I don’t event know what to say anymore. I can’t post on my Facebook or twitter how I’m feeling and I definitely can’t talk to any of my friends or family members about my brilliant idea to end it all. Ironically, one of my jobs is suicide prevention- and here I am the preventer and I’m so far gone. I fight with myself constantly to STAY alive, because I have children, and I will miss them and I know at least three of the four I have will miss me- but today I just give up. The first thing people ask is do you have […]
I’m bored with everything. I’ve snowboarded from helicopters, climbed many mountains, traveled and been to many places, and work as a molecular biologist. I should not feel the way I do. This should make me a fun and loving person, but instead I always feel empty and alone. I get a lot of attention from women, but nothing ever comes from it because I hate myself and the sadness pours from me. I can’t live like this. Happiness teases me and runs away. Nobody, not even joy wants to have anything to do with me.
I started taking drugs again to spice things up. 30 hits […]
Mindless pointless contemplation has brought me to the sudden realization that existence alone is meaningless. It lacks purpose. To merely exist gives you no meaning, no purpose, no rights. All is for nothing. And just to clarify I’m not saying life in itself is meaningless or purposeless. As being humans the believed higher evolved species we our self give our life meaning and purpose. To merely be born doesn’t give us that. All we have achieved at that point is the chance to live. As I have heard: being alive does not mean you have lived. And I believe that is true, to go about […]
I wish I could get this feeling away from me but suicide pops into my head all day. I’m 21 years old and feel like I have already lived enough. I’m drained. I sit here now typing this in my bed n don’t even have the energy to pick my head up off the pillow. And I did nothing today. Like I do everyday. But suicide seems so nice right now. Like all this stress and sadness gone in a minute. Â But what’s so hard about it is I don’t want to die. When I think about it I just think of my mom n […]
So often… i have so many thoughts i feel compelled to express, but so little energy to spend on articulating and verbalizing them. Even that first line was difficult.
But then i start doing math, and think: who would see? of those, who would listen? of those, who would understand? of those, who would care?
And even if i could share every one of my most meaningful thoughts, with, say, 100 people who would see, read, listen, understand, and care… what good would it really do?
And even if it would do a little bit of good… it wouldn’t be enough… for Me.
So, often, i have all these […]
stop cutting
that’s what needs to happen
that’s what i need to do.
but the problem isn’t knowing that
i know it all right
i know perfectly fine that’s what i have to do
it’s just i’m not strong
never have been strong.
i’m not strong enough to stop
because i need the pain so much
i need the anchor to the earth
so much
that i can’t give it up now.
i don’t know if i would call this an
addiction
but maybe that’s what it is.
idk.
how should i know?
why should i know?
and sometimes i just want to be
gone
wiped out of existing forever because you know my existence is
pointless anyways.
i am so […]
I wish I never came into existence. Â Now I have to do the dirty job of killing myself to end this misery.
I just wanted to share with you guys why even though I think life is pointless I still chose to live on
Why live? Is I’m going to die anyway, if there is nothing after this, if my life has only been eating disorders, social anxiety, depression, ADD… Why live if I have already given up on ever having a romantic relationship, let alone a family, because only thinking about it exhaust me… Why live if I don’t want to achieve anything?
After all, for a nihilist life is pointless, why all these people keep procreating and suffering? Why not just give up on existence?
What’s the point […]
I’m not sure which is worse…
The agonizing requirements of interacting with those who don’t understand…
Or the “dead spots” when there is no one available, with whom to interact.
I honestly believe that if i could just make enough money…
If i could establish some sort of reliable method of generating income…
If i could “fix” just enough of my problems that i could have my own sustainable existence…
Maybe then i’d be content to tolerate the rest of the misery, and able to focus on sharing complex ideas in ways that those who could find them useful, would be able to understand.
And so i frame my problem thusly, and […]
Carry me home or just carry me away
Away from the horrors my own have seen
Carry me so far away my demons loose my track
The sea mends the shore’s broken sand
Just as you healed the wounds I caused with my hands
But now the memories seem like fog in the distance
Vague in my memory and my existence
But tell me my love? Does your mind ever tempt you?
Tempt to you go backwards?
To push rewind regardless of how much fast forward is screaming your name?
To listen to the lullabies of hushed sleep we shared?
