Don’t wanna talk negatively
My car destroyed, glasses and phone broken, and me bleeding all over the fucking pavement mistaking a concussion and shock for dying.
It was such a relief. Except then I didn’t die. Not even close. And everyone tells me it’s a miracle and all that matters is I’m here. What can you say to that? “I feel so lucky and grateful for your care. You mean everything to me. And yet, somehow despite all of that I continue to actively seek and desire death, even knowing how much it will hurt you.”
I haven’t tried to kill myself in eight years because the last time ruined everything and […]
Ghosts in the photograph
never lie’d to me.
I’d be all of that
I’d be all of that.
A false memory
would be everything.
A denial my eliminent.
What was that for?
What was that for?
What would you do
if you saw spaceships
over Glasgow?
Would you fear them?
Every aircraft,
every camera,
is a wish that
wasn’t granted.
What was that for?
What was that for?
Try to be bad.
Try to be bad.?
Maogwai.
I am dying inside and still feel like dying in the literal fashion
However I have decided, I am not to take my own life, I’m going to go back to the Militia in Syria. I was happy there. I left a life I love for a woman that emotionally tortured the shit out of me for nearly a year. If I die there then so be it.
Things were going well, her parents had talked some sense into her, She got the Christmas Presents I sent (over $2k worth) my house was getting ready for sale (I am pulling it off the market in the next […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Why did I have to sink this low? I opened up a new chapter in my life, graduated and got a job. I told myself that I’m going to try hard. I thought finally I found something I’m good at, some way to fit in society in a productive way. It was far from the truth.
So far I feel like I suck at my job. I suck at everything about it from the core of the job to communicating or even socializing with my coworkers.
I just can’t concentrate and keep my mind clear. I can’t focus when so many distracting thoughts pop in and out […]
Why am I back here? I suppose I’m afraid. Afraid that it’s all just empty. All the crap I fill my mind with to keep me going. It’s all just illusory. Most of it’s fantasy, and what isn’t is hollow.
And maybe sensing this makes me afraid. Because maybe humans need to believe in goals to survive and thrive. Maybe we need to believe that this one thing we’re focusing on will make everything worthwhile. Because if we lose that belief, then why do anything? Why not just lay down and die?
Apathy is a threat to survival. Maybe that is why I’m afraid.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
My escape has always been, and always will be, reading. I’d spend days reading book after book in series before moving onto the next series that caught my interest. Harry Potter, 13 to Life, Shiver, Hush Hush, Fallen, etc. I’d lose myself into the fantasy, just for a little while, and it would ease my pain. It’d make me forget I was sad, if only for a little while.
Now that I’m in college, I don’t have much time for escaping. Not with the work loaded down on me. 5 hours of homework from Accounting 1100 (per day,) at least 4 hours for English, Psychology, and […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
A few decades ago, when I was still depressed but had more energy than I do now, before my health declined to the point where I became disabled…
I had a six-month internship in a mental hospital, working to become a music therapist.
I got to see all types of patients. Schizophrenic, Depression, Bipolar, Alzheimer’s, Psychotic… everything.
I can’t go into details because of confidentiality, but I remember one moment more than anything else.
There was one day when a new patient was admitted. He was […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I’m not mean, but I’m truthful.
I’m not crazy, I’m just unconventional.
I’m not alive, although I’m not dead.
I’m not depressed, however I am in pain.
I’m in pain because I’m conflicted. Why? Because I love dragging the sharp blade across my skin. The way it stings, the way my blood drips, the way it makes me feel.
Every once and a while, my cravings increase to a point of concern. It’s not longer just hurting myself by the pocket knife I keep by my bedside, it’s wondering what it would feel like to crash my car into a tree. What it would feel like to fall off of […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
What if I told you I was suicidal?
You would say, “Suicide is for the weak. The ones who can’t bear to live anymore.”
But I’m not weak. I’m choosing to kill myself. Does that show weakness?
What if I told you I had nothing to live for anymore?
You’d tell me the meaning of life is to be happy. What about my parents and friends?
What if I told you I had no friends?
“What friends?” I’d ask. “The ones who think I’m just a moody *****? The girls who are too immature to understand what […]
We can only stay in the fantasies our heads create for so long i guess. 🙁
Do you know what’s the worst thing about suicide?
It isn’t making the decision.
It isn’t buying the things you need.
It isn’t writing those letters to your loved ones.
It isn’t booking the hotel room, so your loves ones doesn’t find your body making it worse.
It’s not even the preparation: putting everything on the table, so you have everything in one place and you just need to sit down and start. Oh no.
The worst thing is when you plan everything, you do everything and 36 hours later you f_cking wake up looking like shit, pale, and you have to go home and pretend like nothing happened.
It’s not the […]
For one, my 2nd job is turning into my main job. My boss there is moving to LA and it’s going to be member-run. If we want full time pay, it’s up to us to get the donations to make it happen and sustain paid staff. In a sense, I got what I wanted. I thought I wanted to start businesses and nonprofits many times, but now I’ve inherited a nonprofit. I still worry about being homeless in April when the people I rent from move.
I was put on to doing some kind of presentation for the Buddhist center and it turned out to be […]
I posted on here a while ago asking for help with therapy. I wanted to ask why do people feel the way they do when you tell the truth about how you feel. Yes everything that everyone is going threw is sad, but if you really want help with it you have to be honest and tell the truth right. But then when you tell the truth you get nothing but negative reactions or people just blow you off. I compleatly understend now why everyone never really tells people there true feelings. Well not to people like there families. One of the worst part about […]