My Struggles is only going to kill me. (I’m sorry if this is long)

I’m sorry if my typing is bad. I been struggling with Learning Disability and Depression (I have anger issues to some degree). I might have some other problems I’m not aware of. I lack a lot of skills especially motor skills aren’t that good, I don’t have good memory which make me forget some things real easily, and I have very little vocabulary. Now down through Memory lane…

It started when I was about maybe 5 or 6 I was in a all special needs school. Everything was a blur then. (only thing I remember was I was athletic. I didn’t learn anything.

By first grade, I was put in a special ed class. Then through that time all the way to sixth grade, all we did was play most of the time. There was this thing. if we get our work done, we get to play. majority of the time it was doing some calog art crap. I do take one positive from this, when I was in fourth grade, they put in first and second grade math class and a science class for the last hour every week, because I was somewhat a little more skilled then most in my Spec Ed class. got out of elementary with A’s and B’s.

Then on to Jr. High still in Spec Ed, I think I had somewhat the best learning, the teachers pushed you to be great. my struggles was still there though. They had their elective classes (like art, technology, and etc) outside of Spec Ed, but I struggle a little bit in them. Got out with A’s, B’s, and C’s (I know it wasn’t that great. can’t remember).

Then High School… Oh boy… Still in Spec Ed and The Teachers seem like they didn’t care. There was few that did or at one point they started teaching us about real shit we need to know and take with us for the rest of our lives. I Struggled in High School. I had to cut my classes short by junior year, because I was working at Mcdonalds and doing 1 hour janitor work for the school at the time. our highest G.P.A. was 4.0. having up to a 3.0 wasn’t all that bad either. I failed a few electives. (thinking from the top of my head) Spanish and Technology class (the teacher just sucked…). I graduated out of high school with 2.9 G.P.A.

I remember I had an incedent in my senior year of High School where Someone on my track & field team stole my whole paycheck money I just got payed outta my wallet (never leave your wallet anywhere. lesson learned). Then I was gonna take a knife to school and someone. I didn’t care who. I was mad. my mom called the police and he took me in the mental institution to get questioned. I wasn’t there long at all. they just basically asked me if I wanted to be there and I didn’t.

Well long story short, after high school, quit my job temporary then signed up for a 2 year college. you take this test to see where you was at and everyone got done with their test quick except me. I finally got done and then I just didn’t go through with the whole register process. Just gave up because I was depress.

I had gotten enough traffic tickets to get my license suspended, then my mom send me to a mental institution. I was there for a week and that didn’t help at all one bit. she kinda wanted me to lie and add that I hear voices and other junk. they kept giving me these meds that wasn’t good for me at all. so a week passed and i’m out.

Now she want me to apply for SSI and I went through that whole process and now I’m currently on it (This when I was 19 mind you). My mom just kept telling me everything is going to be ok. it will workout fine… Then I just partied from age 19 to 21 (ended up working again about a few months later at age 19). Then I finally went to school and I did pretty good the first semester with an A in reading and B in math. only had 2 classes. then second semester I had like 4 classes. dropped one class because I was way far behind and there was a misunderstanding with the time of the class. dropped another one early (I think the class was called Phsycology) because I didn’t really understand it and my motor skill in writing was slow. so I was left with 2nd level math and 2nd level reading. I ended up dropping out because I had a lot of outside distractions, quit my job because they hardly gave me any hours, and my Struggles with Learning Disability.

I started boxing (Amateur Boxing not Pro) right before my 2nd semester and I’ve been glued to it. It’s a love and hate sport when your competing in it. now I have over 30 fights, but I never won any big tournaments and I been boxing for 5 years now. I hope to turn pro let that money help me out a bit or a lot. This activity is really the only thing that’s keeping me sain.

now I’m 27 still living with my parents with no job, because there isn’t a lot businesses hiring and I have little work experience with no college degree or nothing. I really don’t want to go back to fast-food at all. I just get too depress, but I gotta do something. the only source of income I get only on Saturday or Sunday is from one of my boxing coaches that runs his own car garage. I work for him by just mostly cleaning the place and helping him prop up some parts to screw in and stuff. I’m a bit interested in it too. He’s thinking about getting me into automotive and I’m excited and cool with it, but I feel like I’m not smart enough for school.

My Parents barely had any education. My mom dropped out of high school and my dad graduated from high school. I feel like they were part of the reason I’m at where I’m at. Yeah I love them and all, but… I don’t know. I really hate my Mom a lot. from brother graduated from college and I can’t… I hate that I didn’t get to live to my potential, I hate that I was born with half functioning brain, and I hate that I didn’t get the Proper specific help I needed throughout school.

I’m in a really Dark place AGAIN and I’m tired of this pain. I’m wondering should I kill myself or Hope… I really want to kill myself. Fuck! I wish I had a gun. I just wanna go. half of me is still wanting to change…. Where do I go from here? where do I start? Is there a school or something to help with my… circumstance?

Is there anyone out there who’s going through something similar? how did they find laughter? You can ask me almost anything too including past girlfriends and all that stuff. I’m an Atheist.