I’m on this site just to put down what’s in my head, because I can never say it out loud. So, I’m probably going to sound really stupid, but whatever. My mom’s really been getting on me about grades lately. I’m an A student, but currently have a B in chemistry and a C in trig, which is a level above my grade. I know she’s just trying to be a good parent, but I just don’t get why it matters. Why does it matter if I have a B and a C? Why would it matter if that prevents me from getting into some […]
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cycle
I’ve been coming to this site for over 3 years now. I haven’t posted anything in over a year because I thought that I could fight this feeling of desperation, anxiety, loss and depression on my own. To be honest all I did was block everything out and I have become numb to the core. My world spun out of control last year with my mothers attempted suicide and her failed efforts to take my sister and I on the same journey to death (in simple terms: she tried killing as well by poisoning our dinner). This was the cherry on the cake that […]
When considering suicide, make sure you don’t get sent to a psychiatric hospital.
written by NotAttentionSeeking
I attempted to commit suicide a few days ago. Unfortunately I got caught and was sent to hospital. I have to say staying in public psychiatric hospital has got to be the most degrading experience of my life. Here is my story of stay in a psychiatric ward:
On the 20th October 2014, I had the unfortunate experience of dealing with the nurses on morning duty at the Adult Acute Ward. Just before the morning meeting, I had noticed that I got my menstrual cycle because my pants had blood stains on the crotch area. I asked one of the nurses if I could take a […]
I keep making the same mistake. I keep looking for intimacy in random hook ups, like it’s the spark of life, but it’s hurting me. I’m putting my body through abuse, and my friends are scared of me. They don’t understand why I’m doing it and they keep away from me. I’ve been with so many girls and guys, broken my heart over and over, and I’ve swallowed so many pills but can’t die.
For 10 years it’s been an endless cycle of pain and numbing that pain. It’s maddening. I want to get out. I want to have friends. Get a girlfriend. Be happy where […]
I am waiting.
I’m feeling super pissed now. I know. I’ll eventually crumble. I’ve always hated the end of the year. Worst. Memories ever.
I’m waiting.
For a worse memory to appear. For my anger and rage to dissipate, to be replaced by an abyss of hopelessness and regret. To be replaced by self hate. To push everyone away from me, from my own incompetence in life. To be angry at myself for doing so and repeat the whole cycle.
I’m waiting.
For a time where my life does not have this cycle. I wish I could kill people, but first I’d kill myself.
I’m waiting.
Till I am called by my […]
I’ve been feeling more than just a little down the last few days. I’ve always known that my MDD will come and go, regardless of the good and bad things in my life. The state of the world these days just seems to indicate there is no viable solution to the hate and killing. Why stick around and continue the vicious cycle?
This is One Blood by Terence Jay. A good representation of my attitude.
My mistakes consume me.
When ever one crosses my mind,
It crushes my lungs till I can’t breathe.
It replays in my head till I go insane.
It makes my stomach lurch, till I loose everything I ate.
The pain on other peoples faces spin around me till I hurt myself just as much as I hurt them.
Then when it all finnally fades away, I get reminded again.
And the cycle repeats.
I’m depressed and fantasize about suicide because the medical community can’t tell me why I’m in pain or how to fix my pain. However, they won’t prescribe me medication to deal with the pain because I’m depressed and fantasize about suicide. The never ending cycle of “screw me,” continues.
Kill me.
Kill me now, cut deep into my veins and bleed me until there’s nothing left
Nothing of me in this world
This wretched, hard, horrid place
Moving from mishap to mishap
never stopping
never breaking the cycle
I must get free of this cycle
The cycle bound by the chains of mortality
The only way to get out
to break free of my mortality
but the reason to get out?
to make life better.
STOP!
what is this?
this world? full of paradox and irony
the universe seems to cackle at every one of the informed
bringing them down further and further
there […]
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