I think I’m going to kill myself tonight… I don’t have anything I feel happy for. I feel miserable. I don’t have anything to live for. I’ve tried meds, therapy, hotlines, doctors, but here I am…
I just don’t wanna live anymore. Yes I regret so may things and I want to do a lot of things in the future but not at the cost of what I have to go through everyday, depression and suicidal tendencies. I regret not showing my parents the lovely daughter I could be. I regret not being able to see my siblings’ future success in their career. I regret […]
Tag:
child
I am ashamed to live in this generation. I am ashamed to like in the U.S. I am ashamed to live in this world.
It’s disgusting. Women or men murdering their childern for their own selfish needs. Teenagers getting pregnant just to give the child to their mother to take care of while they go out and party. Grown men attacking teenaged boys and girls because they don’t like the way they dress. Grown women with fucking kids acting like a goddamn child that doesn’t get their way. Or these outrageous standards that most women put for men, or vise-versa.
Teachers raping or molesting their students. Teachers and/or […]
Here lately it seems like everything is going wrong. I’m having to fork out hundreds of dollars I don’t have on shit that shouldn’t be breaking. Appliances, computers, car, etc. everybody keeps fucking telling me “God only gives you what you can handle.” Well ya know what? Fuck that shit. I can’t handle being so damn broke I’m now thousands in debt. I can’t handle wondering if I’m gonna have enough left after fucking bills to feed my child. I can’t fucking handle people telling me this shit. I can’t fucking handle people telling me to be grateful. Fuck. I am grateful for the things […]
For starters, this is not one of those “talk me out of it” cries for help. This is a decision almost a year in the making. I do not suffer from depression, I have not made this decision lightly and I have done so sober and only during daylight to avoid any emotional bias.
I did my dry run this past weekend, my equipment is all setup and I felt 0 panic so this is happening.
Now for why: I am a pedophile. I am not however a child molester. The man that made me when I was 11, over two decades ago was however. I wonder […]
I feel her. Her reached is far. I remember everything about her – I am a willing hostage. She’s in the room. The flowers she loved and the electric laugh of a high voltage siren. She’s in the room. And nothing bad ever happened – the pillow is soft. She’s in the room. The child smiles and grabs her rose colored skirt. Dance she says and of course I do. She’s in the room. Yes we will live forever – we are just that solid. She’s in the room. Honey drips from the walls – I cry and she swallows my pain with her lips. […]
Funny, she once said to me that I must have an incredible life. She used to listen to me when I rambled on about traveling here and traveling there – she was young and I wore the mask well. Once again I was reminded that people really don’t know – the space between us is too grand. I was a hero to her and a joke to myself – I feared that if we hung out much longer she would see that I was just roadkill. How worldly was I – my well being hung on a thread at the corner of her smile. So […]
And again I’m crying like a child.
My mother and my sister both asked for my help at the same time. I can’t be in two places. They don’t seem to understand.
I left my only hobby, the only moment of the week when I see people and do something I like, because every week I had to pick up my sister from the train at that hour. Just too tired to argue with her.
I study in a online university, just to have time to work and pay for my degree. But I have to work in my mother’s shop for free so we don’t have to […]
alone and seen by nobody
she walks silently on the road
with only pain to keep her company.
she gives,
and they take,
as always.
noise comes to assault her
and she trembles,
but she is only here
to be brutalized
no one cares
for her brain.
she grows up to plod along
the sides of roads
every cruel mistake
torturing her mind.
everything set up
to make her blame
and hate
only herself,
the child is not allowed
to be angry
at the man.
she looks for love desperately
but in this world
finds nothing
but more pain.
judgment, rejection
no one can see the pain
behind the rage.
no one.
they leave her
and tell her it is because
she is not good enough
for them.
guilt a-plenty consumes her
but no one sees her
no one at all
and soon […]
Haven’t sleep ok in months. Neither tonight. But this morning… the cold seems to be gone. My dog’s head is on my arm. Somehow, the world seems to be quiet, and birds start to be back. For almost an hour, I slept like a child. Time to wake up. I’m still afraid of talking to people.
But for an hour, everything was ok.
