I’ll start by saying: wherever there’s hope, there’s disappointment…
I don’t know why I visited the place; I hadn’t been to the park for years…Since, probably, at least it is the latest I can remember, me and my girlfriend were little love-birds humping each-other in the toilets. It looked, smelt– felt the same, indeed, so much so that one can only call it, eccentric. Maybe it is the hopefulness the memories possessed that took me there– or maybe my sheer lack of recent-by recent I mean the last 4 years- memories urged me to find comfort in memories that once promised new ones. I really […]
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So why continue the relationship? From one day to the next. Thank you for beautiful relationship, goodbye. WTF? How am I supposed to react to that? How am I supposed to breath after that? I’ve tried calling lots of therapist today in hopes of seeing someone, all of them say leave a message and they will get back to me. Thanks for nothing. I feel like I’m never going to be okay. I’m never going to get back to me. Whatever small shell of that I had in the first place. I thought I had finally gotten it right and then bam the wind is […]
im 17 i live in the state of iowa and my parents dont want me to be with my boyfriend so right now they dont know im dating him they think im going and hanging out with his sister which i am but im also spending time with him and they dont know im with him and any ways i kinda want to run away but im scared because i dont want to get found and i want to take my pets with me but i know i cant and im so confused i really want to cry why i want out of the house […]
I was born in Surrey, British Columbia on an early spring morning. My mother, being accompanied by only her parents was resting from the harsh birth just hours prior. My mother was married just weeks prior to her admittance into the hospital and with some surprise, my father entered the room with another woman. He wasn’t one to stay with the same woman for long before he’d discard the relationship to move on. The first two years were hell, I was abandoned in my crib for elongated hours with nothing more than a sippy cup of apple juice. My biological parents were incapable of […]
One thing happened. This one thing was so similar to what had happened in the past. It was horrible, shameful, embarrassing, and suddenly I felt as helpless as I has two years ago when I almost killed myself.
Two years ago after confessing to my mother that I wanted to die, I began seeing a therapist, got medicated, and slowly began to feel better. I have had two great years. I slowly distanced myself from the things that made me feel suicidal or just things I associated with bad feelings. I kept many of my relationships, but distanced the ones that had hurt me in the […]
Dear ole friend:
We were bullied together. This bonded us.
We fought with each other. This strengthened us.
We teased each other. This helped us.
Your mom killed herself. This broke us.
You won’t talk to me. This hurts me.
I wish I was your mom. Then you wouldn’t die.
But I know. You’re just like your mom. I just hope I can wait until after you die so you don’t lose two people in the same year.
I used to hate you for trying to be my friend. But you finally made it.
I’m gonna miss you. Bye…
~Me
That seems to be a fairly frequent occurrence on this site in recent weeks. The vast majority of you probably have never seen my posts. The population of this board seems, with a few exceptions, to be very transitory.
In the last year and a half, I was known for being pretty positive on this site, feeling like I had made some significant progress and changes that were allowing me to turn a major corner in my battle with MDD. But, once again, I’ve run smack dab into a wall. This wall seems to be higher and thicker than before.
In just about 2.5 weeks (March 26 […]
I’m a teen female by birth. For a while I’ve been wearing guys clothing. Comfortable, confident, the whole picture. My dad’s all right with it – he’s pretty open-minded. I wish I was living with him.
My grandparents and my mother…ha, whole other story. They can’t imagine why a person with a feminine name wouldn’t want to wear flowery tops and cardigans. At Goodwill they frowned at my pile of baggy shorts and shirts. Almost told me to put the crap back, even though I was using my own money. I don’t get it – they should be happy I’m not wearing bubble-ass shorts. Sorry, I’m […]
Why do we hurt ourselves?
And I don’t mean in the physically obvious way that so many of us on here have, I mean in an emotional sense.
Why do we persist with people that deep down we know are hurting us, or will eventually hurt us? Sometimes its obvious to us that these people are bad news.
I keep asking myself this question, it’s like there’s two versions of me, the rational side that only manifests for a few seconds every hour, and then the crazy version that is in the drivers seat most of the day.
The rational me will be sat there going, “Don’t speak to […]
So, a year ago I had a laser treatment on my face which left scars. They’re not getting any better. And so many things have gone wrong since then. I wish I hadn’t done it. I thought I was getting over this, but in the past week I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot.
