I exist in a cycle of my being. I fly. I fall. I crawl. I bleed. And I have decided that for me to break the cycle, I must go. Where the cycle can’t exist anymore.
Tag:
Circles
I just moved from home, in an attempt to save enough money for a college I can’t afford, to an entirely new city. I’ve been excited to move away from that place all my life, but now I feel crippled by adult responsibilities. My rent is 700, and I need to get a job immediately.
But with no job availability, and no experience to speak of in regards to city work, I’m stuck. Without a job, I can’t get insurance, which I need for a psychiatrist, and then for meds.
I need a car to get a job out of town, which I need a job to […]
I’m tired of such hypocrites and judgmental individuals. I have made mistakes in my life, I’ve done some screwed up shit. But guess what? SO HAVE YOU. There’s no reason to act as if you are a saint. It’s ridiculous.
I’m tired of drama. No one cares about your life. That’s one concept that nearly ALL of humanity cannot seem to grasp. The only reason they would care about or even acknowledge your life is if there were DRAMA. Doesn’t that kind of seem like a freak show? Like the audience (humans around you) are enjoying watching you struggle with some obstacle or watching you completely fuck your […]
pissed yet again..
this is my life..
this is where i’m at
stumbling from 1 day to the next..
only another bottle to look forward too
with each drink the confidence grows
with each drink the pain subsides
no more I say…no more
what a complete load of bollocks it all is..
is today the day that it all ends..
or just another day of the usual hollow threats
need to get on that train and turn words into actions..
need to find myself
me..the real me..
can’t be ready..
but I am..
yes
no
yes
no..
enough
give me the strength and let me end this….
The prayers I used to say like now I lay me down to sleep if I should die before I wake.. Take on new meaning though I am not religious. And all the pain still there and the advice that you’ll just run in circles for years in therapy.
That feeling when you’re a little kid and you get lost in the grocery store, it’s scary.. but now I want it for good.
I’m dead. I don’t seem dead, I can breathe and taste food and smell flowers, and I don’t look dead but I AM DEAD. My mind has turned into decay, bit by bit it’s crumbling to dust. A lunatic lives inside here, a scavenger that feeds upon my decaying soul.
I look in the mirror and I don’t see my silhouette anymore, all I see is this thing that’s consuming me and my shadow behind it like a forgotten whisper of who I was once upon a time. I’ve shredded everything that has made me once me, my faith and my imagination are gone and […]
The thought of suicide is constantly on my mind, you could probably say i am obsessed with suicide (maybe thats why i’m on a suicide website). Well i guess i should explain myself first, as long as I can remember I have been depressed, initially mildly but for the past 5 years or so it has been intense. My life is just one big circle and i end up back at the start, im depressed as hell for months at a time i plan the date that i am going to end it all and then when the date comes i chicken out. The reason […]
Apparently I’m not supposed to post hateful or mean things here. Well , my hate isn’t directed at random people on this site. Am I allowed to hate the people I know? Do I even hate them? I’m sick of them certainly , they bore me. Am I allowed to ramble on like this? I quite like it. So here’s my deal. I don’t like life , I don’t like people , that’s certainly nothing new , everybody’s heard that a billion times I bet. But you see , I really don’t like people . I pity them . Watching all of these little people run around […]
Do you live in circles too? Maybe squares or smth?
I live in little, tiny suicide circles. Soon enough everything comes back to it. And I’ve even found a decent way to do it, with pills that simply make your heart stop, if overdosed. It seems so unbelievably simple. I understand that it wouldn’t be painless  etc, but the fact of death – the possibility of dying to my damaged brain seems like a miracle, something magical.
There’s nothing for me here. I’m really ugly and not the only one who thinks that way, so it’s not my imagination. And, as you know, beauty in this world […]
I am 20 years old. I am female. I am a law student. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am confused.
