I don’t know what to do. I am stressed out and dont think i have the energy to get through yet another day. I don’t have anyone to talk me through anything since we moved. Noone cares. I am pretty sure if I died tonight, I wouldn’t be missed. I am tired of helping everyone, And putting on a happy face when nothing is okay. I want to die right now.
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I died
On 14 May 2014, I died. This was my 9th attempt and first success. I didn’t want to come back. But, yet again, I was denied of what I wanted most of all: to be free of all the pain, suffering, bipolar/PTSD and abuse I’ve endured for over 30 years. People called me selfish. Maybe so, but when you’ve lost everything that mattered, everyone you loved, even though they didn’t love you, being abandoned, rejected, your brain fucking with you on a daily basis, and you fight every single day to get through it, death is the only way out. I’m done with shrinks, the […]
Trust.
That word alone makes me confused. It’s something you give to someone and expect them to respect it. I gave that to a couple people and a couple people abused that. Someone close to me, he abused it. What he did changed my view on him forever. He didn’t do much but it was enough to cause my body to tense up and I was paralyzed with confusion and fear.
Why did he touch me that way? Did he think I was my mother? Being intoxicated changes what you see. I don’t know really, I was practically a hold still. It scares me thinking that he […]
Only 17 years old and I have so much to say and I would never be able to remember it all to write it down at once. I don’t understand the purpose of our species, we are reckless and materialistic. The closest people to me don’t even know that I think of suicide nearly every night, I go to work and wonder if the people I work with can even sense that I hate life. I’ve been thinking about it for years, and i remember being younger and trying to hold my breath until I died underwater but obviously that doesn’t work. I’ve pondered the […]
In less than 24 hours it will be the one year anniversary of my suicide. Just typing that now the tears swell in my eyes. I’m left with multiple organ damage, some nerve damage and a dying heart valve that causes an arrhythmia. Memories that were so special are blurs and I’m but a shadow of my shadow. I meant every second of my suicide and it was the only time I’ve ever felt free. Free of pain: mentally, physically and emotionally. Free of fear, free from my past, free from the numbness and so alive that night is burned in me. The sensation was […]
I have been plagued by reality since I was still a kid…
I am a Broomhilda,in a world that loves Diana’s…
Short, broad, and dieting since I was 12.
I was a goodyear blimp at 10 and I nearly died from the pain then.
I kept thinking that things would get better.
That I could overcome biology. That if I just tried hard enough I would’t be the fat chick.
Starving myself to death on and off for decades has changed nothing.
I’m still 75 lbs over weight. Still limited by this to nothing and no one.
Still dying inside everyday.
Nothing I do changes the reality I face. The you are so pretty […]
Days like today make me recount the week that I was hospitalized and my mother was the ONLY person who visited me, aside from my fiancee, who expressed the entire time how much he didn’t want to be there and constantly found excuses to go do stuff somewhere else. I’m so lonely. I’m not sure what it is about me that just repulses people. Nobody acts like they truly want to spend time with me. Right now I’m sitting alone at my kitchen table while I watch all of my fiancee’s friends play the new Mario Kart 8. There’s nowhere for me to sit and […]
If I were to die, who would care?
I’m sure someone would care, for a few minutes, but honestly, who would really take it to heart because I meant something?
My family might care for a minute, but they would forget about me, probably within a week.
I don’t really have any friends, and I know why. I am a jerk. I am worthless and stupid and I have no purpose. So, the people who are “friends” with me are friends with me out of pity. They would probably be better off if I died.
I honestly can’t think of anyone who would […]
I am 16 and I have been in a phyce ward and i’ve been to C-Star Rehab for drug abuse. Over this past year I have grown to be more and more depressed. I would rather not talk about why because it may piss people off and the other reasons are embarrassing. One reason I don’t want to is my family of course and the other is what happens after death, if after death was purgatory then it wouldn’t matter to me because then all of lives worries would be gone. My last reason would be because I would like to know what the future […]
I had a dream once , that the gras was greener when I died
that the grass was greener On the other side.
but I came to find out that that was a lie,
the grass was burned on the other side.
Scorching hot and not remaining
My mind woke up no longer refraining.
I opened my eyes and there it was the
monster of lies, truth, and dispair.
I’m friends with that monster it’s my only hope,
I told my friends they thought it was a joke.
If your reading this now, know I’m not lying
and if I am I’m sorry Im trying.
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