So I was asked to paint some Disney Princesses on a ceiling tile for a children’s hospital. It’s been 4 hours and I’m no where near finished but I’m happy to have this opportunity and something to keep me busy for a day or two. It has Princesses Ariel, Tiana, Jasmine and Mulan on it and it says (or will say) “Once upon a time, there was a princess and she lived in N.R.H” N.R.H. stands for National Rehabilitation Hospital. I think it’s going to turn out pretty good ^-^
My names Jillian, i’m 15 years old, and here’s my story, i decided to share the truth.
My first school ever was Green Way Elementary, the first day of school was OK, until i started showing up at school looking all gross and ugly… It’s because when i was younger i lived with my parents, but then they split up because things weren’t working out for them, i seen them fight all the time, i stayed with my dad for a bit because my mom moved away with her girlfriend, while i was staying with my dad he liked to have friends over and drink a lot… I was trying to fall asleep but the music was to loud then one of his friends came in my room when i was trying to sleep, he closed the door and he sexually abused me… I felt really gross and disgusting after that then i was non-stop crying because i was ashamed of myself. I got taken away by C.F.S for at least a week or two, when i got back i had to stay at my aunties house, because i had no where to go… I got abused there and i had to stay in the basement all the time, when i went to school looking how i did i would have to lie about stuff and tell C.F.S i was really enjoying it there, or else… I wanted to say the truth so bad, but i was too scared of what will happen to me. Everybody just gave me dirty looks all the time. I got beat up in 2nd grade by 2 girls Joyce and Monica, then everyone thought it was funny, i was so embarrassed i didn’t go to school at all. Then i got to live with my mom, so I switched schools and I went to Sister Mac Namara, i thought maybe if i went to a different school and lived with my mom things would be better… I guess not, i had 2-3 friends max Caylin, Zuhura, and Jasmine. I don’t think any of them liked each other but we all hung out at times together during our recess times i mostly hung out with Jasmine but we would get into fights same with Zuhura also. So I always decided to hang out with Caylin, we would… There we’re these girls, Allison, Kimberly, and Lara, for some reason they have seemed to hate me and Caylin, they would pick on us all the time and name call they’d call us fat, ugly, stupid, etc. I tried hanging out with Allison and Kimberly before but they just used me to here each others gossip then they became friends and told each other everything which didn’t help at all. So then I had Caylin by my side and we stuck together through good and bad, Graduation Day came, I was excited because i thought maybe if i went to a better/different school things would be different, they we’re until 7th Grade, some girl Montana messaged me on Facebook and she wanted to fight me because someone told her i was talking shit about her, which was wrong because i barely knew her. I wasn’t to sure if people disliked me or not it seemed it though because i got dirty looks. 8th Grade, was not that bad. 9th Grade, Caylin and i got into a few arguments on Facebook which led to drama, massive drama, it felt like i was losing all my friends and they we’re sticking with her. One day there was this new guy in our class, I liked him… and so did she and other girls. I wasn’t at school for a few days, then when i came back i found out she was dating him, which got me mad because she knew i liked him but so did other girls. That began to go into a fight, the someone messaged me on Facebook and said i wouldn’t be able to get him anyways because i was too fat and he would be better off with her, which i agree because i know i am. Then me and Caylin got into more, more and more arguments i started called her nasty names and so did she. Then one day i went to school and thought everything was good it seemed like it then as me, Jericka, Sandra, and Caylin and some girl named Bridgette were in the bathroom Bridgette punched me in the face and she wanted a picture of it as well, i’m pretty sure she got one also, none of them helped me or stood up for me, but of course they claimed they never saw it happen, which i thought was total bullshit. And again more arguments with Caylin, i never really knew what for but i led it on because i was so raged. I went to my last period class and then as i was walking to the office i saw Caylin with her boyfriend Rob and 6 other girls, she confronted me in the hall i just ignored her and walked away into the office then as i was leaving the school she was there then the worlds most longest confrontation happened then at least a quarter of the school was there watching with there iPod’s/iPhone’s pulled out and she was confronting me i never said anything at the time, but ”I’m not fighting you”, then a few girls tied her hair up and got her ready to fight, i felt upset because there was nobody there to help me or to stick up for me they were all on her side, then a few people in the background kept yelling ”C’mon Caylin, just punch her already” ”throw a shot” ”hurry up and hit her”, then my teacher came he tried to stop it but it still went on, i was so embarrassed because half of the people or almost all of the people i knew were there watching it happen. The police came and everybody left and they were talking to me, i never told them anything because i was to scared too. All of those people came running around the side and waited at the other door, then the principle came too, and brought me to the office and drove me home. I went on Facebook and got a lot of new messages, they were from the people who we’re at the Confrontation, and they said things like ”Scared ***** can’t handle your shit” ”Don’t start it if you can’t finish it” ”hahaha lowlife” ”weak-ass shook ugly *****, finish it next time or don’t talk shit at all”, I started crying and cutting myself, really deep and a lot. Then everybody thought i got beat up by her… I was so embarrassed i tried to kill myself over the summer because they we’re still laughing about it, but i had failed at it… Somehow a few people found out about it and i got more messages on Facebook saying ”faaaaaaaail!!!” ”you’re so fucking stupid for trying hahha” ”wooow lol” etc. But not once did i receive a message asking if i was OK… I had failed all of my classes, this year i had to repeat Grade.9 again, second Semester i passed Social Studies but failed all the other classes and now i’m doing them again… This year when i received my report card i knew i’d be repeating Gym, Geography, English, and Science again. I’m too embarrassed to go to school next year because it will be my 3rd time taking those courses again.. I don’t ever remember passing a class in my life. I’m diagnosed with Depression, occasionally seeing my Social Worker and Therapist. Suicidal, and i have Anxieties… I still cut myself, people laugh and think i’m stupid when i mention suicide on Facebook… I’m insecure. I’m slowly losing friends for some reason, i argue with people everyday on Facebook, I used to get a message a day by some girl named Amber saying ”Kill yourself already you worthless piece of shit go die on the streets” kind of messages. I cry every night think i’m a big joke, I just don’t know what to do anymore i feel powerless and incomplete and i feel so alone… Now you know the real me, and now you know my name and my story!
