I haven’t been on here in months and I won’t deny that things have actually gotten much worse. I mean one minute I’m saying “I got this, I can make it” and the next I’m saying “okay I’ll just end it all on my 21st birthday.” My feelings go back and fourth. And now it’s just all coming back. My plan was to end it all on my 21st. To see if things ever get better. I realize that im still young, and all that, but some people just weren’t meant for life. Sometimes I feel bad because I wasn’t put through so much torture […]
Tag:
Bad Memories
I’m writing this because i want to get my story out.
I don’t want anyone’s sympathy or help, I want my story out so if something ever happens to me, at least my story is public and people know why I did it.
As a first thing I’d like to make note of the fact that I do NOT want to kill myself! It just seems like the only way out of my misery. And it’s been that way for quite a while already.
At first i laughed at myself for having a quickly fading suicide moment. (wich smart and sane person wouldn’t?) but after a few years, […]
They bring up memories. They bring up pain. They bring up the past. There is no gain. Only loss. I want to cry so badly right now. And I feel– Know– nobody cares. You may say you do, but I know the truth. I look at my screensaver, I read them. Obesity. I’ll always be it. Ugly. I’ll always feel it. Depression. I’ll never outgrow it. Stupid person saying he can make everything better. But guess what happened last time someone said that?? “I… Kinda met…. Someone.” Then he left. He never talks to me anymore. I didn’t want to be in a relationship. That’s […]
There’s no such thing like a purpose or a meaning in life, in fact the whole universe exists without a special reason or purpose. People invented the notion of “purpose in life” so they could cope better with other people’s mistakes, selfishness, cruelty, or because they envy other people’s realisations and thereby they feel less worthy to society and need something to make them go on. It’s a form of self defense, I think. So why is it bad to want to stop carrying traumatic,bad memories or incurable diseases with you? Because other people would suffer from losing you?
We are conditioned to think we have […]
i don’t really understand why i think about killing myself all the time. the feeling and thoughts don’t even derive from bad memories or events. they’re simply always there.
people tell me all the time to realize that my life isn’t bad, but that’s not the problem, im aware of that.
it’s just, i think i’m the problem. that I don’t deserve to be here. but what the fuck did i even do wrong?
i try my best to be respectable, i care about people who don’t even give two shits about me, others always come before myself. i try to be good, i think i am pretty decent.
so why […]
Ever had those moments where you wish something never happened or regretted something bad you really did, and you wish you could start over and erase those past mistakes? I don’t mean to sound like a *****, but it will never happen. I nearly fail to realize it every day and I still think about all the bad things I did and about the times where I screwed up, and never realized the effect it will have on me in the future. Those bad memories and mistakes come back to haunt me everyday, and I feel sad and I always have a burning desire to […]
(might be triggering)
i’d say it began in 6th grade; they made me weak by pointing out my flaws. i had thought, why would anybody want me if i look like this? i began giving away my food because i didn’t want to be fat, i never smiled because i didn’t like my teeth, i didn’t talk much because i didn’t like what i often said. they persuaded me to hate myself.
so when he would pay attention to me, in 7th grade, i felt happy. too happy. he was the first to see my scars. he told me he cared. but he only wanted one thing..
it wasn’t […]
A few days ago I lost my head again. It really gets more frequent. It always starts with the truth. The truth about who I am inside and out. It’s why I cry. Because I’ve worked so hard to try and fix myself. Then I realize I’m unfixable. I’m hard-corded. For the first time in quite awhile I want to know why my bio mother did not abort me instead of abandoning me. They really are quite the same. She doesn’t get to see me. And never will. If she saw the person I am and m becoming each year. She may realize the truth […]
The desire of death is always haunting me like a bad memories.
The joy of a end is a longing of my soul.
The sound of silence is pleasant music to my mind that I do not own.
The peace of nothing is a craving to strong.
If u have the answer I beg you to foretold.
As I have tried many a road and a different end I do not hold.
Just the desire of my eyes to close.
my dreams have been so vivid ever since prozac and they taunt me by bringing me into the past where the bad memories are like one reoccuring one where my x friend i bump into [this ismy fear, idnt wanna see her for various reasons]..idk wat im trying to say, ??…but these dreams make feel like i should NOT let the past go, and they make me feel so guilty that ive alienated my childhood friend[i didnt want to imiss her so much , but i she was associated with terrible memories, how do ilet go ?
Dear Daddy,
When I was a little girl I always looked up to you. You protected our family like no other. I will admit, I have always been frightened by you. Sometimes when you get mad, it’s really scary. When we went through everything with Taylor, that was hard. It was really hard on me and no one realized it. Do you even remember how you kept dragging me into your argument the night she was kicked out? That night has scarred me for life. You know what Daddy, in the past year I have done bad things. I have done things I regret. I wish […]
I’m not sure what I’m doing here. All I know is today I feel really bad. I feel like an empty shell just living life as a robot. I am afraid of the darkness yet I want it to engulf me, I just want the pain to end.  It’s been so long living with heartache and the bad memories. I just feel like I want it all to end I’m so tired, so tired I just can’t out of this hole. I pray I can overcome this but I never can. I just it want it all to end just go into the darkness and dissapear.
I’ve had it for a long time. I’m tired of feeling this way everyday, Im tired of being the fuck up that I am and Im tired of wondering when all of this will end. I won’t and I can’t do this any longer! This will be my last week and then it’s time for me to go. I have no idea what the other side holds for me but the thought of staying here is unbearable. My 16th birthday is less than a month away, but I can’t go that long…I just can’t! Im going to spend my last couple of days creating good […]
Fellow Sufferers:
I’ve lived with Bipolar Type 2 since I was 12 years old. It is a form of manic-depression in which you don’t usually have psychotic problems, but you do have major mood swings — mild “ups” (hypomanias) followed by normal periods, and then crushing depressions.
I was not diagnosed until my middle forties. I attempted suicide three times in my early twenties. I still have sporadic suicidal ideas when I go through bad periods in my life. I’m nearly sixty now.
Since Bipolar Type 2 is genetic, it pervaded my family. My childhood was not good, to put it very mildly.
I know that when you are […]
Ok a lot of people may think i’m pathetic because i’m only 15 and i am already thinking about suicide… well i just don’t know what to do, i’m pretty much never happy i have so many bad memories in my past that i cant let go of… Up until about 2 years ago i always thought suicide was just an easy way out of things because that’s what my uncle did was take the easy way out of his problems by taking his life.
I now understand why some people think that is their only option, if you think you have nothing to live for then […]