I think a lot of people do. I kknow i do. I feel like ill never be loved i know ive never been loved by anyone ive loved. I think if i was beautiful that love would be easy. Then at least i’d have that part. Which is what i remember wanting the most for the longest, even as a kid. Every night i had tears covering my pillow and I’d beg God to send me someone who i would love and would love me just as much. God never answered that prayer. I prayed it more times than i even know. Begging him with tears as a child, a teen even as an adult. If i was beautiful at least i could have that part. Maybe all the rest would still be hard…. But at least someone would love me.
^^ ” Every night i had tears covering my pillow and Iād beg God to send me someone who i would love and would love me just as much. God never answered that prayer. I prayed it more times than i even know. Begging him with tears as a child, a teen even as an adult.”
This brought tears to my eyes because I have cried those same tears, asking Him for that exact same thing. And I got the same silence that you have gotten, which breaks my heart. š
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one, but still it’s such a shame. So many people suffer so much when all they’re asking for is a partner who will love them the way human beings need to be loved. It makes me sad to wonder if that’s really so much to ask….?
Hey, oh gosh im sorry. I keep on posting the most awful stuff. At least you can relate. I don’t know if that makes you feel better or worse. I keep on writing stuff then deleting it because people here feel bad enough as it is
I just found this site the other day but im guessing we all feel awful, but that we can all pretty much relate with each other, and if nothing else, talking to people who actually do relate, cause no one i know in the real world talks about this stuff, seems kind of helpful, and it kind of distracts (me atleast) from thinking even worse thoughts and acting on them for the moment. Ya know?
In the end, i don’t think it matters because we will all be nothing in the end. In a way that makes me feel better. So no matter how much pain you feel, how alone you feel, it will be over forever after we die. So in a way it doesn’t matter. I’m probably not making sense.
how petty and horrible i am that i would kind of rather just get it over with now instead of spending my whole life alone (and feeling like this) im sure thats not the best attitude to have you have a better way of looking at it i think
Well said. I wish it were easier to give and accept love instead of comparing and second guessing.
I guess there’s little reinforcement for such actions, from the broader evolutionary standpoint.
I don’t know, but I do hope you find some peace with or without the others.
True Story: a friend of mine told me he was doing awful after I unloaded a wall of text about how pathetic my life has been the past week. After reading it I thought hmmmm…..him being so bad off makes me feel rather better about my situation and I felt like I could help him back.
See that is the point of help sites like SP, I share the pain, the negative, so it doesn’t build up and resonate in my mind. Packing grief and pain into my heart just makes things worse. I think I am all alone, that no one can possibly feel the way I do. But it isn’t the truth, not remotely. So I told him, I said that seeing how bad he was doing made me feel a whole lot better. He agreed and gave me the answer I just wrote.
Share, think of it like a soda can that has been sitting in the sun. I can shake it up and let it explode and stain my clothes or I can slowly open it a little at a time letting the pent up pressure out. Either way the soda is leaving the can, I just chose how it will be leaving.
Darklytwisted your words mean so much to me. I’m glad i didn’t make you feel worse. I pretty much never connect with ppl, even my own friends and family. Sometimes the ppl who are supposed to be closest feel more distant than strangers. You’re so right about people in the real world never talking about this. It drives me so insane because it makes me feel like i must be the only one who feels like this.
Ibidem thanks for responding. There is no I š what could be more comforting than that…
I’ll repost my original post below… i copied and pasted it somewhere else for myself, as self absorbed as that sounds…
I don’t feel as reluctant to voice what i think here anymore. I used to be terrified.
Ā
All the things that make me depressed are irrational. Most of my ‘negative’ emotions are useless. Thoughts like she’s so pretty, she must be happy. Then wishing i knew what it was like to look like that. How differently people would treat me. There was this beautiful girl in a food court i was in. I wanted to stare at her but i didn’t want it to be obvious. People that beautiful don’t need to look for attention. Maybe it doesn’t matter. It’s just different.It’s an illusion. Everything seems more glamorous from the outside anyway. I had this friend, she seemed perfect in every way. But it was an act. She depended on constant attention. The insecurity that at least 99% of people feel, just manifests in different ways. Arrogance and narcissism is a form of insecurity. The need to make other people small.Ā
Everyone wants to be noticed. Loved. I guess that’s what it comes down to. Love. What is love? The release of chemicals in the brain to promote mental wellbeing of strong people, so they can thrive and reproduce. Survival of the fittest. Healthy bodies, quick minds.Ā
I mean why does jealousy destroy people?Ā
I tell myself I don’t need to compete, but that’s the only choice we have. for me at least. I feel like i need to fight so hard, just to get by. I wonder how many people feel like this.
