its inevitable but ill keep pushing it off for one more day. one more day because i want a reason to stay; one more day because i want a better reason to go?
mostly I am gone already I just have to make sure everyone else will be okay. it just keeps replaying over and over in my head how people will react and im mad at myself for doing that to them. i just wish there was a way i could make everyone understand and they would let me go. just stop trying to fix me because im not broken im just wrong. if only i could tell everyone my plans and then they wouldnt be left heartbroken. i am not sorry for my choice but i am sorry for what it will cause. its what i want cant it be what you want to?
i went home today and said my goodbyes. i tried to keep it casual, nothing obvious but it still sucks you know. knowing ill be in peace and theyre still here. i just hope they remember how love is fragile but it conquers all. when did i stop loving?
youre the trickiest of all because i love you so. you know i want to say that i havent given up but i would be lying to myself. maybe not though, maybe this isnt giving up but giving in and letting myself finally relax. i dont think there is anything here for me and im sure i can stay longer to make sure but im not going to so that makes me a terrible person. idk where im going with this and i wish i was better at this. ha i wish i was better at writing a suicide note. who wishes that? god damn im the worst kind of me. at least ill be safe with you soon.
if anyone sees this just know i was thinking of all of you when it happened and it felt perfect. it felt great knowing how much all of your love has touched me. and thats all i think about it is how much love i was blessed to encounter. im following my sun; follow yours for me?
4 comments
Just like you, I hold on for the people I love because honestly there’s nothing much left for me at this point. Sometimes I wish they’d just leave me alone so I could die in peace, but I would never give up on the people I love, even if I’m too exhausted to keep living for myself.
And well, I totally wish I was better at writing suicide notes too … I’m such a perfectionist that years ago I decided that I wouldn’t try to write notes anymore; I was never pleased with what I could write, it never seemed good enough, I decided to leave in silence.
The sun always represents happiness, good things and positivity… I hope you can find all these things in life.
Love and light.
Something I realized today is even though we might only live right now for other people, if we hold on to that one day it can transpire within ourselves. And, that love we have for others can be multiplied because of it.
I decided that if I’m writing a suicide note it’s to leave behind, and if I’m still caring about how I leave others then it’s not time to go.
Pc and Love:)
I will most definately follow my sun for you, love. I hope you are able to continue to follow yours, even if only for a while 🙂
Thanks so much, one of my favorite quotes from a beatles song!