I mean we’ve never really been financially stable it seems with a father who doesn’t seem to give a shit about how he spends his money then again he was raised on a farm so I’m sure its hard for him to adopt to life here but it sure would help if he at least acted to give a fuck about us at all -_-… anyways yes Money always seems to be a problem n My Mom is always stressing about it she works so hard n we still never have enough she has these talks with Me about what I should do with My […]
Tag:
enough
and now it’s happening in mine.
I’m done. I’ve slowly been moving from sadness, loneliness, despair to feeling nothing. I feel emptier as each day passes. I will dangle lifelessly soon enough. This joke isn’t funny more.
I hate the weekends. I have no where to be and the anxiety consumes me. At least during the week I have some responsibility that forces me to function and get distracted from what triggers me. Weekends remind me of my lack of meaningful connections and that my participation is not required or sought after. I often end up self medicating so I can relax enough to sleep or settle down enough to read or watch movies. When that doesn’t work I reach out to people who don’t truly respect me simply for some companionship and pseudo moments of feeling like I am part of […]
How do you tell them?
How do you tell them that you don’t want help?
How do you tell them that you don’t want to find a new job?
How do you tell them you don’t want to find someone else?
How do you tell them you don’t want to move away again?
How do you tell them you don’t want to start over?
How do you tell them you don’t even want to leave the house?
How do you tell them you don’t want to sleep?
How do you tell them you don’t want to be awake?
How do you tell them that none of those things make the emptiness go away?
How do tell […]
New clothes – just to beat myself for not being skinny enough
Too much alcohol – so I can justify the intensity of self hate.
And then that feeling of numb emptiness….. What’s the point? Just give up….let the waves pull you under and it will stop hurting
Im just done. I cannot take this anymore. I can no longer handle being shoved around or not having anyone there for me. Its just to overwhelming, to stressful, to depressing. I feel so alone. Nothing matters. Numbness is my bestfriend. Im just not enough to hold up all this weight. No one would see this coming. I never showed a sign of hurt when they called me those names. Saying i looked aneroxic and that no one likes me. Really they just pushed it and hid it furthet and further deep down inside of me. But one human being can only take so much. […]
I’m not trying to use reverse psychology or guilt anyone here. I seriously am saying, “Don’t mind me…” I just want to complain for a couple sentences to make myself feel better. If you don’t wanna read the complaints of a tired, sick, and crabby person, keep moving. Don’t mind me.
I become very very needy when I am sick. I’ve begun to notice that as I sit here constantly complaining about being frozen and then instantly throwing blankets off because I’m too hot. I “LOVE” being sick…<—That was sarcasm. I think i’ve settled on the notion that i’ve got the flu. Yippie! End sarcasm. Every […]
Maybe she is the smart one. Maybe I am just rotten inside. Maybe I was so horrible to her that she cant forgive me. I didnt think I was. I loved her with everything I am but maybe the stupid mistakes I made were that horrible. She is better off without me. I dont deserve anyone, especially her. She is amazing. I am nothing. I mean why would anyone want to be with someone who cuts themselves? She should run away. Run far away Bonney. Get away from this monster you were with. She deserves happiness and I cant give that to her. She wants […]
Nothing I ever do it good enough for anyone. I’ve been trying so hard for work and so hard in all my relationships and everyone looks at me as a problem. I wish these thoughts in my head would stop I wish I could look past how much everyone is fed up with me. I can’t all I can think is how much easier on everyone it would be if I just wasn’t around.
It’s never ending. Every time I recover I get hit with another blow. I’ve made it through trial after trial, never knowing how I ended up on the other side alive. I’m not going to tell my life’s story in my first post on this site, but I will give some insight. I’ve lived the majority of my life alone. What time I was around people; “family”, shelters, fosters, etc.; I always felt different, unwelcome, crazy. I’ve contemplated my death since the beginning of my memories, in a way it fascinates me. I’ve just never had the balls to actually go through with it, I […]
I have worked my stinky little self hard trying to “make it.” Now, I can’t take it anymore. I’m too old. late thirties. The ridicule I get everywhere I go. And I am female so men make sure I know how they feel about nasty women. I am infamous. I smell bad no matter what I do. (Yes, I shower. No I don’t have BV, VD, etc. No one gets close enough to pass me those gifts.) I thought it would go away one day via diet, doctors, etc. Nothing has helped. After 20 years, since puberty, I give up that dream.
