I hate to put the blame all on someone else but my youth was a complete disaster thanks to that guy. It only dominoed into my early adulthood.

When I think of my father, I think of an angry man who would do nothing but yell, scream, and physically hurt me, my brothers and my mom. I just remember him cussing us out, kicking us, telling me how much I embarrass him because I wasn’t impressing anyone on the football field or the track. I remember how much of a Karen he was whenever we were out in public. He’d be that guy complaining over nothing […]

You forgot the color film, my Michael
Now no one believes us, how beautiful it was here, ha-ha, ha-ha
You forgot the color film, for my soul
Everything blue and white and green and later no longer true

She was in East Germany in 1975, she laments how gray it is there. Her boyfriend Micheal, her heart forgot the color film on vacation, now they will have no memories of marvelous color, the only reprieve they had from their lives.

The sea buckthorn stood tall on the beach of Hiddensee
Micha, my Micha, and everything hurt so much
That the rabbits looked shyly out of their burrows
So loudly did […]

I feel like a lost little sheep… -_-

that a happy and fulfilling life was so damn hard to achieve?

I’m not doing too hot. I’m actually in excruciating pain. I present my progress tomorrow. The robot isn’t done. I spent the last few weeks working on nothing but the project. That’s a lie. I’ve spent a lot of it goofing off. Every second I spent playing games could have been spent on the project. I spent around 14 hours yesterday trying to assemble it. No dice. Any idiot with half a brain could have done what I did in a few hours. It’s killing me. The stress. I can feel myself […]

It’s been an eventful few days. I cried a few times. Me, crying, what is this world coming to? Big emotions, huge life forces, enough to overcome even my massive will. Unstoppable force meets immovable object.

I met with my therapist, and that really was the least of it. Just a concentrated rage dump there, really. I can’t let my rage out in polite society. I do hate this place, and most of all I hate all the passive jerks who don’t challenge it. I’ve been one for too long. So I’m trying to stop. Here’s where I get that maniac grin.

But it’s the sanest thing. […]

Gave up my cat after 5 years of taking care of him. I feel like scum.

I had no other recourse. I’m furious.

If you could have a superpower (ex flying, rewinding time, mind control, invisibility, happiness, etc) but it only lasts 5s (and there’s a refresh period where you can’t use the 5s power again, for say 5 or 10min), what 5s superpower would you want and what would u do with it? (basically you can’t just keep stacking the 5s + 5s without a break).

(OTHER than unaliving yourself) – what would it be?

I HATE HIGH HUMIDITY!

After months of torturous months of high summer heat and humidity, it’s supposed to be “Fall” now. Even at the “perfect” temperature of 72 degrees (perfect in EVERY other place than here)- it was still 72%+ humidity. Even now at midnight, the humidity is at 66%. This is pretty “low” considering how disgusting the last 5mo has been, but it’s STILL disgusting. UGH.

I literally walk out or anywhere for more than 10s and I start to drip sweat and then have to shower. Sometimes I shower multiple times a day. It gets ridiculous.

So much for the […]

I have to take my cat to a shelter, I have no clue how I’ll get him in one before Sunday night at this point. I don’t want to take him to a shelter but I have no other viable options.

Also watched this video a few minutes ago. Maybe you’ll get something out of it. It’s so annoying that we all have to be stuck grinding out a non fulgilling living to make ends meet in a weird system like this (at least in America anyway).

If I were brave, I wouldn’t be here.  If I were smart, I wouldn’t be a coward.  If I loved myself more, I would be out living life on a Friday night.  If I had could stop running, maybe I could just clear my head.  If I had more time…i’d hate myself a little less.

But I don’t live like that.  My world has grown smaller and darker as time wanes on.  I have grown smaller and weaker as well.  I find my existence to be increasingly cumbersome.  I know there is a part of my brain struggling not to give up, but the urge is […]

There’s this part of me that longs to let go of being this twisted thing. And it seems like dying is the only way to do that. To cease being this failed creature and return my matter to the planet, so it can be part of something less repulsive.

But death seems terrifying. The end of all possibilities, all attachments. Every abandoned dream, every lost hope, every unfulfilled desire. Finally nullified beyond doubt.

So I sit in this misery I’ve created for myself. And every year it feels worse. And I tell myself I’ll try things to change it. And I do try a little, ever so […]

According to Gallup:
-47% of Americans were “very” satisfied with their personal lives in February 2024
-78% of Americans were ‘very’ or ‘somewhat satisfied’ (though I would argue that low level depression can exist with ppl who say they are ‘somewhat satisfied’ with their lives. i don’t considered ‘somewhat satisfied’ to mean ‘happy’ or ‘happy enough.’)

47% = very satisfied
31% = somewhat satisfied
22% = unhappy / very unhappy

At least this study, and studies SINCE covid, actually acknowledge that half the population aren’t all that happy. For all of my life, EVERY fucking study out there kept parroting how ‘95%’ […]

So, to start off, new account, hooray. I never thought I would be writing here today or that this would somehow involve Wordpress of all things? This is certainly not the first time I’ve been here since it’s been a website I have kind of been aware of since early 2022 or so, a few familiar faces for better or worse depending on how you look at it. This is surprising, but at the same time not so much since my life has gotten to a point in which I am not too sure what will happen to me in the near future, including if […]

It feels a lot like falling, going down a ski slope or a roller coaster, ah, I miss those days.

I’m only on the functional side of madness. Monitored, if I slip I’ll be looked after. I’m not quite mad enough. I only have intrusive thoughts of self harm. That’s manageable. I’m only daydreaming about death, perfectly acceptable. Poe esque, I seem to be in a second teenage goth rebellion. Except with really realistic suicidal ideation. I don’t think goths are supposed to have that.

The rug’s just pulled out, the strings cut as it were. I’ve been here before. How I love being a historian.” Patient […]

Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure.

Supress your feelings. Ignore the thought. Endure the pain.

A lot on my mind. As usual. Trying to figure out how to say it all. Probably won’t. Best place to start is probably the new medication. Had my psychiatric appointment this past Wednesday. Told him the usual spiel. Anxiety, fear, the feeling of not belonging etc etc etc. Somehow it eventually get around to maybe my anxiety is as bad as it is because I can’t focus. He floated the idea that I might have ADHD. Of course I couldn’t help but make a face which he noticed. He admitted that it’s “popular” […]

What lessons have you learned in life?