I’ve been thinking alot lately and I’ve come to the conclusion that life is a waste. I kinda just want to disappear. Crumble away and let a primordial wind blow away my remains. I don’t have anyone to talk to. My “friends” only show up when they need stuff so I’ve distanced myself from them. I don’t have family. I might as well be an orphan, they let me drift around aimlessly and treat me like scum. I was a good child. Great grades. Nice job. Almost finish with college. But I guess all they see is someone to benefit from. As for love, I […]
Sickness comes in so many forms. My sick child sleeping in my lap, my Grandmother who died of her sickness, mental sickness…usually you just can’t find the words to say to fix these things but still you try.
I yearned for death as a child and adolescent. I hurt myself relentlessly, but could never muster up the courage to actually end it. I’ve escaped the life that was forced on me, the people who hurt me, the person that I was because of it all, but I still find myself anxious for death. I will be driving and have to fight the impulse to let go of the wheel or to jerk it in the direction of oncoming traffic. I will allow myself to close my eyes when I am tired and attempt to fall asleep while I’m still driving. I will imagine […]
As a teen…I never did drugs, slept around or smoke on corners. I never got bad grades, lied to my parents or did anything to make my parents feel ashamed of me …yet I was disowned by my alcoholic father.
Entering my 20’s I was still dating my 1st bf I had met after finishing school… I never cheated , I never dressed inappropriately or did anything to make him insecure or over- possesive…yet the relationship became abusive…mentally, emotionally… and near the end physically.
When I fell pregnant at 21, I freaked out. It hit me that I did not want to spend the rest of […]
Anyone have a memorable experience with the passing of a pet friend?
by Mizuki1000
written by Mizuki1000
Today I buried my dog. My best friend an only child like me could’ve had. I had to dig the hole and put her in it. The thing that made me so pissed was the fact my grandmother would not help me pick her up and tried to make me bend her legs to get her to fit in the hole I told her was small. I had to move her body to the side of the hole to make it bigger. My grandma did not tell me she wasn’t acting normal. I ate breakfast, and played on a computer while my dog was dying.
My […]
Elise, that you are
And that I am
Respect
Do we have to justify anything
I know the reflection of one
But do you know of mine
A pain that never-left
Ultimatum-balance
Break-free are the fish
Aquarius
Do you know, of the daemon-rot
Incarnation, do you know why I walk
Maxima, the only path, to reclaim
Of a child and his story, and I found
For you, and everyone
We need to decipher to the stone right-away
‘Cause I can’t take another second of this
Holy-Knight, forever to the debt
Sakura
I am mad! Mad at my depression that interrupted my life, caused heartache and hurts. Separated me from my family for my emotional safety. I am mad at the counseling I had that went no where because I didn’t understand my emotional state of mind, 20 years later!
Over the years I had counseling, but they said counseling wasn’t about dredging up your past, it’s about moving forward! But if the unresolved thoughts and feelings aren’t examined, it IS what I needed/need.
I tell you I am also mad about how many people are affected this way- family of origin does harm and leaves the child to heal […]
Does anyone else remember when they were about three years old and you would say “no, I don’t need that, I’m a big girl/boy”? I do. What made being “a big girl/boy” so desirable? It’s kind of weird thinking about myself as a child, how innocent and pure I was back then. I never would’ve guessed myself to be nearing the end of my teenage years and already wanting to end it, which doesn’t really surprise me to be honest, I hardly ever finish anything I start. It’s just so crazy to think, when I was a child I wanted to grow up, be a […]
My life has truly been a rollercoster these past few months. Ups and downs left and right ….. I wish I could see where my future would take me to see if its even worth all of this constant heartache. Every time i take one step forward I feel like I take 5 steps back…. I had a child with who I thought was the love of my life, he was cheated and lied to the most with in the first 3 months of being pregnant …. I decided to take a chance and leave him to look for a happier life…. That has lead […]
I want to throw myself off a building but I have a daughter, poor thing shouldn’t be in this wretched world but I was forced to have her (I’m 18 btw), and I know I should leave her with her father but i don’t even know anymore. He doesn’t have a job, his mother takes care of him, his father doesn’t accept the child, my boyfriend is a druggy with manic depression, lazy, and I just don’t know… Help?