I have learned to accept the constant […]
I’m not really sure how to begin this, or I guess, really, how to say any of this.
My name is John, and my middle name is Ira. I’m 25 years old, and I feel utterly hopeless. I just stayed up all night, debating whether or not I would have the balls to do it. Now it is Saturday morning, and I am a fucking COWARD. I’ve never felt as sad, or alone or I fucking hate to admit this, misunderstood in my whole entire life.
I guess if worst comes to worst, there’s a secret, ashamed part of me that wants someone, anyone, I cared about, […]
I cant seem to find words for him…i cant bring my self to ask for anything i want or need..because i have been turned down and hurt so many times before by so many others my mind will not accept that he wont..
when i ask him a question..a serious question that is bothering me.. i know the answer i get is the truth…but i cant bring my mind to trust him.. what will i do if i can never trust him .. how do i get past all this.. i dont want to be alone… i KNOW he will leave me because of my mood […]
254.
Two hundred fifty four days since I first made my decision. I went out that day with my rope to a nature trail that is rarely used nearby my work. One solid tree in the secluded woods was all I wanted. It was my birthday. I began walking down the trail, but slipped at the end of a wooden bridge, wet with the Autumn rain. I touched my head. Blood.
Weighing my options, I pulled myself up and headed back to my car. Where I fell was clearly visible by a nearby parking lot, so instead of risking the possibility that anyone that might have seen […]
I live in constant fear, I react to everything in an exaggerated way, I have also hypersensitivity to sounds and to touch.
Low self esteem because psychological child abuses, I am all ways the different guy that everyone doesn’t want to go along. With a neurologic syndrome where is very difficult to identify feelings and other things that makes very very hard to establish relationships with others.
All this drains my energy so much that I fall into depressed states with constant toughts of suicide and stop all this shit. Have attempted before but pain was too much strong that I couldn’t cut just deep enough. Also I […]
There is so much fear. I want to go back to school this fall to finish my degree but I’m not sure how I am going to survive. I had big dreams of graduating and going on to MIT for graduate program or even just getting a job and being responsible. I feel like I am falling apart here. I feel as though I am either normal or depressed and not functioning. I don’t trust medication and I don’t trust the doctors who screwed me over. I became depressed on birth control, then took Prozac, was abusing Adderall in between to finish deadlines and the whole […]
Life is tough even on our own but I assure you it is much easier solo. How do you please one that cannot be pleased because they secretly yearn for their ex fiancé and children. I did not take them from you, she did. I am only here as a pathetic replacement, I can understand that. I am very aware I do not and can not provide you with the same stability and domestic service. I am a young woman with bipolar and it is hard enough to take care of myself and my house financially let alone you also. I do not have the […]
I don’t form connections with people easily and when it rarely happens the other person runs a mile because I don’t deal well with it. But this time with this one person she didn’t turn her back on me. She listens to what I say for the most part, doesn’t just ignore me like everyone else did and makes me feel like I exist and matter.
I haven’t been coping very well with living lately. We work together in a high pressure environment which has me stressed out for most of time. And the past few days we’ve been arguing which I NEVER do with anyone. […]
Does anyone ever have the feeling that suicide is just a bad day away?
Sometimes it’ll hit at the weirdest moments, like I’ll be re-edging a knife and once it’s sharp enough to shave hair my mind will skip a beat and suddenly I’m imagining what it would be like to just slice open an artery with it. Not the wrists (too cliche, and I feel it would take too long…plus they can cut the bleeding off at the wrists if they find you in time), like the neck or under the armpit somewhere that’ll bleed quick and can’t be undone. It scares the hell out […]
I’ve already picked a date on when I’m going to kill myself. I decided I’ll do it by overdosing on nortriptyline. I have a total of 600mg and a bottle of red wine. Will that be enough? I’m afraid I’ll wake up paralyzed or brain damaged. I don’t want it to be a failed attempt. I hope it won’t be too painful.