After all this time,I’m back. I decided to stop using the site for a while,get some breathe,turns out I’m back into that dark whole. I’m worse than before. I hate myself more. I’ve become this person who when I look in the mirror I feel sick. I’ve become this weak person who cannot stick up for themselves. I just do what’s best for everyone else and what makes them happy,no one sees I’m broken inside,no one sees or let alone cares. I started cutting again and they’ve got deeper more of,and some people notice and ask,I give a petty excuse and they believe […]
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deeper
“She is not someone you understand. She is someone you watch, someone you use, someone you mourn. She is made for love but love is not made for her. Everything about her runs deeper than in you; her madness is truer, her mind brighter and better broken, and her anguish is in her bones, not her blood. You will never forgive her for dying, but she will aways be dead forever, and your horror means nothing to her anymore. That, more than anything is why you still dream about her and her flowers thrown like curses. She has made herself no longer yours to dream […]
Have you seen Avatar? Not the cartoon but the giant blue people. No? Well, if you have time and are looking for a good movie, you should take some time to watch it. In the movie, Jake and Natiri go on an adventure and slowly being to “see” each other. It’s not a matter of having sight. It’s a matter of being able to see into someone. You can see their soul and true self and you can show an immense respect for someone because you see them. This is a notion I’ve always had. I care only for the beauty of your soul and […]
Well, here I am in the middle of the night again after another typically fruitless, frustrating day. I struggle to get scraps of work in the only two vocations I have…commercial graphics and photography. Clients have simply disappeared despite my best efforts. What I don’t get is that my stuff pisses all over most of the material I see and I can’t get anyone to hire me at a wage any better than that of a janitor…or they want a degree, screw my experience. And the people who know NOTHING about my business are the first to offer “advice.” Ridiculous, insulting and just puts me […]
The tip of the blade touches my skin
My body shrieks for me to stop
But with my heart aching so
My mind tells me to carry on
I push the blade hard against my frail skin
The tears fall delicately like the melancholy of rain droplets
Yet as I pull the stainless steel up my arm
My emotions are gone, I just feel numb
I ardour watching as my skin torn asunder
Almost […]
Sometimes I want to end it all
Sometimes I want to die
Sometimes I want to run away from life
Sometimes I want to join god
Sometimes I want to go visit my grandpa
Sometimes I want to cut myself deeper taking the risk
But then I think of all the people who care
All the people’s hearts I would scar
I can’t be selfish because I want to end it
I don’t want them to cry
I stay because I don’t want them to feel my pain
I have pain that they don’t need cast on them
I’ll take everything because I love them
I can try to convince myself that they will be better off without […]
No idea where to turn to anymore..
Everyday feels like I only am left to waste away more. Tired of people telling me “there’s so much to be thankful for” “think of the positives”.. Only how can I be so positive when the nightmares and flashbacks are a movie stuck on repeat. So vivid so clear.. The anger rushes over me and I quickly return to the blade . The one thing I know will never judge me. The one thing I know will never leave me or betray me. Suddenly feeling ashamed. Who am I?.. Where has all this gone. Why did I die the […]
Many people blame us for not letting them in.they blame us for us being alone.they say how are they suppose to know if we’re sad or happy or mad if we never open up.im tired of hearing it.to all you who dont understand.WE CANT.even if we wanted to.we wouldnt be able to.its not that easy dammit.instead of blaming us for us being alone.why cant they look deeper.if you look close enough…you’ll see so much more.pay attention and you’ll see our true feelings.look deeper and you’ll see…
It has no title cause I can’t think of one. Here it is.