Death, sadness, joy…
Doesn’t matter if it’s a sad anime called fruits baskets, or a dead person. I can’t cry, nor can I though intense happiness. The tears have dried up completely. I come about a breath away from tears, yet they never come. For some reason, I hope to be able to again.Â
My mom and step-dad are most likely getting a divorce now. I remember the day my mom took 2 hours extra to get home and my dad accused her of cheating. Then a few months later, my dad asked on one cold night. We sat on the cold front yard and he asked who would I live with if they separated. I didn’t take him seriously, so I said,” at this house with you and get to stay with my…”
I said friends…. -_-… Those friends were assholes, bullies, and only a few years later would cause me more torture and pain than ever. Those years I was able to cry. I never cried when my parents divorced. Funny thing is I started my depression around that time, but don’t accompany it as the cause of the depression.Â
Now my mom and step-dad are divorcing. I wonder if they took my sister Vanessa into consideration for who to stay with. I was too young to decide, and so was I.Â
I kept thinking about love being the meaning of life. I was looking for my charger just now and found the box of chocolates for Jasmine that I never gave her. I hope it melts and wither and disappears. Maybe tomorrow I’ll microwave it and then chuck it away.Â
Love is obsolete. My parents don’t get it. And of course… Neither do I. My love is an obsession and with that… It’s a desire to find perfection no matter what. If these intense obsessions aren’t love then… What is love? Too hard to comprehend. I’m truly considering giving up completely on it. Just be single forever, or become a heart-breaker…Â
Shhh theres fucktards nearby. Listen to them. They depress me too. I’m a fucking troll. Fuck you. I’m bored. Im depressed im tired im restless im angry im pissex im horny im a virgin. Fuck it I’m anything and everything but you.Â
Theres my fucking poem. Im tired, my mouth hurts i dont want to mas-ter-ba-te at all today. I meed a shower i dont care about spelling rght now. Fuck you. I’m so bored. I might have multi person disorder bipolar depressed horny virgin shitty tired insomnia cant distinguish reality form memory nor dreams. My cousin jasmine whom i love so dearly broke up with me before a month being together. Shes amazing. I am in love i think. Apparently theres no such thing as love as everyone on here says. And that my love is only fake. That im lying to myself. Also lucid dreams and memory reality apparently cant be indistinguishable like i dont feel that right now.Â
I have summer school. Haven’t been able to get into a habit of sleeping earlier so I’ve been tired. Drank a monster today, but still tired but also wide-awake. I’m the fastest in my class of World History. I finish my work earliest due to my full year of review in my sophomore year that I failed. I sit alone at our 20 minute breaks.Â
They (campus supervisors) try to corner us onto the quad and I get anxious. There’s a lot of fucking kids from 4 highschools being crammed together.Â
I’m attempting to keep my mind blank from those thoughts about it. My memories are hard to recognize. I thought a few of my memories were dreams and vice-versa. I’m jittery from the monster, but awake.Â
My mouth hurts pretty bad from elastic bands, tightening of my braces, and cleaning and polishing my teeth yesterday. I can’t even close my mouth correctly right now. I failed 4/6 of my classes last semester… -_-
I had a dream about Nycolle. Too bad I can’t tell if I was thinking of her or dreaming. Of course it’s not a memory. My most profound memory with her was 5ty grade when we were on a project to make ice cream. We used a plastic bag filled with ingredients for vanilla ice cream and another bag over it filled with rock salt. Helped cool it down. I loved that project. Good thing it wasn’t a dream. I forgot that wonderful memory for a year or so (or it felt like a year).Â
Jasmine finally texted back yesterday. It has been a week or 2 or 3 that she hasn’t talked to me after the break-up. Still care for her though, a lot. Hope I can kiss her for the first and last time before the end of the month when she goes back to Chicago.Â
2 minutes till the end of break. Been interested in XNXX a lot more, mostly blackmail and rape series. Don’t take that with too much thought. I’ve been thinking more aggressively, but I’m still a fucking *****. (9:37 A.M.)
