I have finally found meaning in life – albeit a small and obscure pursuit. I understand now that my voice, as deeply cynical as it is, deserves to be heard. Perhaps, needs to be heard. When I speak the way I do, it is because it comes from a place that is dark yes, but crude and unadulterated. It is the simple, unprocessed thoughts that run through my head on an hourly basis. They stem from a gloom that has settled over my life like a dense and poisonous fog. And yet, the skies have cleared in many ways – I see things and people […]
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finally
I was temporarily away. Everything came to be too much, leaving me bedridden for a few days. I slept so much that my bed began to stink and my body began to rot, in a sense.
I really didn’t want to return. I had left behind a huge mess, thinking that I was finally going to exit for good and consequently avoid it.
But, unfortunately, I’m still here. My method was poorly carried out that Wednesday morning.
So, fine. Physically, I’m here. I’m present. On this planet, I have mass.
Spiritually, though, I’m gone. I’m away. I’m not “beyond”, but I am absent.
When I came back the next week, […]
Been trying to end it. all night. By using a scarf tied tightly around my neck and trying to sleep or just laying in bed, To suffocate, go unconscious, then finally death. Does anyone think this will work eventually? If I can make it tight enough. I can feel all the blood rushing to my head and it gets hard to breath, but I somehow get thru it. Any other simple ways to suffocate self to death. So desperate for an answer need to die tonight
I have had a horrible day. I’m laying in bed with my method beside me. Today a guy sent me a message asking for nudes. When I wouldn’t send I was sent a message saying “alright fatty, whatever you need Jesus”. People are so cruel and I can barley keep my head above water on a good day and on a bad day I want it to end and tonight I am trying to list every reason I shouldn’t end it. I will never just be a good enough person for anyone.
I’ve finally made an account on here. I don’t know where this will take me but it’s a relief that I’m not the only one thinking/feeling this particular way about life. I should be grateful that I live in one of the “best” first world countries in a middle class family with shelter, food, water, and many opportunities in life, but that’s not the case. I’ve been clinically depressed for 4 years now which has made my life a living hell. It’s almost as if a switch was flipped, one day I was really happy and the next day everything took a turn for the […]
Sorry for writing again.
I just gotta know when will the tears stop running down my face whenever i am alone.
I just gotta know when will i finally find peace
I just gotta know when will i accept that things…for me will never get better
I just gotta know when will i get the same love i give out
I just gotta know when does mg pain end
I just gotta know how many times i am have to get on my knees begging for your help
I just gotta know how many pills should i take the next time
I just gotta […]
I thought I was done with this site. Here i am though and its truly been a while. I don’t know what to do. I tried to kill myself when i was at home with my parents i thought that i would move back with my gf and shit would get better. That i could finally be happy and have a family of my own filled with the love i always wanted but since i got here its been nothing but abuse and disrespect. There’s no love anymore and that sucks but i need to stop being stupid and face death like who wants to […]
Jus want to have like a last will . So when I finally die I can have something behind
I may have finally figured everything out. Im at a point where i cant get better. I just need to stay where I am in this state in which I need to be alone and rot. My Parents sometimes care and throw me away especially my father. But, They care more about my drug addict brother. They treat him more better than me. He curses them out and threatens them yet they keep letting him in the house. He is fucking 21 for christs sake! Im leaving to the Marine Corps. on janurary 11 and Im ready for the day to come. Im Obviously too […]
so my father told he should never been with my mum and she’s ugly and she was a mistake in his life
idk why he told me that !! and he told me that he hate us and should’ve gone long time ago..
idk how i was counting on him a lot of things even my college and stuff ..
and now i’ve left with nothing.. and i finally knew he doesn’t even care and want me to be failure and sad
I can’t even take a breath without feeling this pain in my heart ..
this life is too long i can’t keep living with […]
…is all I feel now. Which is ironic really seeing as its pretty much “feeling’ nothing at all.
I Have been depressed for many years, and suicidal through periods of this time. However I now feel so close its almost like I’m not even in control anymore.
