Yes, this…
Plus wildly varying degrees of insomnia followed by just the opposite: days and nights where I can sleep for 12-14 hours at a time. Then more insomnia.
Clearly my brain flips a coin about this every night, (which might explain some of the migraines.)
Brain on Monday: “Oooh, tails! That means we stay awake staring at the ceiling all night!”
Brain on Tuesday: “Hey, look, heads! Now we get to sleep for 13 hours!”
Brain on Wednesday: “Wow, the coin landed on its side. I […]
I think it would be great if I could just open my skull and take my brain out. After that I put in the sink and just clean it. I rinse it down and wash it thouroughly. I wash everything away. Anxiousness, fear, depression, sadness and loneliness. After that I put it back in my skull and start a new happy life. That would be a hell of a thing.
Some days I’m ok, some I’m severely depressed and others I just want to die! Brain injury is a strange and vicious *****!!! Tattoos, music and spending time with the very few friends I have left helps me thru, no Dr’s, no drugs except weed:) and a few shots of JD!!!
I watch you listen to me,
but do you really hear me?
You use that sweet tone of voice, I’m sure that everyone gets,
I want to trust you, but your eyes are full of judgment and pity.
I am seeking help, but I am sure this is going to doom me.
I have nothing to say, I am choking on my tears.
I am so desperately looking for the solution to fix this problem.
I don’t know what to do anymore
Im still wondering wrong
Nothing can help me
Not a lyric or a song
But I’m still wondering why
Should i fall or should i fly…
Part of my brain says I should just take a leap of faith and talk to someone. Talk about the cutting, the suicide attempts. But I’m just feeling all the “what if’s”. I hope I can find the courage before it’s too late. I don’t want to die, but I don’t always want to live either.
I’m so ready to be done with it. I’ve got my setup just waiting for me to go peacefully into the quiet dark. It calls to me every night. This feeling in my chest physically hurts me and my brain is simply exhausted. But my plan calls on me to wait.
If I do it right, I’ll help a lot of people in the process. Until December, it’s just building up my savings so I’ll have something worthwhile to leave behind and cover my expenses. I don’t think I’ll be able to wait until then. I’m trying to be considerate to those who have to clean […]
I haven’t slept in two days. My brain won’t let me.
That’s alright though. I guess I’l just wallow in my misery over a bowl of lucky charms.
So, suicide is a weird thing.
I don’t mean to offend anyone with the above statement so allow me to explain further.
Every day since it’s entered my brain that at some point whether in the near or later future, I will most certainly be ending my life, there has been a war inside my mind. Now, there has always been a war inside my mind. The devil and the angel on my shoulder..the good wolf and the bad wolf, we’ve all heard those examples and cliches, but all in all they sum it up. The good voice telling me I’m great and awesome and offer the […]
I don’t want to die, but I made my mind: I have to. Unfortunately, I’m such a coward! It’s been month since I took the decision of killing myself. Months… And I keep postponing it, like everything else in my life… I would like it to be easy, but it’s not. It’s so hard to think to myself “This is the last time I see him/her. The last time I eat chocolate. The last time I take a bath.”, for everything…
I think that my suicide is so difficult to commit because I took the decision with my brain, not with my guts. I’m unhappy, […]
My grama thinks that I dont aprisieat what my dad gives me but thats a l I do aprisieat but she keep saying Im not. My mother things Im stupid that I do everything wrong that Im lazy but is noI dont help a lot because everytime I do my mom fighs that I do it wrong. My dad was always there for me but my grama always say that i brain wash my dad so I dont talk that much with him anymore. I only had a special person in my life my best friend and started to be my love yes it was […]
At the risk of identifying myself to anyone who knows me..
I had a woman come up to me a couple weeks ago and casually,comfortably,awkwardly tell me that she had followed me off a city bus a couple years ago in a snowstorm after exchanging smiles. To clarify, she was beautiful in the way that i like. The whole experience was so wholly unexpected…. that I honestly questioned whether or not i had imagined it
Kind of sobering.. I found it easier to believe that i had suddenly become delusional enough to imagine this.. than it actually happening.
So she asked me if i remembered her… If i […]
So, I had another session with my therapist the other day and she’s sending me off to be tested. We did a graph thing while talking, and she said, based off the graph, I’m one of those uncommon people who aren’t like everyone else. Just because I told her the main reason why I can’t sleep, besides the fact that my body decides it’s not to be tired until early hours in the morning. So, because I hear and see things that aren’t really there, I’m ‘special’. I’ve already got my appointment for the hospital which my psychiatrist sent out to get my brain or something tested. […]
I wish this life would through me a little hope im really drowning and don’t see a way out but this. I dont see a point of living anymore. I met the women i saw in dreams for many years I was suppose to marry and it was awful but great to cause I loved her so much and she did me to but then bad things after bad things kept happening and she dumped me after 2 and half years together. We had planned on getting married but couldn’t cause im on disability for brain and mental problems i have and if we got […]
Why I feel this way I don’t know. I’m just upset about nothing. Pathetic, really. Right? I wasn’t bullied. I wasn’t raped. I wasn’t abused. I’m just sad. I really do wish that I had a proper reason; a trigger; a valid purpose for wanting to end my life. They all say life will get better, but I don’t think it will. I used to. I thought this was all just a phase; a couple years of my life spent wallowing in my own pity and sadness. I’m only a teenager, after all. I will be sad sometimes. But this is a new feeling. A feeling […]
Ever since I can remember I have never been happy, I have always plastered on a smile to easy other peoples minds, to make it seem like I’m not bothered by my small wasted life. I’m drained, for years I have been fighting off suicidal thoughts but now it’s getting to hard, I don’t want to die, it will fuck up my family and friends but at the same time I can’t hold on for much longer, nothing I do helps, I go to every doctor to get anti depressants I’m scared of doing it, I’m scared of not doing it and living I’m scared […]
I fear that I might be alone on this one. I’m losing the one I love, and my hands are tied. Our love seems to be drifting further and further away as each day passes. She says she loves me, but her actions speak otherwise. She can’t get a job, not because places aren’t hiring, but for the simple reason that she has stopped looking. I cannot support both of us, and due to the economy, most couples have to work together in this area if they are to survive, let alone thrive. She is not independent, nor does she make any effort to become […]
As I sat there awakening from my dream-like state of fog that seems to be ever surrounding, whether it be sleep or the lack thereof, I realized that my morning ritual was left undone. So, I loaded bullet into the cylinder and give it a spin. Pulling back the hammer, I thought about the round I was using. It couldn’t be your standard run of the mill .44 mag round, for it could pass right through leaving me a vegetable. Potato or squash? Neither, because I was using a frag round, as to insure the job got done right. You see, the frag round breaks […]
I have been married for 25 years to the love of my life.Three months ago I was diagnosed with non small cancer of the lung and mets to the brain. Inoperable. One week later i found out my wife has been having an affair for three years. when I confronted her about it she told me she did not love me and has not most of our marriage. She stayed because I was a great provider and safe choice. she told me she has had six affairs in all. I am a broken man. She will not even take me to my chemo treatments. I […]
Eleven years. It’s been eleven years since I’ve had control over my emotions. Since I have felt any sense of normalcy or joy.
Medication after medication. None of them have worked.
Electro shock therapy. Gave me six months of relief before I relapsed, and my psychiatrist is convinced that the habits and anxiety and addictions that I never used to have before the ECT would have happened anyway. When I went through the treatment, I had no memory of anything for months straight. I forgot how to drive, where I was half the time, and each session was nightmarish.
Speaking of my psychiatrist, since I’ve started seeing him, […]
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