Or to the beat of my heart that you’ve claimed?
Tell me dear, does the wind whisper […]
What if I didn’t exist? Would the world be a better place? Or would it feel any less different. I ache with pain that no one seems to understand. I speak softly but people listen loudly. I do not want this for myself but it seems I cannot shake it. I cannot shake the demons off. I am lost and in search of an imaginary peace. What people don’t realize is that I am not as strong as I seem. I used to be, at least I used to portray it better. I am now weak, the weak never prosper. I sought help from a […]
Today, I explained my non-intervention policy to one of the people I tentatively (for lack of a better term) call a friend. (Being more concerned with what they perceive as my interests than the interests themselves, I don’t think they can be termed “allies” precisely. So I use the word “friend” rather loosely, although I suppose it would be more accurate to say “one of those people I hang about constantly whom I happen to know”.) I interfere (interact, I suppose) with people as little as possible and would appreciate if they showed the same consideration to me.
She confronted me with the question: What if […]
My name was……
I do not know who I am now, but can recall who I used to be. I am a male, but I am not a man. A man is strong, and can provide for his family. A man is never wrong.
He was weak. He did not earn what a family requires, and he made mistakes.
His past haunts me. I try so hard to move on yet at every turn his past clings to me and drags me back. The morass of his existence clings, and burdens. It swallows the light. It kills my soul. A stationary death.
Like an acid or virus […]
I have been on a journey now for a few years. A journey of self-discovery is the way I like to think of it now. I began on my path through tragedy. My initial methods for dealing with this were vast; anger, denial, suppression – the usual, I think. It was only after a second life-altering event that I began to heal properly. Again, not right away. I was led into a darker existence, but I believe it has led me through to a better place now. I gave up on trying to ignore the immensely negative thoughts I had been having all along. I […]
I legitimately want to die.
I can’t tell anyone.
They say I’m a good person. That may be true. But I feel like dead weight. I really do not want to talk myself out of this.
I hate the idea of not being able to make a truly positive impact in someone’s life. It feels like the people closest to me find me intolerable.
I feel intolerable. For thinking this at all, I feel it is all the more reason to stop monologuing and go through with it.
I’ve killed myself so many times in my mind.
I don’t know who I am.
Blame it […]
I have moments when I’m sobbing on the ground, unable to think of anything besides suicide. There is something so comforting about being able to take away your own life, your own existence. I’ll lay there and cry because no one should hate themself the way I do, no one should be comforted by the thought of death. I am though, we are. That’s something no one knows about me, I’d probably be one of the last people anyone would pin the label suicidal to, I’m always smiling, laughing, and helping others. There is a reason why I haven’t followed through with my plans though, […]
I want to die soon. I was born with Cerebral Palsy and suffered all the usual torment from other kids when I was growing up. I struggled to get a job but never gave up. I managed to live a fairly “normal” life. Girls were happy to ride in my boat or on my bike or get a lift in my car – but date? Never! I finally found a desperate woman and married, had two kids who she abused (along with abusing me) and eventually I left her. I had a good job, had respect, self-esteem and was happy to start again. Now at […]
This is kind of long….
The longer I sit here the more I think about not posting this, returning to my dark corner of existence, but posting will relieve some of this pressure… I hope. I don’t know why I chose now to share my story, but then again maybe I do. For my degree I have to take a mandatory counseling class, and to pass the class we were made to stand in front of the entire class and tell about how screwed up our lives had been. Loss. Heartbreak. Rape. Molestation. Abuse. Suicide. We heard it all. Having to go through my own personal […]
Man, I don’t even know what I feel right now. I just feel so numb, so lost, so indifferent. I think indifference is even more unbearable than anger or sadness. I just want to feel again. I want things to matter. But nothing ever does. I just want the nothingness that is my existence to end. I need rest. I’m so very tired.
I’ve lived more than half my life, only to realize I haven’t lived at all. I’ve existed, for what purpose I don’t know. Life’s amusement I suppose. I always picture those old movies where the gods are standing idly by over some sort of cauldron as the human race slowly imploads. Only I see myself a puppet guided by the slightest of hand, made to teeter with one foot firmly on solid ground and the other dangling into the abyss of the unknown. Funny thing is I don’t believe in god or the like. I do however believe in kharma and the ability of a […]