So much to think about…

For one, my 2nd job is turning into my main job. My boss there is moving to LA and it’s going to be member-run. If we want full time pay, it’s up to us to get the donations to make it happen and sustain paid staff. In a sense, I got what I wanted. I thought I wanted to start businesses and nonprofits many times, but now I’ve inherited a nonprofit. I still worry about being homeless in April when the people I rent from move.

I was put on to doing some kind of presentation for the Buddhist center and it turned out to be making something out of pictures someone took on their phone through the past year. So I ended up making a video out of it, and it was played today in the big auditorium. A first for me as far as my “film career” goes. And people seemed to really enjoy it. No lie, it feels good. I wish I could contribute more to society, the world and others…

Anyway, this one person seems to always jump my case, really pushes my buttons but it’s not all entirely bad. I seem to get pissed off then several hours later, once I can process everything, it’s more like she pushes me to change my ways. So, today, she was asking about my mom, and I was having to defend why we don’t have a relationship. Uh, coz my mom doesn’t want a relationship with me, never has, never will. Then she said I should be eternally grateful to my mom for giving me life. And initially I’m thinking like, fuck, I never wanted to be born! I didn’t ask for this and I’m stuck here trying to survive! But several hours later, it dawned on me that if anything, the only thing my mom ever shared with me and the only time she really treated me like a person was when I was little and she was taking photography classes, and she’d be so excited about what she learned that she passed on to me everything from every class, and taught me how to have the photographer’s eye for things. And that translates into cinematography. If I didn’t have that, I’d really be a useless fuck. So, at least I got something.

And I realized, after stumbling across some videos about past lives this week, that maybe I do know something about some of my past lives after all. The only ones I know anything of are around the Aztec/Inca/Mayan age but I can’t say which civilization I lived in. I had an early interest in them as a little kid and read endless books about them until my later 20’s. Possibly one around the Viking age too. And finally, a very short life in Justice, IL. It’s a little place outside Chicago that I first saw in 2005. It creeped the shit out of me and I felt very strongly that I lived there before, and died as a kid or teen. I had a friend drive me back there sometime last year (10 years later) and felt more like I got some closure. But now I’m wanting to go see the area a third time and see if I can really pin point anything. So maybe this is all true and I was destined to end up in Chicago to finish whatever that short life in Justice was supposed to be about.