I don’t know what I am supposed to be, or how I am supposed to act.
I try to be respectful, and obedient by following the rules.
And I know I am capable of being a great man.
I know I am capable of accomplishing great things.
Yet, the world hates me. Maybe ‘hate’ is a strong word.
A better way to put it would be that the world simply doesn’t care about me. I am meaningless, worthless, and undesirable; a flesh eating insect with intestines and blood, shedding my days under a fleeting sun and a cold wind, watching as life […]

By a miracle turn of events, my fears were unfounded. I just want to post this as an update. While things aren’t really that great still, I feel like I’m back from the brink. I didn’t post on here often when I was feeling a little better, but I want to post this still as an update. I’m thinking I need to do more work and hopefully going to see a counselor.

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I’ve hesitated just about writing this, because I feared being told off— but it has to be said— I’m really sorry that I’m so stupid when I write things. I know I can come off a bit harsh sometimes with the way I speak my mind, but I didn’t mean to be so rude. I’m just going through a lot of endless pain, suffering from several treatment resistant mental and medical illnesses, and many things no one else understands. I carry these burdens alone, as I’m the only person in my life who I know who has these problems. I’m only here to speak […]

“Human life is truly a short affair. It is better to live doing the things that you like. It is foolish to live within this dream of a world seeing unpleasantness and doing only things that you do not like…”

“Personally, I like to sleep. And I intend to appropriately confine myself more and more to my living quarters and pass my life away sleeping.”

– Yamamoto Tsunetomo, Hagakure: Book of the Samurai

~39min but worth the watch!

This is some story!

I want to go home. Please let me go home.

So here I am replying to a post offering a suggestion to someone and I am back here disgusted and hurt. I gave up trying anymore and am just hanging in there… accepting that I can’t find a place that’s comfortable. I have been alone for a long time. Tried to change, tried to adapt, but just not able to find a place where I am accepted and feel welcome … hoping for trust and love would be to much to even ask for… So keeping it basic and can’t even get that. Not sure how to keep on going this time around. Super sad […]

BILLIONS of people have parents who love them. WHY do I have to get screwed with TWO of the most shittiest ppl on the planet? How does one even HAVE a fucking chance when you start off life with two assholes who are selfish af and don’t care about you?

And yet I’m told to “just forget the past” by EVERYONE. Like YOU get abused since birth and tell me how easy for you to “just get over it.”

It’s not like I wasn’t given a toy I wanted for my birthday. I got BEATEN almost every day, with GIANT black […]

Chances are I’m in a situation that is not ever going to be in a state of recovery. It’s the nature of my situation or mental state that even most people I meet in an institutional setting or on this forum don’t really relate to me. People are pushing me to see a therapist when by all accounts, talking about my problems just makes it worse. To be pushed to that point really means I’ve hit rock bottom. As you can probably tell by my much earlier, previous posts, I’ve done had similar songs and dances for years. Let me tell you that this is […]

🙁

-that the USA has NOT been in a war for ONLY 17 years out of the 247 years since it’s foundation (1776)?
-USA has over 800 military bases around the world. Russia has 21. China has 1. Yet Russia and China are the big bad bullies?

America is the biggest war hawk in the world- LITERALLY.

And WHY is this important? Bc ALL that MONEY, BILLIONS of dollars spent overseas mean we have “no money” for us, for the poor, for the middle class, for fixing collapsing roads, bridges, etc. All means of help and social services, cut cut cut and cut.

Americans- We […]

All I am is a fuck up.

The month that started all this shit in 2018. I wrote that fucking note and got sent away with my sisters. I had the problems for years beforehand, but I guess that was the first “scare” where I was genuinely going to try at some point to end it. On the 21st I moved away, telling her goodbye, never seeing her in person since. It fucked so much up. It made me unreliable to everyone, I wasn’t there so I couldn’t help with anything. This happened all right before my mom’s birthday, too, so I fucked that up as well. I’m not stupid enough at […]

after almost a month of no therapy…. today I arrived to my appointment to find myself meeting with my social worker, which is fine…. she tells me that my therapist no longer works for them

at the time I thought he had quit, that was the impression she wanted to give…. but I realize even now I may never know what really happened to him, or if he did quit why?

I can’t help feeling some guilt, I don’t think I’m a particularly pleasant person to provide therapy to…. what if he killed himself? IDK. IDK. I try to cast my mind to some resolution, and it […]

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Venting about what has been taken from me… thanks to many years of being unfairly pressured to take drugs from GPs and professionals who never cared about me from childhood.

My heightened empathy. I used to be able to feel people’s emotions intensely, if you were upset about something and hiding it behind a smile, I’d be able to sense that something wasn’t right. Friends of mine, if any of them needed help in any way, I’d spend time coming up with ways to support them. Caring about what makes them smile. I used to be brilliant at giving advice and explaining mental health in […]

By “messed up” I mean
-ppl with chronic and persistent depression/suicidal ideation
-ppl who Self-Harm
-Hoarders
-abuse or SA victims that can’t get past the trauma

According to NAMI, 1 out of 5 ppl experience a mental illness. Though that figure is way overblown bc experiencing something “once” doesn’t constitute a mental illness (ex someone has post partum depression but never had depression before or after). Also, personally I don’t consider things like ADHD a “mental illness.” Yes, I know it’s in DSM-V. But who cares what phar.ma-funded ppl classify ppl as.

Obviously
-ppl who murder (%?)
-psychopaths (1%)
-sociopaths (3%)

“It is estimated […]