It’s been a long time since I posted

That seems to be a fairly frequent occurrence on this site in recent weeks.  The vast majority of you probably have never seen my posts.  The population of this board seems, with a few exceptions, to be very transitory.

In the last year and a half, I was known for being pretty positive on this site, feeling like I had made some significant progress and changes that were allowing me to turn a major corner in my battle with MDD.  But, once again, I’ve run smack dab into a wall.  This wall seems to be higher and thicker than before.

In just about 2.5 weeks (March 26 to be exact), I will turn 60 years old.  I will be back in San Francisco for a few days around that date….really just a coincidence.  Or is it some sort of cosmic plan?  The good old Golden Gate Bridge is still there, and seems to be calling my name.  Maybe I will have the guts to just do it this time.  I’m old, I am SO tired, and my heart function continues to degrade.  Disability sucks.  There is a stigma attached to being disabled in this country that is every bit as real as the stigma of mental illness.

I really just want to sleep forever.  Mom, for whom I was companion and caregiver as she fought dementia and Alzheimer’s for the last 2.5 years of her life, will have been gone for 2 years on 4/18.  The ONLY person to have loved me unconditionally.  I miss her so much.

I know all about the bridge and what happens when you hit the water after that short fall of a few seconds.  I just have nothing in the “pro’s” column of my life.  Old, fat and ugly.  I’m just “done.”

I’ll let you know if I make it past 60…………………