I think it began by choosing the wrong college. I chose the #1 ranked university in the state. I thought rankings mattered. I thought education/learning mattered. Ha! How stupid. In reality, I should have chosen a richer school with wealthier students. No competition but huge connections. Instead, I chose a poor school with poor kids, but super competitive and little benefits. Outside of the state, the school is not known at all.

Case in point- I had a friend who went to my school, was on academic probation, and eventually kicked out bc she couldn’t even manage […]

Me- to be loved and accepted for what I am (and what I am not)
You?

I’m sure many of us can remember those old cars where there were just random plastic blocks in the dash, of course these were buttons and features on the higher models.

My entire life, I have been the base model experience, hell even the prototype with no functions at all. School was essentially a slow burn frenzy of looking to find what talents/inklings I had only to keep crasing into “not this sport” “Not this subject” “Sorry bud nothin here too”. Noting special in physicality, nothing special academiically. Any hobby I tried to take up was met with a wall of utterly sucking so […]

It was a free pokemon rom hack making pokemon a roguelike.

I didn’t really care for it all that much. Or I didn’t allow myself to get into it any.

Either way, streak is over. Lasted almost 2 months. I don’t really feel anything all things considered. I think I’ve already decided I’m over videogames honestly. I think watching others who are better at them than me play them are enough honestly.

I stayed home today, I feel like crap.

Not sure what to do anymore. I’m flat broke still, trying to find work to make more money to […]

I had been at the peak of my lonilyness, where I was willing to engage with anyone, just to get them to engage back. I blame those two weeks of training, hyper soaked in dopamine and being relevant, then back home and not relevant at all again. Okay, I’m somewhat relevant, but I was dangerously relevant in training. I think they were worried, of course that’s probably a paranoid daydream.

It’s a lot of daydreams these days, I feel like a little boy daydreaming all over the place. I can’t make myself interested enough in now. There are still people who swat my hand and scold […]

I can’t do this. I’m spiraling further and further. I can’t live like this anymore, knowing I’m nothing but a burden to everything. I can’t do it. It hurts. I can’t even look at myself even when I’m hurting myself. I’m tired, I hate myself, and I’m scared, and I don’t think I can do this much longer. I’m sorry

I encountered a man named Baby Boy today.

No really! I did! He had to get his name changed!

I didn’t know life could be so cruel. Every time I think I’ve found the cruelest, here comes a man named Baby Boy.

See, the story goes that when a child is left at a hospital on the form it just says “baby boy” or “baby girl” with the name to be filled in later. Usually someone fills in the name. That almost always happens. You’ve almost never heard of this because it usually happens. However it makes sense, they’d have to put something on the form. Anyone who […]

Ten years ago, I posted my suicide note here: https://suicideproject.org/2014/06/thirty-one/

I drank myself to sleep that night. In the morning, I threw up blood and, for some reason, went to work. I was fired that day for being late and was then evicted from where I was living. After living in my car for a few months, I met a woman on a temp job that became interested in me. I fully embraced self-destruction and began snorting heroin while this woman would shoot up. After a week, I wanted to find a flophouse for us to move in together, but once she admitted she was a […]

As it turns out, there’s someone I love. Very deeply in fact.
Thousands of miles away, gets me like noone else.
She’s with someone else though.
She has medical conditions and I worry about her a lot.
I hadn’t heard from her in months and finally heard back yesterday.
She loves me, but only as a friend, a friend she truly cares for.
I don’t know what to think sometimes.
I don’t have to be with her, I know we’ll be involved in one another’s lives forever at this point.

I’ve never lucked out with women irl, always wound up in some […]

I have no family and I don’t belong anywhere, I want to kill myself. My mother had me and then didn’t take care of me. She had me at 38. I’m slightly autistic or ADHD or developmentally disabled/schizophrenic because of it. Sigh. I’m approaching 30 and I find that nothing changes. I’ve been trying to get in contact with a few people for ages now, my friends don’t even answer my messages. People don’t give a shit about me and I resent them cause I find them all selfish for cutting me out just because I’m different. I find the lack of any real ingenuity […]

For the few comments I got on my last few posts, thank you. You guys did seem rather concerned and I am grateful. Maybe I have been over reacting a bit. I’m still going to work and lab, but I definitely feel the tug of suicide pulling me harder and harder. I’m still fighting, but I really don’t want to anymore.