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I think a lot of people do. I kknow i do. I feel like ill never be loved i know ive never been loved by anyone ive loved. I think if i was beautiful that love would be easy. Then at least i’d have that part. Which is what i remember wanting the most for the longest, even as a kid. Every night i had tears covering my pillow and I’d beg God to send me someone who i would love and would love me just as much. God never answered that prayer. I prayed it more times than i even know. Begging him with tears as a child, a teen even as an adult. If i was beautiful at least i could have that part. Maybe all the rest would still be hard…. But at least someone would love me.
^^ ” Every night i had tears covering my pillow and Iād beg God to send me someone who i would love and would love me just as much. God never answered that prayer. I prayed it more times than i even know. Begging him with tears as a child, a teen even as an adult.”
This brought tears to my eyes because I have cried those same tears, asking Him for that exact same thing. And I got the same silence that you have gotten, which breaks my heart. š
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one, but still it’s such a shame. So many people suffer so much when all they’re asking for is a partner who will love them the way human beings need to be loved. It makes me sad to wonder if that’s really so much to ask….?
Hey, oh gosh im sorry. I keep on posting the most awful stuff. At least you can relate. I don’t know if that makes you feel better or worse. I keep on writing stuff then deleting it because people here feel bad enough as it is
I just found this site the other day but im guessing we all feel awful, but that we can all pretty much relate with each other, and if nothing else, talking to people who actually do relate, cause no one i know in the real world talks about this stuff, seems kind of helpful, and it kind of distracts (me atleast) from thinking even worse thoughts and acting on them for the moment. Ya know?
In the end, i don’t think it matters because we will all be nothing in the end. In a way that makes me feel better. So no matter how much pain you feel, how alone you feel, it will be over forever after we die. So in a way it doesn’t matter. I’m probably not making sense.
how petty and horrible i am that i would kind of rather just get it over with now instead of spending my whole life alone (and feeling like this) im sure thats not the best attitude to have you have a better way of looking at it i think
Well said. I wish it were easier to give and accept love instead of comparing and second guessing.
I guess there’s little reinforcement for such actions, from the broader evolutionary standpoint.
I don’t know, but I do hope you find some peace with or without the others.
True Story: a friend of mine told me he was doing awful after I unloaded a wall of text about how pathetic my life has been the past week. After reading it I thought hmmmm…..him being so bad off makes me feel rather better about my situation and I felt like I could help him back.
See that is the point of help sites like SP, I share the pain, the negative, so it doesn’t build up and resonate in my mind. Packing grief and pain into my heart just makes things worse. I think I am all alone, that no one can possibly feel the way I do. But it isn’t the truth, not remotely. So I told him, I said that seeing how bad he was doing made me feel a whole lot better. He agreed and gave me the answer I just wrote.
Share, think of it like a soda can that has been sitting in the sun. I can shake it up and let it explode and stain my clothes or I can slowly open it a little at a time letting the pent up pressure out. Either way the soda is leaving the can, I just chose how it will be leaving.
Darklytwisted your words mean so much to me. I’m glad i didn’t make you feel worse. I pretty much never connect with ppl, even my own friends and family. Sometimes the ppl who are supposed to be closest feel more distant than strangers. You’re so right about people in the real world never talking about this. It drives me so insane because it makes me feel like i must be the only one who feels like this.
Ibidem thanks for responding. There is no I š what could be more comforting than that…
I’ll repost my original post below… i copied and pasted it somewhere else for myself, as self absorbed as that sounds…
I don’t feel as reluctant to voice what i think here anymore. I used to be terrified.
Ā
All the things that make me depressed are irrational. Most of my ‘negative’ emotions are useless. Thoughts like she’s so pretty, she must be happy. Then wishing i knew what it was like to look like that. How differently people would treat me. There was this beautiful girl in a food court i was in. I wanted to stare at her but i didn’t want it to be obvious. People that beautiful don’t need to look for attention. Maybe it doesn’t matter. It’s just different.It’s an illusion. Everything seems more glamorous from the outside anyway. I had this friend, she seemed perfect in every way. But it was an act. She depended on constant attention. The insecurity that at least 99% of people feel, just manifests in different ways. Arrogance and narcissism is a form of insecurity. The need to make other people small.Ā
Everyone wants to be noticed. Loved. I guess that’s what it comes down to. Love. What is love? The release of chemicals in the brain to promote mental wellbeing of strong people, so they can thrive and reproduce. Survival of the fittest. Healthy bodies, quick minds.Ā
I mean why does jealousy destroy people?Ā
I tell myself I don’t need to compete, but that’s the only choice we have. for me at least. I feel like i need to fight so hard, just to get by. I wonder how many people feel like this.