It’s wonderful to be a little pawn in the chess game called divorce. I’m being fought over by both sides. I can only keep my sanity when I’m living with my dad. I’m an emotional crutch for my mother, a dress-up doll for my grandmother.
My dad is trying to make the divorce as smooth as can be. Basically, my mother’s side has to also be happy. And they want me. So he must surrender me in the process. I’m screwed. I have no fucking choice in the matter. I have to watch my four year old brother while doing online school work, wasting away in my grandma’s house while my mom’s recovering from an eating disorder. For the record, my mother’s a wonderful person, but she’s also unbearable. I’m screwed, I’m fucking screwed. I went through my last refill two days ago – I’ll need an appointment to get more Prozac. There’s a nausea in my stomach already. What the hell am I supposed to do. School’s on Monday.
I’m fucking alone. I’m a fucking doll to these people. My dad respects me and my wishes. I want to live with him. At least I’d be free and happy. I’m just a puppet for my mom, something to cry on when she’s sad and something to scream at when she’s hurting.
I’m 14 and going to go fucking insane. There’s no reason to go insane – I have a roof over my head and food. I’m just lonely.
There’s no one to talk to here. I was at my dad’s house for a week. Hung out with my brothers, old friends, swore and cried tears of joy. My grandmother promptly whisked me away. She was afraid that I’d be indoctrinated by my father.
My dad wants me to live with him. But he also wants to be divorced. Compromise? Well, to keep mom and her family happy, I must go and rot under their noses.
So I’m sitting in my grandmother’s house. My toddler brother’s watching TV. And I’ve never felt so fucking alone and fucking misused.
Sorry for the self-obsessed rant. I probably sound like a selfish ungrateful little asshole, which I am. I’m sorry. Good luck to all you troubled people. My pen sheds black tears for all you miserable lovelies.
4 comments
Nice rant. You sound like someone in a crappy situation. Nothing more than that.
You need to do what’s best for you. Go live with your dad.
They won’t let me. I have no choice. Until my mother gets out of the hospital, I’m responsible for my little brother. No one else to watch him. He’s a good kid, respects my school work (I’m on an online high school).
She’s an emotional time bomb. If I live with my dad, helping myself in the process, everyone else suffers. My mother feels rejected, and won’t even consider a divorce. My dad feels pressured, because my mother hates him for “stealing” me. The divorce thing has to go smoothly as possible, and for that to happen, I’ve got to suck it up and be a pawn.
No freedom, no friends, plenty of obligations, such as my brother.
Look, I know this sounds selfish. My mother’s hurting. I can put up with the toils of living with her, as long as she’s stable and my dad’s free. I just hate that my mother can control me, even though she, in a way, depends on me. Fucking sucks.
Only three and a half miserable years until I’m gone. And that sounds like a lonely long time.
Three and a half years seems like a long long time and it is. Perhaps you can find an activity or hobby that might occupy your time. You’re still young. I don’t know if it’s possible but you might want to go to a high school in person. You’ll have more of a social life that way.