Sometimes music is the only thing that calms me down. I played and recorded every sound on this track except the drums…I know there is a lot to do on it, but it feels good to actually be creative. I miss that. I don’t usually play a whole lot with distortion, but today, it felt right.
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Distortion.m4a
I don’t know how I do it. I think I’m different from a lot of people on here. I’m mostly happy. I have a house and truck and a cat and a business. And a wife. She means more to me than anything has ever meant to me. We’re so good together, the perfect team. Except we fight. A lot. When I get passionate about something I really dig in my heels and so does she so we clash. I have a temper, a bad one. I’ve been blowing up at people when they push me as long as I can remember. I work on […]
The only good people are dead people!!!
I am a coward. I am weak. I am a dick. I am an asshole. I am a nobody. I am a wanna be. I am a disappointment. I am hopeless. I am useless. I am alone. I am not worthy of this life. I am nothing. I am just a person who tries to do good and become better and no one even notices it. Nobody cares and nobody has cared. I don’t belong. And lastly, I am going to commit suicide soon. I know I keep saying this but each post I make signifies how close I am to commiting suicide.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2BCI4twcXg
I am the ugly duckling. I seem to always be the odd one out. My mother never seems to approve of the friends I do make and what ever choices I do make are “Stupid” and not “Rational” because I am a teenager. I think that it is okay to make the decisions that I learn lessons from. I am safe and I don’t make the decisions that are unsafe. (most of the time) I seem to be a “good girl” because I don’t do drugs or drink or what ever people define as a “teen at risk”. I don’t judge people I try to […]
I watched a video of a man killing himself today.
He was some American politician that was accused of something and the day before his trial he called a press conference and shot himself on live TV.
I should have looked away and turned it off, but I watched it over and over again.
I should have been horrified by the violence but I was amazed by how quickly it was over for him.
This can’t be a good sign.
I’m sorry if my typing is bad. I been struggling with Learning Disability and Depression (I have anger issues to some degree). I might have some other problems I’m not aware of. I lack a lot of skills especially motor skills aren’t that good, I don’t have good memory which make me forget some things real easily, and I have very little vocabulary. Now down through Memory lane…
It started when I was about maybe 5 or 6 I was in a all special needs school. Everything was a blur then. (only thing I remember was I was athletic. I didn’t learn anything.
By first grade, I […]
I’m generally not one to post about my feelings and life goings-on here, but … I don’t know. I just feel the need, for whatever reason.
I’ve been feeling so … “blah,” lately. I wouldn’t call it a serious bout of depression by any means; I guess there are just a lot of things piling up and it has me down.
This is largely due to work. The past couple of months (and few days, honestly) have not been good. My employers seem to be doing everything in their power to piss me off, for whatever reason (one I can’t figure out considering I have been there for […]
I’ll take you back to a place unseen,
Back when I was just wee lil teen,
I know this might seem hard to believe in,
But there’s a side of me ya all ain’t seein’,
Dads never home, nether is my mother
never sees nether ever since they split
growing up in a world so alone and so fragile
Way too many friends, only talked to a few of them,
The rest don’t even want anything to him,
He found a girl when he was just fourteen,
who would have thought it be all a bad dream,
Was going good dating for a solid two […]
I don’t know what to do anymore and I could use some advice or something. On January 18 my boyfriend left me. He was the only reason I had to keep going. He was my only happiness in the mess I call a life. We had been together for four months. We’re both in high school- he’s a senior and I’m a junior. He just moved here from another state and has been through a similar but far worse past. We understood each other, or I thought we did. We were good for each other. The last month we were together my medications changed. I […]
it seems lately there’s been alot of angst on this site….i think it can be theraputic for some people to take their anger out on ppl they dont know…..so here’s a few things i hate about myself, for obvious reasons;
1. i’m a fatist…i dont like really fat people, like 400lbs or over….i only weigh 95-100lbs bc my depression gives me a total lack of appetite, so i cant understand why people can let themselves go like that….i know it’s wrong of me to think this way, but i do…….
2. sometimes i lie to my family members for money to spend on things that are unhealthy […]
Sorry in advance for any spelling errors. I’m writing this on my phone.
Hey guys! How’s it been going? It’s Lucy! It’s been a long time, hasn’t it ( Holy hell it’s been since September :O )? I wonder how many of you actually remember me 😛 So I’ve got some catching up to do.
First of all the reason why I’ve been absent from this site for so long is because I’ve been going to a therapist and she tells me to remove myself from the negative influences around me. I was a bit pissed in the beginning but it made sense. I deleted […]
The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding.
Starting over.. I’ve done it again… I was doing so good but it’s back to this.. When will it end?! I try so hard to understand it all but I can’t.. Nothing makes sense.. Questions forever left with no answers ..
I’ve come a long way since I was younger. The last years of my life have been filled with travel, education, and growth. Even though it was good, I still felt like I didn’t want to stick around. I stomached it and tried to make myself happy anyway, because there were times where I was honest to god glad to be alive.
It would suck if I never stopped feeling like this though. Objectively speaking, I’m at the top of the world. I have everything that I could want and I try to dedicate time out of everyday to be grateful for it, but sometimes I […]
Last year around this time, I was admitted to the hospital for my severe depressive disorder…or whatever the fuck they called it. So I got to stay in the chamber of insanity hospital for about 5 agonizing days and missed my brother’s birthday.
I’ve been in therapy about a year now, longest I’ve ever been continually going. Along the way I got to be diagnosed with something lovingly called PTSD. That shit right there likes to tag-team with all the other emotions you got and send you into a downhill whirlwind. I would like to personally thank 3 people, no names mentioned, for disowning me, molesting […]
as i stand in the shower with you absent
i wish that all the fucking memories would wash away and go down the drain
i wish that all the pain and emotions would drain out of me
so i couldn’t feel this bittersweet emotion
my body still craves you
like you’re my fucking drug
but my mind knows that you’re so shitty
and bad for me
and i shouldn’t keep up this addiction to your love and affection
but i fucking cant because you’re the only fucking person
the only fucking person that tells me sweet nothings at 2AM when im so fucking vulnerable
you […]
I cracked a smile this week – some things are such a good distraction.
A positive thought or two, but I feel too mentally frail and tired to act.
And now I am back to my misery and despair.
Perhaps I can stay distracted until I fade away.
I work this morning, but after I come home I start my classes for the first time since 2011. Today is the first day of class. I am terrified. I know it’s only online school but it feel so huge like an entire building is falling down on me. I am excited to be going back but at the same time I can’t shake that feeling of “what if” I’m at a point in life where I can not afford to fail. I have to do this and I have to make good grades or I won’t receive my scholarship and it is so much […]
As a teen…I never did drugs, slept around or smoke on corners. I never got bad grades, lied to my parents or did anything to make my parents feel ashamed of me …yet I was disowned by my alcoholic father.
Entering my 20’s I was still dating my 1st bf I had met after finishing school… I never cheated , I never dressed inappropriately or did anything to make him insecure or over- possesive…yet the relationship became abusive…mentally, emotionally… and near the end physically.
When I fell pregnant at 21, I freaked out. It hit me that I did not want to spend the rest of […]
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