“Ugliest weenie, ugliest weenie we don’t want you in our pack!
Ugliest weenie, ugliest weenie, how we wish we could send you back.”

some of you have speculated, where do I get this joy; stuff like this, morbid dark humor. Music is a big part of any success I have. Usually stuff I relate to, like this. I feel like the defective one so much. I tried to find it, but the show within the show ends in an affirming anthem “It’s good to be ugly after all.”

I found it in Norwegan, and German. I can speak enough German to make this work;

Essentially being attractive and […]

I am on so many medications at this point I barely feel human anymore.  I’m currently taking four eye drops and 8 pills a day.  I barely go out anymore just because I need to keep track of when I need to take everything.  One of my pills is a diuretic and it constantly leaves me dehydrated and tired.  5 out of my 8 pills are just this one drug, so i’m dangerously dehydrated all the time.  It’s part of the reason i’ve been losing so much weight.  I also take something to treat blood pressure and an antidepressant.  I just kind of feel numb […]

I didn’t mean to take two days off this week. It wasn’t the plan. However, it happened. Coming back today I felt sluggish and slow, but no one seemed to notice. It started resembling the office I had liked before; expectations at a level that doesn’t actually take much from me to meet. So relative safety.

Which goes back to my temporary-ness of whatever unpleasant thing lands in my life. I’m not excessively tolerant, but it seems life signed me up for the difficult run this year. I had hoped to thrive enough to get out fast ish and maybe update my gear in the bargain.

The […]

I should off’ed myself when i tried multiple times. Im suffering beyond imaginable ehich brought me back. I had some good memories or was on tract to fix my life. But you know, Life isn’t hard, people make your life hard. Its always been true for me. Dad betrayed me because pressed him to put me through school. Im suppose to work a shit job to save for school to get a truck driving job like i want. Well anyways, that rotten bastard decided to call cops on me. I didnt touch his sorry ass. But he has cry like a […]

I know there’s things I should be doing. So, so many things. Enough to occupy several lifetimes. Instead, I do nothing. Day after day. I don’t have it in me, to push myself to do anything even remotely challenging. What’s the point? Will I be happy on the other side? Will I feel any better? I can’t imagine feeling better. I can’t imagine not being filled with regret, fear, anger, hatred, and despair. I can’t imagine trying to go to sleep without this deep sense of wrongness.

I should probably try something radical, to reshape my brain and emotions. Drugs, probably. But that requires effort to […]

I can’t fucking take it anymore. I’ve tried killing myself for a lot of times, but I’m just not able to do it. Just like if there was something inside of me that doesn’t want me to die yet but all these voices in my head and the “things” are making my life unbearable. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, no matter how often I take my medication and do everything my therapist tells me to do-the voices are getting louder and more frightening. They’re tellin’ me to do things that I don’t wanna do, things that even scare myself. I’m […]

I hate myself. I continue inflicting my pathetic self on other people. For what? Because I’m selfish enough to want to be loved? Fuck that. I keep fucking up and making mistakes, mistakes with serious consequences for the people around me. My family disowned me because I wasn’t dedicated to their cult. My ex hated me for being mentally ill and struggling with my disabilities. The person who took me in keeps having to clean up my fuck ups. I almost got her evicted because I fucked up writing on a legal document. I. Cant. Stop. Doing. Stupid. Things. Every time I try to take […]

Imagine if we all had that ONE person in our lives? Can change that person forever. Sadly, I didn’t have that one person :'(

~1min

468,000 reasons why

~1min vid

I present my half baked paper tomorrow. Still getting comments that I did things wrong. Typical. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous. Even though logically I really shouldn’t be. I decided already that this whole thing was a bust so a good presentation or a bad presentation shouldn’t really make any difference. I just really don’t like talking in front of anyone. The most important thing is that I don’t look too defeated when they pull apart every detail of my paper. Need to know how to take criticism. Regardless of […]

