Even when I was on the brink of killing myself, when all I wanted to do was rip my skin apart and die, I never missed an assignment, or failed to sit through a two-hour-long lecture, even when I couldn’t breathe because of panic attacks. I never once missed a training session or a competition even though I could not stop coughing because of pneumonia. Even when I was burning at a high fever, I never even thought about my own health when I was staying up late to type an essay. I didn’t mind driving myself crazy wondering whether or not my essay was […]
Sorry I’m so wordy, and you probably don’t care. I guess I’m just whiny.
My timeline of friends and now I have no one..
I’ve been reminded on facebook that it’s been 20 years since high school… This is me with all the co-founders of the first nonprofit I worked with. 20 years ago to this day our nonprofit became official. (I’m the goth one all in black in front)
In the 20 years since…. I only regret not paying attention. As a kid, I firmly believed I’d be dead by age 20 so I never really took my life seriously. *sigh*
Hey folks, look to the sky, that bird floating above the clouds is the divine seagull. These graceful fliers may look unphased by the troubles of life, but wait until they touch down, and it’s a different story. When you see one on the ground they’ll usually be in tatters from having to fend off and procure food from their hostile and greedy friends. It could make anyone think they ended up that way from tumbling down in a near deadly crash. Alas, life in the dirt is rough, we get up, we fight, we stay up, we fight, every once in a while we […]
I can here with such high hopes and big dreams. I came here expecting things to go well, expecting to make it through with only a few scrapes. Little did I know those scrapes would turn into bullet holes. I’m applying for boarding school, and if I don’t get in, if everything isn’t perfect, it will be the end of the world. There’s no place for me to go after that. Death and failure are the same thing to me now. I’m so scared of what will happen if I fail that I can’t focus on anything else. Right now, it’s either I get in […]
I have been depressed most of my life my first suicide was drinking 1lt of disinfectant at 8 years old and countless other poisonings. But recently i have started trying antidepressants but the doses have little effect. I’ve had up to 900g of venlafaxine a day for a few days now with 4g of risperidone with it and if I feel anxious or an attack is coming I can use quetiapine and with weed I am finally feeling better. There’s no confusion, rapid heart rate, sweating nor is there a high. I feel fine til it wears off
I want to be high all the time I love pills I need them to feel normal or happy. I just want to fade away. im so tired of the pain and the acting like im okay because if I tell the truth they’ll send me away again I don’t want to go away unless its permanent.
I just returned home from a friend’s house. I had an amazing weekend, it was the first one in a while…
So, I’ll get to the point of why I’m here, because honestly if I had just only had a great weekend no offense but I wouldn’t be here- not on this site.
I walk through the door, after just having locked my car and everything and coming inside, and my sister in law is already talking about me to my brother. She seen me come inside, she knew I was there.
“She snapped at Brook” my brother asked how she knew if I did because I just […]
I have just graduated high school and in high school a few of my friends developed eating disorders and got extremely thin. I remember being worried about them and thinking what they were doing was crazy and trying to think of anything I could do to help without harming our friendship. As I got older and gained weight while some of my friends didn’t because of their disorders or over cautious dieting, I started to feel self conscious about my size and disliked my body a lot. Also with all of the media portrayal of perfectly skinny girls I felt very ashamed of my size […]
So my Nurse Practitioner prescribed me Sertraline for anxiety and depression. It has been making me feel worse! In the morning I am at school, and I am really jumpy and as one of the teachers says “wiggly” and then after lunch I’m really down, all I can think about is going home and hurting myself . Mostly I just think about getting a knife and cutting my face.
Today I feel sick, my stomach hurts and I feel like I gotta throw up. Ugh I hate these meds. First week of my Senior year of high school and my emotions are all over the place.
Has […]
Today was the last day of my teen group. All the kids for all the groups went to ZDT’S. It was fun, hanged out with my squad. Did this support group help me with my self harming and drug problem? HELL NO. We never talked about anything like that, I basically wasted every Thursday since June making friends. I became really close with the transport driver, she thinks I am a great singer and a very pretty young lady. She understands my problems and talks to me. I’m really gonna miss her.
Since today is the last day I’ll see the transport lady, we both wanted […]
I don’t come on this site often, only when I feel shitty. Please try to comment if you can so I can get as much advice as possible. I was given a load of shit when I was born and honestly, not one single thing has changed. I have a sister that has mood swings and has some form of autism, my mom wants me to be her slave, among other things. I mentioned in my last post about my mom being in a wheelchair and I don’t mind helping her, but she does nothing else for me. My dad lets me do stuff with him […]
If you give me pounds of money, the first thing I’ll do is jump from a building, high enough to break my bones. Hospitalized. Then I’ll do it again and again until the money runs out.
I dont honestly know why im writing here for everyone to see, its not the kind of person i am to seek attention from anyone and that’s not really my intent. Ive had depression for majority of my life id say ever since high school with 3 attempts on my life however since then ive for the most part repressed as much as i could. I think im writing this literally to scream out my thoughts and how im feeling in the moment now and its just this overwhelming sense of helplessness and failure.
The Irony of this post is that i ‘should’ be okay, ive […]
I think about killing myself every single day, and I don’t think it’s gonna go away. I think about where I would do it, how I would do it, and who is even worth leaving my last few words for. I just don’t think I’ll make it passed high school anymore, I will be dead by then. And the thing is, I’m okay with that.
If my friends and family woke up one day and found out that I killed myself. Would they care? I don’t feel like they would honestly.
It can’t hurt to post :). I’ve been suicidal now for a few months, and have come to accept it as where I am now rather than resist it. It has guided my decisions, I am off abroad to do wwoofing with someone that I have been in and out of relationship since I knew him. Truth is that only now that I am at my worst can I see his true beauty and see how much I love him. He loves me completely too but so much that it scares me cos I don’t feel I deserve him. He even loves me now when […]
Wanting to die but being afraid of killing yourself is literally the worse.
Is there anyone thats around my age (16) ? I feel like i can relate more to people that are in high school ;-; xc
September 2014, the quiet rural suburbs heard the screams of my partner, followed by the police and ambulance. Id followed through. I tied a slip knot made from high strength marine rope, tied it with a double hitch around the truss of the shed climbed 2 mtrs off the ground smiled at my partner and jumped off.
4 days later i awoke in a daze in icu on life support unable to move. I had broken my C1 and neurological damage was unknown. I was stabilized over the next few days and air lifted to our state capital some 350kms away to undergo further testing.
.. … […]
i’ve thought about suicide since high school. Having dark thoughts, being depressed easily. I’ve experienced being broke and worked my way up again. But still, suicidal thoughts linger on my mind. Maybe im just weak. I’ve attempted twice but failed. I just need to be strong. I know i can do this. No one can help me. Its the only way out.
1. You should not have to rip yourself into pieces in order to keep others whole; don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm
2. Even the smallest violin plays a sweeter sound than the worlds loudest explosion
3. Everything happens for a reason/everything is happening just as it should
4. Friends can break your heart too
5. Believe in yourself. You can achieve anything you set your mind to
6. Only you can decide your worth, not others ***** Don’t compromise yourself in order to impress someone else
7. Never say no to adventure or you’ll lead a very dull life
8. Remember who’s been there for you from the […]