Last 24 hours has been a bit, much, really last 48 but up until 24 hours ago I thought I had it under control.

Where to start? Where to start?

I’m trying to taper back on my meds, feeling that desire for sobriety again….. and I was making progress first couple days at it….. then last night…. last night

I’m giving it lots of build up, it should be a little thing. A friend of mine is chronically spiralling, and the rest of the friend group kind of expects me to fix it…. but he won’t go to the doctor, and therapist is so far a lot of […]

You know, like get snuffed out by dexter. I mean, a quick non-suffering death, nothing painful.

It’s not fair other people have good lives. And it’s not like I haven’t tried fucking hard. One can only be knocked down so many times before you just give up. And I’ve given up. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting “fate” or this universe or bad mojo or whatever you call it.

Anyone feel like Murphy’s Law governs their life?
Sigh. I wish to escape my hell.
But I’m too old/tired/worn out/beaten down by life to get back up.

Why even try when in the end it never works out?

I don’t really know.
There’s someone I worry about constantly and miss everyday, and I don’t hear from them as much as before at all.

I pray for them everyday, and hope we can talk more and that things improve.

I don’t really know how to get the start I need with the career I’m trying to get into…

Idk what to even do. I’m just tired of being the problem.

How the hell am I supposed to fix myself? How do people even live proper lives?
I know in my mind and soul that I’m not like most […]

7/5/2023

What a shitty day.

We’re on our way to Dallas. After driving through a town in arkansas, we noticed a woman’s body partly covered with tarp. She was lying face down with her arm extended, her palm flat on the ground. The jet black hair from the back of her head. The officials on scene tried concealing the incident with a curtain of tarp, but did a half ass job. Everyone could see her on the other side of traffic. The dumb fucking officials have no respect at all. My friend was traumatized and couldn’t stop thinking about how her skin was ashen and gray. He’d […]

I hate people too eternal darkness.

I miss her so much. I wish I could hold her. The girl in this reminds me of her. I’d call her, but she’s always so angry. I like hearing that she’s doing well. No self harm. Going out, making friends. Heals me.

My power’s out. Gonna be holed up here for awhile. My dogs love it here. If they’re happy, I am. A black retriever and border collie. I love how they smile.

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I commented that Gaga was trash for comping “drink it” when I said I was drinking poison bc of all the hate she spread. She really should fuel up on coke, booze and […]

Over the years I have gone from being optimistic and joyful, to completely dead inside. The few friends I had are now gone, and the failures in my life continue to increase in number as I get older. I constantly feel sharp chest pain from my depression, and I am unable to let out how I feel, unable to cry and unable to strongly feel anything emotionally anymore. My depression gets worse everyday as I have found everything in life to be no fun anymore resulting in myself staying in my bed all day whenever I get the chance. I can’t tell anyone how I […]

and that’s my open, a big f-you to the concept of holidays. Well wishes of course to people who actually enjoy them, but also, what’s the deal with that?

I hate holidays. It’s like “here’s your only assured day off, also lots expected of you on that day”….. maybe it’s just me? I hear this complaint about Christmas, but I’ve upped my game for dealing with Christmas, I dissassociate from the whole concept for a good two months, celebrate, then go back to dissassociating. So my Christmas really lasts two days, and I can  deal with that.

But it’s July 4th and around here that means it’s […]

This is a story of revenge. It’s a Korean drama with English subtitles (8 episode tv series).

I’m only on episode1 but already I am rooting for the girl to exact revenge on all those assholes/bullies. Including her POS “homeroom teacher.”

Does anyone else root for the “evil” characters in shows?

I guess technically she’s the “evil” character as she’s going around exacting revenge, but those people were assholes. So is it really wrong for the bullies to get bullied? Personally, I don’t think so.

I’m only on episode1 but I’m sure the ending will be some kind of variation of the protagonist […]

My little brother and my dog. I love them. I want them to be healthy, and I don’t want them to be down, and I don’t want my little brother to spend so much time in front of a screen. He is only 9 years old. I am the one that has to take care of them. My father doesn’t, my mother does sometimes. She always cooks for us at least. I like it more when I have more responsibility. I want to drown in all the work and all the rituals and forget that I exist. All of the money in the world couldn’t […]

I can’t feel my hands as I type this. I can’t breathe.  I can’t stop thinking. I can’t do this anymore I can’t I can’t I just can’t. I keep thinking about it. I have to stop thinking about it. But I can’t. What is wrong with me. Why am I like this. Fuck. I can feel it. Doing something impulsive. There’s no one to talk to. No one I can talk to. I’m all alone. I shouldn’t be. I don’t think I can control it. Oh my god I just want to fucking die and I want escape from this horrible life and this […]

I can sum up my entire justification for being as I am in this one clip, because I happen to believe that you can either be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant, and Jimmy Stewart got it right, pleasant is the better way to go

He spends the entire movie in a sort of wonderful indifference to everyone who talks to him, I’d like to be that way, sometimes I succeed.

Harvey is the only movie I know of that’ll always make me smile, and sometimes bask in the silly thought that by being more interested in rabbits than in people, Jimmy Stewart has mastered his […]

I haven’t been able to think straight for days now. Dreams seem like they are real and the real world seems fake. I’m really tired. I try to be nice to others and somehow it pushes them away. A 5 year old girl on the metro said I look really good today though 🙂

But it seems like a lot of adult women are repulsed by me, somehow. Even though I have more friends than I’ve ever had, and pretty good friends I think, I feel strange. Something about me just doesn’t feel right. The only girls that ever interest me in real life […]

I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE!

I hate this shitty world and it’s shitty ppl

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