well, folks, made it one more day.went to appointments with whitecoats. they actually let me leave. i was pretty amazed. dont know what kind, if any, help they will be,but hey, a little effort is better than none right? i dont trust these people,and old bad memories are evrywhere. i would prefer a more holistic approach, as that path has proved the most successful FOR ME, the physical effects of this past crisis still abound. weak, tired, feel like i have been hit in chest with sledgehammer,cant breathe, thoughts slow and sluggish, but that nagging desire to end it has finally subsided. once again. for […]
Running fingers repetitively over scars, hyperventilating.
“No worries. Just breathe. Everything will be okay. It’s okay. Relax and breathe. You’ll be alright.”
“Find a corner. Corners are good. Yeah. Corners are good.”
“It’s okey doke. Things will be okey doke. No worries. It’ll be okay. Breathe breathe breathe. “
Even on my good days, I can’t help wondering why I’m staying alive. I don’t enjoy much, and I don’t see myself going anywhere in life. Why even try anymore?
In a couple days I will turn 21 and when I do I’ll have fresh cuts on my body. I can’t help but look back on the long list of failures In my life. Yesterday at a fast food place strangers at the table next to me were laughing at me and I heard them say “he looks like the hunch back of Notre dam” and I cut myself a lot over that. On my birthday I have to see and know there are dozens of fresh cuts and old scars.
There isn’t enough time in the world to go into depth of how much I […]
I find my post is different than most but also has an underlying similarity…. Suicide aside. I’m almost 30. I have a good job, the usual BS to deal with. I’ve travelled the world. I’ve seen amazing things and experienced one of a kind moments. I’ve laughed till I cried, I have stories that could lead to movie bestsellers…. I could list a million reasons why I shouldn’t kill myself but the hurt I carry with me is too heavy.
Like others, my childhood was not perfect. Lots of fighting, confusion and pain, but that’s not what I blame. I grew up as the youngest of […]
All my life it as always been like “Yarah why won’t you be kind” “why are you not respectful” “Yarah why aren’t you doing shit in your life” And its annoying because, i’m always helping everybody, whenever someone need something i’m there, and respect is an important thing to me i will always respect everybody, anyone and yes i’m always doing things from right to left i’m always trying to make things better and fuck just no nobody sees they’re always here to judge but won’t even see the things that i do and now i’m just sooo done, why give when you don’t receive, […]
until yesterday. Sat down to pay some bills online and what I feared was true, was. Is. I don’t have the money. Missed my first mortgage payment tonight and with a $700 oil delivery to pay for followed by a life insurance bill, electric, car insurance, then Christmas followed by it all starting over in January… I don’t see a way out of it. Even with my second part time job.
I can’t believe how badly it’s affecting me. I’m naseaus, ears are ringing, it’s a little difficult to breathe, headache.
If I up my life insurance policy by a little bit, make sure there’s no suicide […]
I try. I try to do everything. I try to keep you happy. I try to really hard to keep you from getting upset. I try to get everything done. I try to finish what I start. I try to make you happy.
I try to be a good mom. I try not to give too much advice or leeway, but it seems I just cant find the right balance.
I try to be there for you when you need someone. I try to make myself available to you for just about everything. I try to make sure your always comfortable. I try to keep […]
I have never been one to share my personal thoughts or feelings. I try to go throughout life quietly, minding my own business and not involving anyone with my personal affairs. That being said, this was difficult to publish into cyber space, among all the folks who have nothing better to do but verbally attack other human beings from behind a screen. I know that. But here I am. I have never been a “glass half full” type of person. I’m more of a “the entire lake is dried up” kind of gal. Which is why I found it strange and even checked myself for […]
A nice round bottom to spoon against.
My jeep cleaned up.
My apartment vacuumed.
I should go eat some lunch.
Then I’ll be good to go.
Every day is the same… wake up, put on the mask that hides how I feel, how I’ve always felt, and then get on with another shitty day until i get back into bed that night and can take it off.
I’m so used to being depressed now and from such a young age that if i suddenly and miraculously stopped I’m not quite sure it’d feel right. Nobody has ever known how i feel, never told any friends, nor family and definitely not a doctor. I’d never want anyone to know but the funny thing is at the same time i’ve always wished someone would […]
I need to stop listening to depressing music. Does anyone know good songs that just make you happy or smile? Let me know!
I just want to wish all SP folks a happy thanks giving
and I like to stress the HAPPY. Enjoy the day and time you might
have to spend with others.
Peace and love and good times for all of us!!
My disappointment has now boiled down to an unending hate towards everyone. I sincerely hate everyone around me, of course including me. People around seem to give me so much pseudo comfort that I’ve grown tired of it. So what if I am miserable?My brother’s friends’ girlfriend exclaimed to my brother ” Oh your poor sister!She must have been so depressed. Hasn’t passed that exam for these many years.” I don’t even know that ***** in person and she’s around giving butt hurt comments about me. This should pretty much sum up how judgmental are the people who exist in the […]
Its been approximately a year since I’ve posted .In that time I’ve had alot of time to think and reflect.I’ve discovered alot about myself.as all of.you dont know I despise myself.I hate myself.I look in the mirror everyday and hate what I see.im only ever good for hurting other people.thinking back to when everything first began for me I already knew that all thats happened to me up until now was gonna happen.you see everyone follows their own paths in life.some not always good.you decide what path,journey,what road you will walk.me?I chose this path knowing that I’d end up alone.I knew that I’d come to […]
a happy thought as soon as you wake up could potentially change the whole day, wake up and believe it will be a good day. find something about yourself you love, yes this may be hard, but try. there has to be one thing, maybe its you’re strength or perseverance just anything think of something good something that makes waking up rewarding and the day will be so much brighter. it may sound dumb and it may be challenging at first but I promise it helps, just try it. trying never hurt anyone!
why is it that whenever someone says they care or that they love me, i break out into tears. its like its so hard for me to accept it and to believe it that when someone tells me they care about me; it makes me feel so good and sad and happy because i feel like ive never been cared for. im not even sure how to describe it. i hope you guys understand what im trying to say/how i feel.
A family member and two celebrities killed themselves this year. We know Robin Williams, but another is a well-known innovator in the veterinarian world (Sophia Yin). I relate to Sophia the most.
People around me tell me that I’m amazing and can’t believe what I’m accomplishing; I’m such a good friend; I’m an amazing animal trainer. They confide in me that they are ultra depressed. One family member is in/out of a mental ward. My mother and father are now gone; my brother doesn’t keep in touch. I contacted someone who once loved me (I think?) but who always hurt me…I’m forgettable or ignorable or… Why […]
When overdosing on, say, an entire bottle of pills. Do you think dissolving the whole thing in water would be a good idea? Drink, take way more than you ought to, and…
Or just take a shit ton and fuck the water?