I was in a car accident last week (not a deliberate action might I add..) but all I could think of when I moved my car to a safer place by the side of the road was “I wish I’d died”. There had been an accident right before ours so there were ambulance and police there already who saw the […]
So, I’ve been planning on my exit for months via charcoal. Did 3 dry runs and thought I had it down. Finally decided to do it Wednesday night and while laying there, I really thought I was on my way. Put the grill in my room around 7pm, measured the co level and it was up to at least 999 (As high as the meter will read) but figured it would continue to climb. At 1am, I wake up, mainly because I had to “poop” and as I got out of bed, I was stumbling and confused. I was disappointed that I failed and wonder […]
It’s been almost a year since I last made a post on here, and, in all honesty, it’s because I’ve been gradually getting worse. I thought time away from any sort of socialisation would better improve my mental health. Well, that backfired entirely. For the past few months I’ve rarely gone online, with the exception of college research, and it’s just given me more time to dwell on everything.
The voices are worse, I hear them all day, everyday now. No, they’re not voices at all. They’re Angels. I know that now, they’d finally said. The Angels are deafening. I used to have some breaks between […]
its inevitable but ill keep pushing it off for one more day. one more day because i want a reason to stay; one more day because i want a better reason to go?
mostly I am gone already I just have to make sure everyone else will be okay. it just keeps replaying over and over in my head how people will react and im mad at myself for doing that to them. i just wish there was a way i could make everyone understand and they would let me go. just stop trying to fix me because im not broken im just wrong. if only […]
I got everything in the mail finally. About 10 mins ago I used an extra shoe string to bend the nozzle on the helium tank so it remains open and provides a constant flow.
I had to purchase a couple of small plumbing fixtures to create an adapter to fit the hose on the tank. But I’ve got an airtight seal so there’s no leakage.
Ive already learned how to put on the mask and got it fitted just right.
So I’m ready to go. Now the next time I get sick. Instead of laying here in agony for 3 days, I’m OUT!!!
Special thanks to whoever posted the […]
I use my Instagram account for posting all my poems, quotes, and writings. And so in my post today, I asked whether I should publish the book I’m working on, then this account who had the same theme commented for me to do it and she just started to compliment all my works and I thanked her. Then, she asked me if I wanted to be her internet friend, and I couldn’t be more ecstatic, I’ve finally gained something out of a loss. We just started to share things about ourselves till’ we wrote each other poems about meeting each other. Then she asked me […]
Unlike the human race who keeps trying to stay alive, I try to die every day. I’ve become so close, I have no fear of anything anymore. I cut more more each day, and take more xanax each day and if I bled to death or did not wake up it would be ok, I’m just not afraid anymore. That’s how I know that I’m finally at the End. Each day to stay alive is a new struggle and I’m tired of this fight, I don’t even want fight anymore so I’m thinking today is the day. Anna
I am so weary. I cannot stop thinking about death. The thought of smiling scares the hell out of me. I lack enthusiasm to make moves or find a job. I am fucking useless piece of shit. I cry uncontrollably and can do virtually nothing meaningful with my life. My friend beat her depression and anxiety. She’s always been there for me but it looks like she’s getting a little distant because my depression is chronic… just when I thought I was gonna turn my life around.
I radiate negativity and sadness and well, that’s not something normal people or those that have finally decided to take charge […]
Sarah, that person I met in the psyche ward, finally added me to her Facebook. I didn’t say anything to her but figured I’d say hi after I woke up from a nap. Well I woke up about an hour ago, and I had a strong feeling that she took me off her list….guess what? SHE FUCKING DIDWTF! I refuse to attempt to contact anyone from that dumbass psyche ward again. It’s better just to move on. I was the only truly intelligent one there anyway.
i don’t know if things are slowly getting better, or gearing up to get worse and this is just the calm before the storm. in any case, between my last entry nearly two months ago and today, not much has happened, except for 2 things: my dad has stopped abusing my mom while drunk (for the most part), and my suicidal thoughts have finally calmed the fuck down (at least for now). i still am living the shut-in life of an obese, unemployed 18-year-old (soon to be 19). but i’m looking to change that also, starting with a diet and exercise plan (which i am […]