I had a whole long thing written here about how being an introvert sucks and having what I guess you could call social anxiety has turned me into a social pariah, but it didn’t exactly flow well because I just sort of dumped all of my thoughts onto the page, so I deleted it. Anyway, looks like I wasted another half hour and I still have a lot of homework to finish for tomorrow. Well, technically it’s now due later today. I guess I won’t be getting much, if any, sleep tonight. Life is a *****.
Tag:
Half Hour
The attacks from my own mind happen all the time:
Before I go to bed
When I do my homework
When I see my friends, all talking, no awkward scilence, looking so happy without me.
Now they have migrated to the classroom.
In biology (my class has 9 people) they happen.
I feel useless,
Pain,
Agony beyond belief.
I feel as if I am drowning, and there is no light, no better day tomorrow.
The sun won’t come out tomorrow, the pain will never leave,
I will forever be a burden.
I go to the back of the lab stations, and I curl up in […]
“What’s the most disappointing moment of your life?”
“Waking up the next day.”
“Yeah man I know what you mean could have definitely used that extra half hour of sleep this morning.”
You don’t understandÂ
My whole life I’ve been told that I was smart. Smart enough to do anything I wanted. I would be the one in the family to go the furthest and make everyone proud. Well, here I am, about to fail my first class in grad school. There’s no way out of it now, save death. The final is Monday, and I know nothing. Every time I try to study I look blankly at the slides for about a half hour, then cry for an hour, then I’m so exhausted all I want to do is take a shower and go to sleep. Everywhere I turn […]
I emailed my ex after 2 years of not talking to him at all. He answered my email and it made my day. Then I wrote back and it’s been like 12 hours and nothing… I check my email every half hour I’m going crazy waiting to hear back from him. I still love him he was my first love and till this day no one can make me feel as good as he did. I wrote to him when I was feeling real bad, he use to be the person I called when I had my dark thoughts. I want him to say he […]
Everything’s been making me cry. Â I cried though my entire math class yesterday. Â And it’s a 2 and a half hour class.
I don’t know how to do things anymore. Â It takes me forever to get things done and I feel so fucking stupid. Â I can work on a math problem for hours and still not be any closer to solving it. Â I don’t know how I’m going to pass that test on Monday.
I’m trying another mood stabilizer, but it’ll be another week or two before I’m on a full dose, and even then I don’t really expect it to do anything. Â Except the side effects, […]
I cut myself again today. New blade and everything, it’s been a while, so I guess I forgot how sharp they were, or maybe I just wasn’t fully in control. It doesn’t matter now, cause i’ve got 12 new stitches and spent the last half hour cleaning blood off the damn floor.
I know that should be disappointed in myself, because I went so long without it, but I’m not. I’m relieved because atleast now I can focus. I know in the morning I am going to be all out pissed at myself, but right now I just don’t care. Because this is the best I […]
I fucking hate my job. i hate it with a passion. its part time and i dont make money from it. the people there are horrible i cant stand some of them i feel like they all talk shit behind my back. it makes my anxiety worse when i feel like this. i get in trouble for things i didnt do or “didnt do by policy” wtf? why does it have to be so friggin complicated? i get up every morning get on a bus to get there i come at least a half hour early. i clock in by myself on time, i stand […]
Apparently everything I feel is wrong. What I feel towards her is all wrong. It isn’t love that I feel towards her, but something else entirely that is unknown to me. Is it obsession? So be it. Because it is only obsession, even when she and I were in and relationship what I was feeling towards her was wrong because what I felt then is what I feel now. Only, now the added weight of missing her has been added to the mix. But, wait. I can’t miss her because what I feel is wrong. So, I don’t miss her. And if I don’t miss […]
i posted here once before… but i did a really bad job of explaining… i basically told what has happened to me, but thats not really all that needs to be said….. its just frustrating when you want to die, you are hurting so much, and the people you turn to just start blaming themselves and apologizing…. its also really stressful when you have to help the two closest people in your life go through the exact same thing as you, and see them suffer like you do. i think i die a little bit inside whenever one of them begs me to let them […]