My dad is here helping me move. I’ve treated him very poorly. I just can’t help it. Everything is setting me off. The whole situation. I wish I wasn’t like this, but I am. […]

I’ve been back to the doctors, well, to the case workers. They ask questions, and you know how those can sound somewhat off after being away for awhile;

“Do you ever hear or see things that no one else can see?”

DO I?!

Gee mister, I don’t know. I try to check as often as I can, but I always suspect I’m hearing things that others don’t. That they don’t see everything I see.

Because of religion and superstition. Years of awful practice learning to see what isn’t there. Not even getting into art and imagination. I’ve seen worlds beyond worlds. I took a stroll through the end of […]

Alone, forgotten, and welcoming the end knowing all that’s waiting is silence, peace, and the sadness of wondering if you could have lived better.

yet the sad, lost, and coward you want nothing but the answer that can make you what you are not, and what you fought to not be. where you brave enough? have you done enough? are you allowed to rest? you hoped someone else would answer.

but there was no one. of course there as no one, death was always but a transition. And the questions you ask could never have been answered by anyone but yourself in […]

Whilst casually text-ranting about racism with a friend, she texted about the anti-semitism she experiences. And how, as a white person, she didn’t realize how much racism is around until this war, now people realize she is jewish, and then they hate her. And I just… wasn’t emotionally available for her. You’d think, of all people, that I would have empathy for someone experiencing racism. But if I’m really honest…. it’s hard for me to empathize with someone who just suddenly woke up to the fact that racism exists on the planet when I’ve been dealing with it my whole life. Part of me resents […]

I thought about “saying goodbye” but that sounds like I’m leaving, and I’m not. Just dealing with grief, which has been a dominant force in my life. I guess I just wanted to SHARE. A bit of grief for Plainwhite doing as he did, it’s a bittersweet kind, like graduation sort… And of course it isn’t final final. He’ll have to be gone awhile for it to be even persistant….. but I’ve learned to prep accordingly. People willing to announce an exit often do eventually.

It’s a bit the same with another, an old friend has dropped off the map……….. again. Last sign of life I […]

Every single cell in my brain is telling me to kill myself. It’s over. It’s done. No more. Just can’t keep fighting. Tired and worn out and nothing goes right. The pain of all the screw ups and failures has dulled a bit, but they still persistent. Tried talking to a few friends and a suicide hotline, and even if it feels a little better, can’t help but feel like there’s no way beyond this. I know my problems aren’t as big as other people’s, but that empty feeling won’t go. I think in the back […]

I love you. Sit here and just think of your future. Your future if you don’t do it.

I don’t know what you’re seeing right now, but I can tell you that your future is amazing. How do I know?

you are the one who decides what your future is.

you.

you can fight for any future you want, any future you need.

It’ll take work, I can’t lie about that. But I’m proud of you if you do work for it.

i’m proud of you

i love you

Emotional pain is difficult to evaluate. My current conceit is that if I could guarantee being free from the regret, longing, & despair that I feel for the rest of my life, I’d probably sacrifice a limb. Maybe not a whole arm, but a hand. And I’m talking hacked off with no anaesthetic, medieval style. That’s probably delusional. If someone were somehow able to really offer me that, I’m sure I would puss out. But it’s hard to quantify. When it gets bad, it seems truly awful. But it’s not like I break down crying in the middle of the street, or scream. I’m kind […]

{And I hate living in Neverland, and I hate living in this flawed body, and I hate I hate I hate PETER PAN!!!}

yes, the social worker/client dynamic is much like the parent child dynamic, sometimes sick and disordered

“I want I want I want, me me me, mine mine mine, now, now now”

I had a bit of a day….. really it was the last hour and a half. The last thirty minutes…… I nearly quit. We can’t take more clients towards the end of the day, we aren’t allowed overtime. We don’t want it either. The whole damn building shuts down at five. So we stop […]

My internship project is over. I took too long to design the thing and now lead times would take too long. My manager suggests that I just document what I have so that I can hand it off to the next intern or co-op. He seemed rather disappointed in the whole situation. I kept a straight face during it. My mentor on the other hand took a different approach. He thinks that there is still time with enough finagling with contractors and such. He’s setting himself up for disappointment. Both kept saying the same thing. That […]