I am waiting.
I’m feeling super pissed now. I know. I’ll eventually crumble. I’ve always hated the end of the year. Worst. Memories ever.
I’m waiting.
For a worse memory to appear. For my anger and rage to dissipate, to be replaced by an abyss of hopelessness and regret. To be replaced by self hate. To push everyone away from me, from my own incompetence in life. To be angry at myself for doing so and repeat the whole cycle.
I’m waiting.
For a time where my life does not have this cycle. I wish I could kill people, but first I’d kill myself.
I’m waiting.
Till I am called by my Father in Heaven. Ironic isn’t it? A supposed Christian life I lead is full of self hatred. I suck. A lot.
One year clean. I guess not anymore after tonight.
2 comments
Idk,Cb…dont throw away a years clean time. It was very hard won,and it is meaningful and you did it. This is a major achievement. It took years in and out for me to get a year,and you know as well as I do,that bad shit WILL happen once you start using again. Its inevitable. Keep holding on,and get a meeting every day during this time while you’re struggling…if you think you cant hurt any worse,and so WHY should you not use–this is you lying to yourself and making up justifications to sabotage your abstinence–Dont Listen. They are lies–I promise you it can get worse–a LOT worse.First.. Just be still,and dont pick up. Go to a meeting. Tell on yourself. Then listen to people who have time,explain how they got through what youre going through. Your supposed Christian life which is not making you happy..consider allowing your higher power to be better than what an ancient man made ,man inspired,man serving dogma,says god is. Consider letting God be better than all man made religions. I too dread the years end-it is an amplification of my loneliness. But I don’t have to do what I always do….I can do something different this year. Something completely different….I hope you hold on,Cb. What things do you imagine might make you happy….
Go to a meeting be around others and talk to other people who feel your pain and are in your situation, it helps many people from what I’ve seen. When you realize you aren’t alone and you have people who will support you despite your flaws and mistakes, it might make a difference. As to wanting to kill people, hatred and rage only make things worse. As cliche as it sounds love truly is the answer.