My wife’s cat is very sick, apparently his bladder is blocked. The worst part of this is that we found it out at 11:30 PM at an after hours vet. I might be getting ahead of myself, let’s rewind.

It started with my wife asking me to help her find the cat. I guessed he’d found a new hiding place, that happens in our house a fair amount of the time. I asked her the critical questions; whether any of the doors to the outside had been left open, and they hadn’t. So he was inside, therefor findable. After about ten minutes of searching I ended […]

I don’t really want to die, but living is so hard. I have dreams and aspirations like most people do, but for years there’s has just been this empty pit in me. I try so hard to be normal and enjoy life like the people around me do, but I always circle back to this just empty, horrible feeling. I can’t truly see a future for myself. I know what I would want in the future, but I don’t want to actually get there. God, I want to live so bad, truly live, but I just can’t. I’m 20 now. I’m studying abroad, I have […]

Is my perception the problem? That’s what I’m wondering right now. Inflation is going nuts around here. Eggs used to cost $2 for a dozen, now $5. Almost everything is 20% to 30% more expensive. However I ran into the most expensive price hike yet yesterday. I have a good legal supplier for my cannabis that I can buy a whole ounce from at a time, prepack, and I used to be able to get it for $40 back in November. I got $60 out of the bank because I thought I might want to get something else at the store, but I did suspect […]

I remember all the terrible things my father did when I was a kid.

I remember how he used to cuss me and my siblings out.

I remember how we used to get beat.

I remember how my oldest brother and my mom got it the worst.

I remember how much fear me and my brothers had when we’d hear the garage door open, we’d all hurry up to our bedrooms.

I remember how he threw me across my room once

I remember how much he’d tell me that I embarrassed him after a football game and he’d imitate me in a ridiculous manner while explaining to […]

My family wants to flee USA since it is being controlled by the wannabe king. I wish I could tell them to go without me since I hate living. I’m a sad, useless sack of flesh here so why wouldn’t I be a sad, useless sack of flesh anywhere else to go? Even if my consciousness was removed and put into a robot body, I know I would still want to die. I hate existing when I don’t think I ever wanted to. Looking through my past, everything I have ever done was an act of self-destruction.

Oklahomans don’t understand winter, another reason I want out of this nutty place. Everything was closed Monday for Presidents Day, then the snowstorm came Tuesday and the next day apparently my pharmacy still hadn’t dug themselves out yet. So it was Thursday before I got my medications refilled, and today before I got to try out my new medication.

I say new medication. Supposedly, if my memory which is notoriously spotty is anything to go by is correct I have been on it on some point. At some point when I was briefly hospitalized I got a look at my chart and was incensed to find […]

Do you ever think about where you were a year ago and wonder, “Did I have any idea it was going to be this bad?”. Or 5 years ago or 10 years ago or 20 years ago. The thing about it is, back then you probably thought you had it bad back then too. Weird awkward shit in high school, depressed scared moments in undergrad, manic desperate work in grad. It all seemed like shit back then, but for some reason it feels the shittiest right now. And you’d say that back then too. Nothing I do ultimately matters. […]

As I’ve previously mentioned, a big part of my depression/despair is the lack of any kind of connection or intimate relationship. I fall asleep longing for it, wake up the same, and spend most of the day trying not to think about it.

And one of the main reasons I’m not actively working to find that is there’s things about myself that I know I could never be honest with a prospective partner about, that I know would almost universally be a deal-breaker. Even if there was someone out there crazy/desperate enough to accept these parts of me, I know I couldn’t risk confessing to 100 […]

I mean, sort of but not really, for a few things in particular they’ve all either “lost their luster” or were not ever really apparent in terms of value to begin with. This is going to be quite ranty, not a very important post at all so it’d be better to look at others, but regardless, nowadays social media wise or whatever you call it I still see others thinking about past people and wanting them back or still being hung up over them. I don’t and I have probably never felt that way about much of anyone for my short time on this rock. I […]

I don’t know why I am on this planet when I hate living. I have no dreams, no desires, nothing. I don’t even want a job since I have no use for the money I would earn with it. A house? No, what use is a house to someone who hates being alive. A car? No, it is too much of a temptation to use it to drive off something with it. A family? No, I can’t stand humans. Food? No, I have no real desire to eat and only eat to keep up appearances of being human. Fun? No, the pleasure derived from it […]

I built up this shame within myself. All the humiliation, the rage, the bewildered hurt, the self-hatred, the fear. Why are they treating me like that? What had I done to deserve it? Why am I just letting it happen?

