Ok a lot of people may think i’m pathetic because i’m only 15 and i am already thinking about suicide… well i just don’t know what to do, i’m pretty much never happy iÂ have so many bad memories in my past that i cant let go of… Up until about 2 years ago i always thought suicide was just an easy way out of things because that’s what my uncle did was take the easy way out of his problems by taking his life.
I now understand why some people think that is their only option, if you think you have nothing to live for then what else is there to do.
I’m not really alone i have family although some of them aren’t very good support, but i have good friends that care about me but i feel like if i go to them for help i’m just gonna pull them down with me. I have counsellors but there is only so much they can do to help, they are being paid to care and help so its not like they are going to be someone that can really support me.
Well i guess for all this to make sense as to why i’m depressed i might as well explain what has happened…. Ok well i will start when i was about 4 and well to put it the nicest way possible my pop wasn’t exactly doing the right thing when it came to me and at the time i was too young to understand that what he was doing to me was wrong so now i just have the painful memories of what he had done to me and i think the worst part of it all is i know if i ever spoke up and told anyone there is no way anyone would actually believe me because obviously there is no evidence 11 years later… Well that’s just the start of it.
When i was about 11 is when my parents relationship started falling apart and my mum locked herself away in the computer room and pretty much pretended her kids and my dad didn’t exist, it was the really small things that still sticks in my memory about that time like i had to say goodnight to her through the door every night and if i ever needed a female to talk to i had to go to my aunty…
About the same time was when my cousin admitted to everyone that her father was raping her but at the time she didn’t know it was rape… When the news got out my uncle packed up and moved to a house my dad owned. I was the closest person to my cousin so i got the details of what my uncle did to her. After hearing what he did i couldn’t face him, my sister and brother went to see him with my dad every couple of weeks but i couldn’t bring myself to do it… Anyways at the time my uncle was going to court about it all because it still wasn’t definite that he was guilty of raping his daughter… about a month after he first got accused of raping my cousin he took his life and its been 4 years since then and i still have the same regret of not taking the opportunity of seeing him again, i feel like i let him down and i can never take it back…
About 2 years ago my mum started dating again and her boyfriend seemed like a real nice guy when i first met him and i was really happy for my mum… About a month into my mums relationship i started seeing my mums boyfriends true colours… It happened again he done the same thing that my pop did to me, they never raped my but they did other stuff… i don’t want to go into detail or anything because i don’t feel quite comfortable…
This all lead me to having depression and i now have two counsellors and i’m on anti-depressants… i also have bulimia and anorexia and doctors have told me that i will probably die at the age of 20 because my organs are failing so that is a bit scary… i also have a disease in my legs which if i live past the age of 20 i will be in a wheel chair for most of my life….
I’m not trying to get attention or sympathy by posting this i jut want some help if anyone out there is willing to help… i cant keep relying on my friends and family and counsellors can only help so much… so please i just need some advice.
I know it different for me to completely spill my guts out about everything that is bringing me down but its a bit over due… it feels good to get everything off my chest but i just don’t know what to do next.