I tried to figure out
Why my heart is full of doubt
Once I felt love, then I was betrayed
Felt life crumble, and begin to fade
Paranoid, my mind filled with lies
who I am I began to despise
so I took myself and I hurled
my heart to the ground, and shattered my world
I became nothing, no love, no pain
Just held razor blades to my vein
I cut deeper and deeper, just to feel
till pain and pleasure became real
but got carried away, and cut too deep
at last my friends, I can sleep
When I pray, I pray for death. The scars on my arm cry for recognition. Recognition of a cause, recognition of a solution. They draw attention, but never a consolidation. One would have to care to consolidate. They never cared about me or my pain. The pain that draws me from sleep, the pain that crushes my soul. The pain of never knowing a real family. A family to call my own. A family who’s veins run with the same blood . A family begot from love and trust. I never knew a family. I never knew a mother. I never knew a father. She’s […]
I have this demon, he lives inside me. He tells me that if i cut deeper and deeper , every thing that is wrong with me will go away.
The more i cut he says, the more it will leave my mind. He tells the truth, he is the one that helps me when no one else is there. One day I am going to be gone, but my demon will live on. Have yourselves a good night darlings~
Why am I either so angry, sad, or blank all the time?
I’m tired of life, i am so tired that today i forgot to hide my wrist. I am so caught up and lost in this depression that i don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. My mother saw my cuts, she yelled and i yelled. I am now placed in therapy and under suicide watch. I am trapped , i can no longer be alone and that just makes me want to die more. My next cut is going to be deeper and the other deeper and deeper. Am i hurting others? Or am i just hurting myself ? i thought i was […]
I cannot choose anything in my life. Underground Man was right. No desire in me goes deeper than my desire for truth. i was wrong when i said i will choose freedom over truth if such a choice comes. i was recently given this choice. i stuck to truth. truth is unbiased. each decision in life is biased. you need a reason to do anything, and that reason has a beginning somewhere. no reason is “holy”. something has to begin somewhere. so how can i choose anything? on what basis i will make that choice? what is worthy enough to be given preference?
And what’s worse […]
I stand looking at myself in the mirror and what do I see….?
One bloody mess.
I hate everything I see….
I seem…. so unreal to me
….I’m in utterly disbelief….
Hands bloody…arms bloody… face bloody….
the blade is my best friend and my lover.
We go together like ice and vodka..
I feel I’m in hell… I’m tormented in this shell..
I slice open, watching my flesh strip away…
While my mind goes into a relaxing place….. I feel good now… well almost… let me go a little deeper… almost there!…just a little deeper…now I’ve climax into one unemotional mess… now I hate myself…For […]
A few days ago, i was reading this article on this girl. She had committed suicide, no one wrote a review there was not an obituary, no one noticed that she was gone. I have come across many articles like that to be honest. People like us do not get recognized , we are probably not important. I’ve come to realization that I am not important, that no one would care if i was gone, that every cut i make should be deeper and deeper. William Shakespeare wrote “What greater punishment is there than life when you’ve lost everything that made it worth living?” I […]
Shattering heart,
Wounded soul.
How would she deal,
With all of this pain?
Wrists flowing red,
Mind screaming thoughts.
You’ve never heard a story,
Quiet like this.
She loved to draw,
And she loved to paint.
But, she used the wrong materials,
And it was all to late.
Her pen was a razor.
And her canvas,
Her wrist.
Her canvas was covered,
But she wasn’t finished yet.
Her canvas switched,
From her wrist to her thigh.
She wanted to keep drawing,
To show everyone her pain.
The drawings were getting deeper,
She was nearing the end.
She wanted someone to find her,
With her drawings on her skin.
I still remember the glint of your eyes, the vibration of your pale irises, the pinch of your cheeks as your transfiction deepens, god I remember it all. What you were staring at is lost to me, and the absence of such an essential detail carves the hollow caves of my heart even deeper. Your mouth is curved, poised to speak but frozen in the grasp of your captivation. What you meant to say is suspended on your tiny lips, like a bird furled in its cage, the door open but caught on its jutting wing, so close to being liberated yet restrained by itself. […]
I had a panic attack today I never experienced anxiety till this month. It’s been atleast one eveeday now. It really started with a subtle paranoia the small thought that maybe ill fail maybe my friends are lying to me. Now it’s become completely out of hand. I’m encased in lies and dangerous things and I’m afraid to make a move because I’ll fail I know I will. And all the while the spiders that spin their webbed lies that I used to call friends race on without me. I can’t blame them I never let them see my panic […]