The first time I sat on my bedroom floor with a bowl of pills to swallow I was 13 years old. My Pop had recently succumbed to cancer, I’d lost a friend and I was just feeling awful. I swallowed two and then got scared. I swallowed two pills a day for four years. Every day. The first time was because I wanted to see my Pop. Every day after that for four years was just routine. What […]
I’ve been clean for so long, I haven’t cut in over a year and it feels good. But the feelings won’t go away, they’ll never go away. At times I feel better, at times I feel so happy, and then it comes crashing down again. Thoughts, thinking, I know it’s a gift for us to be able to think unlike other beings, but I don’t want to be left alone with mine. They take me to dangerous places. Once they start, they never stop. It gets so out of hand, and I have thoughts of cutting again. Only sheer willpower stops me. This desire of […]
I do believe I’ve begun to talk to myself as if someone else is there. I’m talking to a pretend someone who will help me with my problems. Except I woke up last night on the verge of a panic attack with just an aching feeling of grief and loneliness, hopelessness, worthlessness. I just moaned and threw myself around in circles because no matter what, the aching never left
I was a sad little girl. Â 35 years later, I’m a sad little girl who’s been on just about every medication possible. Â They all stop working after a few years.
I’ve never really had a relationship. Â I’m not sure what’s so unappealing. Â Maybe my sadness is more obvious than I think. Â Men don’t even pay attention to me. Â They never have. Â Having cute bubbly friends doesn’t help. Â My mother has nagged me about my weight since high school when I started gaining weight from the antidepressants.
I have a job and an education. Â I live in a rented 2 bedroom house that is much too big […]
Ever just watch pet fish? Watch them swim around in their bowl? Wonder if they are unhappy swimming in circles, seeing the same things, eating the same things, doing the same things? Does my fish, Flex, even know that my other fish, Murs, is in the bowl with him? Does he even notice the rainbow I put in their to help give them some scenery and something to swim through. Just like school, jobs, and sports are just thrown into the world to give us something to do. The flowers, trees, and ‘mystical wonderlands’ are just scenery to spice up the fact that we are just living in a bowl. Oh, and that fish next to you […]
A storyÂ
These scars tell a story
A story of me
My life, my feelings, my history
Each scar has it’s own meaning
This one on my wrist was from the day you kissed me goodbye and left me to die
These down my arm are from the months of self harm ending with an attemptÂ
These circles on my arm are lighter burns from the zippo I carved with your name on it
These scratches here and there are from the times someone else was there with me but yet I felt aloneÂ
This one on my chest is from where I was stabbed, this ring around my wrist […]
Love this ugly little world we’ve created. Â The only purpose is to screw, eat, sleep, get drunk, get high, and go to work. Â I was lied to. Â I grew up looking at both grandparents, paternal and fraternal–genuinely in love with each other and marriages that lasted over 60 years each. Â I thought I could have that. Can’t anymore. Â You’ve completely sicked up sex so much, it’s nothing but pointless empty monkey humping. Â No love, no respect, no dignity. Â It’s a sick public farce. Â And it’s all about party party party. Â Empty. Â Pointless. Â I’m supposed to fill up 60 to 80 of that mindless garbage?
Can’t find […]
I’m not perfect and I am by no means trying to say I didn’t do my fair share of. Hurtful thing. But why can you not take any responsibility for your damage you incurred? And why do you have to be so mean and spiteful and down right nasty. Just because something is different doesn’t mean its opposite. nothing is different but everything is unique. a fact is a fact. Cannot be changed but truth is objective. Preception is reality and no one can tell keep it from you. I hate that u won’t allow us to both be right. Its always a battle. […]
maybe–
but my girlfriend got me a souvenir. and herself edible vanilla body shimmer. her eyes are so beautiful when I stare into them–
i can’t kill myself when she does that–
but oh the dysphoria…the horrifying circles when I close my eyes; my favorite songs now haunting beasts– how can I deal with that?
Tired of the same thing. Every day. Feeling like garbage, wishing I was normal. Â
Sick of feeling sorry for myself, thinking about my problems instead of helping myself or others.  I recognize that I am self absorbed, but I can’t stop these thoughts. I want them to go away, but they don’t. I’ve tried Diazepam, Ativan, Effexor. They didn’t help me feel better, they just made me feel like a zombie; Neither good nor bad. I spoke to a medical doctor, a therapist, a psychologist, a parent, and a friend. They helped me hang on. Told me pleasant lies to subdue my anxiety and placate my mood, at least for those moments I was with them. But […]