All of that poison, I channelled into this parasite growing in my mind. Layer on layer, over years. And gradually it became who I was. I found ways to enjoy letting the hatred seep out, without really being aware of what I was becoming. Worse and worse.

And I made myself into something so shameful that now I’m incapable of ever feeling ok with myself again.

And I […]

All the years.
And another year I am depressed just before my birthday in February.

And last year and the year before and so on for so long it’s been the same. I think since I was 10? 13? 9, turning 10? I don’t know. I started watching porn when I was 9… just before I turned 10 years old.

Ah, my brother had a psychosis then. 7 years ago now, I think? Maybe a little less. I was 14 anyway. Ah, I turn 21 in a week. I didn’t watch porn or masturbate since September but on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and now today also I watched […]

I recently turned 19, which has made me feel even worse than I already did. I’m sure it’s a common feeling, but I still feel like I’m 14-16 years old. Until the last 4-6 months, I haven’t been much of an adult or a mature person at all—insofar as being independent and taking care of myself. It’s overwhelming, to say the least—The path I’m going down. I was initially excited to be going into this temporary line of work, but recently it’s morphed into dread and extreme anxiety about ‘what’s going to happen during this time, and what do I have to look forward to […]

Every time I walk out of that room I feel like shit. Granted it’s my own damn fault. But still makes me feel like shit. Every single thing that comes out of my mouth comes of as inane or ignorant or usually both. And then when they have to carefully explain to the dumbass why his ideas are stupid, it comes off as if they are talking to a child instead of a 26 year old man. I’ve talked about this before. The way they view me. They expect nothing of me and have to treat me with […]

Robot problems as usual, but I’m tired of complaining about that so I’ll complain about this. Passed somebody on the street today. Had to do a double take. She looked just like her. Or at least how I remember her. Every time I think about her, I try to remember the last time I did before. They are starting to be further and further apart. But I still think about her from time to time. I don’t feel anything for her anymore. Nothing. Not sadness or anger or longing or whatever. Simply nothing. […]

Today in therapy my therapist brought up one of my great failures, not finishing my double major. Forgive me if I have told the story before. It was the end of my junior year of college, and I was doing really well. I had just come back from presenting my psychology research at conference in Denver Colorado, my GPA was approaching 4.0 I had a lovely fiance, things were going well. I had finished my community college programming school at community college in the Spring it was Fall of 2019.

The class was Computer Architecture, and it was taught by a man to whom English was […]

I always liked Tom Jones, if only because he’s so darned silly. So when I ran into one of his songs in another language my initial reaction was one of outrage on behalf of Jones “how dare they rip off Tom Jones”, imagine my surprise to learn the tune was older and Tom Jones was ripping it off. However, the lyrics are those that he made famous, so he gets the credit for that.

The Italian version translates to “my eyes” and has nothing to do with helping yourself. It does sound nice though. Which do you guys prefer?

I also feel like telling my other Tom […]

Yeah, not expecting much but checking in and wanting to hear from others here, how many of you feel utterly lost? Or just somewhat lost. I can’t necessarily say I have the best clue of how this “life” thing is supposed to work, but right when I was getting any sort of understanding on it, things kind of cave in on me.

I’d like to say I’m not surprised but I am. It gets more surprising each day. I wonder how I’m not completely stunned at this rate.

I’m miserable, in a way I don’t think I can change. And it’s not even that I “want” to kill myself. I’m terrified of death. But it feels like on some level I “should”. And that should is confusing.

It’s not so much moral. Though there’s certainly an argument that I pose a danger to others, sick as I am, I think I’ve pretty effectively isolated myself from negatively effecting anyone. Unless I somehow became actually psychotic and lost all grip on reality, I don’t see that changing.

And in terms of just weighing up the consequences of killing myself, it’s hard to persuade myself it’d be […]

God, life, whatever you are. You win. I’m not gonna fight it anymore. I fought, I tried, I really did. You did a pretty good job of kicking my ass. Props to you.

I gave all I had, though I know it wasn’t a lot. It wasn’t a very good job. But I was stubborn. Stupidly stubborn, really. And kept going, and going. Thought maybe if I fought hard enough, there would be light at the end. That there would be something more, something different than this. But I was wrong. Oh so very wrong. That’s on me. This whole thing’s on me, and I know […]