Yesterday I walked home and I wished there would be some madman waiting for me and throwing an axe through my chest. Then I stayed up all night browsing humor sites just to keep myself preoccupied. When I finally went to sleep near morning, the only thing that calmed me was the […]
It’s wonderful to be a little pawn in the chess game called divorce. I’m being fought over by both sides. I can only keep my sanity when I’m living with my dad. I’m an emotional crutch for my mother, a dress-up doll for my grandmother.
My dad is trying to make the divorce as smooth as can be. Basically, my mother’s side has to also be happy. And they want me. So he must surrender me in the process. I’m screwed. I have no fucking choice in the matter. I have to watch my four year old brother while doing online school work, wasting away in […]
I am constantly berated by people for my [previously] unexplainable hatred for children. Everything about them annoyed me to my core. They are whiny, immature, uncivilized, and rude. I hate the very nature of children. Go ahead and share your disapproval of my opinions of kids, it’s not like I’m used to being called every name in the book.
Today, I had a remarkable realization. I never had a childhood. I was constantly expected to act like an adult no matter what age I was. I remember a particular time where I was very ill. I was bedridden and I was complaining to my mother about […]
Every time I look in the mirror another piece of me is gone.
Today it was my left ear.
But that’s okay, it had started to fade yesterday afternoon.
The more of me that fades away, the more my soul is becoming visible.
Like a little egg of pure white light, it’s hatching.
What colour is your soul?
I lye in bed and stare up at the ceiling as the weight of every mistake I’ve ever made comes to rest on my chest. Right now, I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m drowning. I miss people that I should just forget. I forget the people that I should have clung to. My heart breaks as I think about all of the things I’ve let go of simply because I thought I could do better. Now I’m here in the grave that I’ve slowly managed to dig for myself because I traded people off until I had No one. I gave things away until […]
Because with a word she could ruin me. Her influence is stronger than anything the pharmacy magician can conjure. You ask her a question and you hope her tongue will be like silk and not slit your throat. You feel her everywhere, she is your savior and can be your death. You read her lips, her smile, her stance they are all telling you to go away. You are distorted and hope that you can hide somewhere in her mind – you will always be looking in. You kid yourself that if she gives you any response at all that Jesus is real and love […]
There’s a lot of posts that go through here, so I expect that the people who read this post didn’t read my earlier one… I promised to say something if I somehow didn’t go through with my suicide. Well, long story short, my ex-girlfriend stopped me, and said to me that she ‘loves me’ and ‘cares’ about me deeply. I knew in the back of my mind that she had to say that whether it was true or not, and my gut told me it wasn’t. However, my heart needed to cling onto anything in that moment to help me survive. After going to the […]
I’m working on a story and though I’ve experienced dark days and depression I haven’t experienced the overwhelming darkness for weeks/months/years. How do I explain it in the story? What does it feel like? What does it look like? Smells? Sounds? Analogies? How do others perceive you?
aj@merlynsquill.com
basically my life is hopeless no matter any situation, I’m always the one in the back corner by myself. I don’t want to live, I’ve been on and off suicidal for 2 years now, not one person in my family knows I am suicidal, and that I tied a noose and put it around my neck ready to jump one night. No one knows. Even in this moment I type, I want to stab myself in the throat every waking moment.
I just wanted to tell someone finally. Get it out after so long.
My wife came and stayed with me last night. And brought one of our kids. I missed her. We lived together. Then we were separated due to her fake beatfriend/roomate giving her altimatums on me being there. Today is the fifth day we’ve been living apart. Last night went great. Of course we bickered about what has been going on and stuff sence I’ve been gone the house isn’t a home . its been turned into a frat house. She promises to have me back home soon. She promises to have me back in her arms. In our bed with our pup and our normal […]
Perhaps it was the ghostly feel of it all as I walked the streets. Perhaps it was the guy who had the sign “help I’ve disappeared”. I looked in the mirror once again. The traffic, the people, the buildings all belonged in a different dimension. I was in a dream, I was in a nightmare, I was in my life. Hello, I said but was ignored. Don’t they know I’m here, scream, you must scream. Scurry, scurry, they can’t feel you but you want their attention. Couples walk hand and hand, a man smokes a joint, another person screams at everyone and everything – she […]