]

Last year at school i was on top of everyhing and i ad geat friends. This yeear my bsstfriends ditched me for a different bestfriend and i ty not to are but i cry everytime i listen to a song i think relates to me and her , i ant stop not caring. I have tryed talking to her but she is just shutting me out and she was my bestfriend and lots of hurtful words have come from her mouth towards me. And even my friends told me she hasnt liked me. And everyone at school is calling me a ginger, it […]

“I Fucking hate life!!!!”

Arggggggh!

Stick and Stones are hard on bones when thrown with an angry heart, words can sting like anything but silence breaks the heart…

Just Red Paint

         My Name is Sean Shadoes, then I was eleven I was sent to a place called Wasatch canyon rehab after attempting suicide, I had cuts on my arms and legs and a gun shot wound through my chest

          When I was Ten my life became hard to control, I felt that I had no other options but to get away, people (including my Parents) told me that I was worthless and unnecessary and I believed them and acted upon the thought that I didn’t matter and was worthless and unnecessary, I never talked unless […]

Let my Heart forever cry
For the essence of I
Is the essence of Reality
The Sin of Humanity
A twisted, sickening, and psychopathic Malady
The unbalance is Eternity
A sickness that shall remain with I until the day I die
For until then, only God knows I will not rest easy.

almost every week i get called ugly either once or twice. im a very nice person, i just dont know why people call me such mean names. today this boy really hurt my feelings, he said “your ugly if i called you cute id be lying…” but this same boy keeps asking me to have sex with him and asked me out twice! i know he doesn’t think im attractive but.. that broke my heart and it was in front of the entire class… middle school was hell, my “friend” posted my picture on facebook next to monkeys and ET and EVERYONE commented on it […]

Life is tough and life is always going to be difficult. No person is perfect and not everyone can see the real picture even though it’s right infront of them. Some people need a little push to see the obvious. and I’m sure that if they still don’t see it, it’s not that they don’t care. Maybe they aren’t sure how to handle that situation? Or maybe their life isn’t going the way that they don’t want it to? It’s actually pretty hard to help someone else when you yourself is suffering. Especially if you are suffering from the same thing. If you don’t know […]

Today I feel like giving up everything and just going quietly. I’ve been in and out of jobs that are not worth the pay and my business doesn’t seem like it wants to take off. I am in debt and feel totally worthless as an individual. Everyone I know blames me for their problems even if I have had nothing to do with the source of their problems. My friends have been drifting away and I keep losing more (and don’t know why outside of trying to be supportive of the things that are going on in their lives).  The girls I try to date […]

You see the heart symbolizes so much in both our society and various veins of creative writing. The human heart symbolizes; life, love, emotional anguish, and even endurance (e.g. the durability of the human heart is notoriously difficult to burn/destroy completely).

So an individual that has gone through a lot of emotional and or romantic pain would naturally choose to injure their chest/heart area of the body in order to send a message to the people they left behind, perhaps only one person in […]

been doing some journaling lately and got an urge.

SourceURL:file:///Users/Jesse/Documents/Writing/2-24-2012

2/4/12

Well, I’m trying something I figured I’d do on the way home.

Just got back from Dr. Markowitz and again was having discussions about doing things, how I don’t wanna do things, all the negative thoughts, all the incentive not to, how I wanna die all the time, and shit like that. Since I always seem to have a little shred of positivity after I come home from him, I decided on the train home that maybe I’d try writing down my thoughts, something he has suggested and has been suggested many times before, so here I am.

Everything […]

All my life I’ve always put up a front. Its become my defense mechanism. I can’t bare the real me. Everyone knows me as the happy, hyper girl who’s kind to everyone, and always has the right advice for any situation. I don’t know exactly when i started cutting, but it started as a ploy to catch my parents attention; show them how much i was really suffering. I was adopted, my birth mom was a drug addict and she drank and did drugs while pregnant with both me and my sister. My birth dad abused me. I have 2 siblings I’ve never met. My […]

I’ve wanted to die since I was 17. That was the first time I tried but I was just sick all night.

I remember all the negative about the past and it is hard to concentrate on the positives.

I took speed a couple of weeks ago and felt like I had instant happiness. People said that I made them laugh. If only they knew how I want to be out of this eternal pain.

I have a friend who is always saying that she doesn’t eat properly. Well I don’t. I exist on nourishment drinks and bananas cos I have no appetite.

My psychiatrist is good. She is […]

The girl love of my life dumped me after three years for another guy. I have struggled with depression before this but this really pushed me over the edge. I had done everything for this girl gave her the best two years of my highschool and she dumps me like trash. I don’t know what happiness is anymore. All day in school I think of ways I need to kill myself. She was the only thing that made me happy and now she’s sucking some guys cock. I tried to move on with other people but I find it impossible. I have sex but everything […]