A good joint, good food, and a good movie staves off suicidal thoughts for me, albeit temporarily.  I returned home with a beef curry with onion, fried rice and chips. I had the plate, water, movie, ready to go. I had 2 joints already rolled and awaiting attention. I had already showered and shaved.  I put the chips on the plate first, fried rice on top of chips, beef on top of that and curry sauce last. I sat down and started ‘Carlitos way’. Suicide was off my mind but not gone from my mind. Once Suicidal thoughts get a foothold its a permanent condition […]

I wanted to share something I wrote recently while in anguish about how my parents don’t accept me for who I am and the way I want to live my life (basically, different from theirs). It helped me feel better, and hopefully it will bring you some comfort too. Let me know if it does and I’ll post my other ones 🙂

The poem:

Farewell: Understand Compassion Kills

I fucked this paper

Tortured it

And malevolently ended its happiness.

(Because I couldn’t find anyone else to do it to.)

Fuck you.

That’s what I said

That’s what I did. 

I yelled and yelled the way they had yelled at me.

My words:

Fucking.

Stupid.

Paper.

My sentences:

I despise you.

Get out […]

I seem to get in my own way.

Every tim I make some progress I slip and fall back down again.

I know I’m a miserable person that needs help, but I need to start to do these things on my own.

If I don’t, who will?

I miss the optimism of youth, that’s long since buried.

Been just surviving this whole time it seems.

I would be better to my family, to the friends I had and have, but I know I wouldn’t contribute properly to these relationships. I don’t do all that much as is. I’m a dull individual as it turns out.

I’d slowly been feeling detached from a […]

things being quiet, I have to remind myself that part of my misery is me taking on the project I am to try and get off heavy duty prescribed drugs and caffeine. I could have it easy if I just upped my dose on both. I’ve cracked a few times since I started trying. My full dose gets me nice and numb. However, it’s a shackle, and I’m less productive.

I really can’t describe it to someone who hasn’t been on heavy mood altering drugs most of their life. You know that they you that people have been seeing isn’t the real you. It makes it […]

Feeling like I want to die. But if it were to happen my survival instinct comes in. I’m so upset by the way some things are and happen in life. They are strange, unpleasant and painful.

The majority of my life is governed by fear, and has been for a long time. I seem to have a far greater sensitivity to perceived threats than is normal or healthy. On top of that, I think I find it much harder to accept the suffering that this world contains.

You could get hit by a car tomorrow, and paralysed, and trapped in a state of chronic pain. Or any number of seemingly unlikely things. The longer you live, the greater the opportunity for something like that to happen. And I’ve never known how to be ok with that potential. It doesn’t seem worth the […]

Ongoing monitoring of my public breakdown that I’ve been having at work. It’s been as polite as I can be about it, and I guess I’ve been masking really really well. Normally staying centered and productive is a major point of pride, so you can imagine the associated shame that is automatic.

However, I broke down and told way more of the story to my boss, about how I’ve been struggling, which to be fair she knows half of already. She listened and helped me deal with my feelings of frustration and empathy burnout. She told me that there was a limit to how hard I […]

Lot on my mind. As usual. Next week is my last week for my internship. I came into it expecting to fail, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Last month or so I’ve just been working on a stupid report that bores me to fucking tears. Last week or so been dicking around more than usual because I can’t be bothered to try anymore. My mentor has gotten to the point where all he can say about my report is that it is “readable”. I can tell he’s already sick of me. I tell myself that […]

I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday.  I am dreading it like crazy too.  I’m seeing a cornea specialist to decide if I need a corneal EDTA chelation operation.

I have been taking eye drops as long as I can remember and over time these eye drops have formed calcium deposits on top of both of my corneas.  This is called band keratopathy.  And i’m nervous because chelation involves using acid to dissolve the calcium while using a small blade to scrape off whatever’s left.  This all happens under anesthetic of course, but it still sounds awful, and it definitely has risks.  I guess i’m just […]

Just saw a political ad. Who the hell takes their child to a political rally? There were children in the front row.