Attacks

The attacks from my own mind happen all the time:
Before I go to bed
When I do my homework
When I see my friends, all talking, no awkward scilence, looking so happy without me.
Now they have migrated to the classroom.
In biology (my class has 9 people) they happen.

I feel useless,
Pain,
Agony beyond belief.
I feel as if I am drowning, and there is no light, no better day tomorrow.
The sun won’t come out tomorrow, the pain will never leave,
I will forever be a burden.

I go to the back of the lab stations, and I curl up in a dark corner and cry. Once a classmate came to see if I am OK, and the teacher usually checks on me.

But the others?
One will say usually after I have been absent for a half hour “Where’s Anna?”
And another replies that I’m in the back, being a stick in the mud.
They then procede to call out to me, saying I need to work.

But how can I when my mind is at war with itself, when I am doing all I can to keep my emotions in check?

Now, they joke about me all the time. Usually, it’s harmless, and I laugh along
But sometimes,
It gets to me. Sometimes they push too far, and I snap.
I see my worst nightmare: my friends turning on me.
I yell at them, and then they get all defensive, one girl yelling to calm myself.
It’s all my fault.
I mess up everyone, causing them to notice a pathetic creature like me,
Who can’t even control her own mind.