Sitting here alone again. I was nervous about getting up and getting a tissue because of 6 seconds worth of attention while watching a movie even though half the people were asleep. I think I need to work on confidence quite a bit. Yet I’m able to answer questions.Â
Probably has to do with the tissue box being up front and my getting up to get it while I’m most vulnerable or something.Â
I bought a cup of noodles and a pepsi. Hopefully that’s enough nutrition for me not to black out at all. At least my mind isn’t occupied on suicide as much anymore. I’m worried about my future.
I’ve been watching youtube videos on video games like MW3, battlefield 3 and Arma 2 and a guy who was in the Marines talks about his experiences while he plays tye games and it has some interesting stuff. Pre-occupied myself with that for now.Â
Every time i write a story, I never seem to complete it and my mind wanders some more and I never put enough detail in it. I might try a Fallout 3/New Vegas style story and seems fun.Â
Suddenly I got serious and walked quickly. There was a lot of people going home. It probably panicked me. I was wondering what hypersensitivity was as I was thinking too hard and stuff. Also I got a headache in the back right corner of my head. Not sure if it was the monster causing it but it suddenly happened and went away.Â
Screw what time it is. It’s 925 pm. I failed 4/6 of my classes last semester. I’m screwed since I am doing 2 semesters of world history and I still need 10 and 11th grades of english. I want to join the Army/Marines. Anything to be in those. Get into the infantry division. I’m not too competent on all the battalions and whatnot.Â
I miss Jasmine. Wish 1 past date with her before she leaves at the end of the month. I want to kiss her wonderful lips once.Â
I might take four years of something to fall back on if I finish my “duty”. I’ve been listening to devildoggamer on YouTube since he does arma 2 gameplay. He said you need something to fall back on or else your fucked. He accidentally or mistakenly turned down a weapon instructor for the police that he reflects on. He wished he took engineering or something to fall back on. I think back too Kieran/Biscuit_of_death. The gay dude that hated the idea of debt slavery. If you remember him then I consider you an Original suicideproject poster. I consider myself one as well since there’s so many new people on there.Â
I don’t like the idea of debt slavery. I prefer doing what I love or interested in. Which currently has to do with the idea of shooting guns. Being a merc or something. Maybe acquire the skills to be able to join a PMC.Â
As for a significant other? That’s going to be a very bad road that leads to a dead end or disaster. Takes two careless people to cause a crash.Â
My depression has returned.Â
I’m cracked, very close to my breaking point. Maybe I should break already. I just need an extra push.Â
I finally got over Nycolle a few weeks ago and as I basked in the sunshine, Jasmine, my cousin, broke up with me. It would have been our 1 month anniversary….Â
I love her so much, at first, it was so unreal, and I felt so numb, now I’ve begun to become more irritable now. My brother who knew about us, he doesn’t understand I’m pissy and pisses me off a lot.Â
I try not to get angry, but it just phases me too easily. When I play video games I scream at the TV in frustration and before the news, I didn’t do that anymore.Â
I’m watching Angel Beats, an anime about a high school that leads to the afterlife. It’s depressing the fuck out of me. It has morals, religion, and the search for the meaning of life. I hate shows that talk about that, it’s the worst topic to bring up with me. “Puts me in a lousy mood…. Phonies….” Anyone know what book that’s from? Give you a hint, the name Holden Caulfield.Â
I wish I could go insane. Maybe I should eat some “bath salts”. What’s the true story about the “zombie”?Â
I wish to end it soon, too bad I need guidance no matter what. My mom doesn’t realize the reasons for my wanting to join the army. I wish to follow something I enjoy, guns and at times, the idea of shooting live targets.Â
Another reason is to help pay for college and gaining necessary skills found in the army. Last is guidance, following orders is what I can do, yet I never excel in anything since I am hardly motivated. My mom believes in the govt. brainwashing scheme for the soldiers.
Goddamn it, suicide I hope will come soon. Back to my show….
I felt numb yesterday. Now, I feel shitty, tired, and more useless than ever. I’m going to join the army, get shot or blown up and then that’s it. How will I get through high school though…Â
Sadness creeps into me, cold chills and sweat cover my body. I feel lonely, Jasmine. I love her so much, I don’t want to live without her. People said I have the symptoms of OCD. Possibly, but still, these feelings are as real as a blade cutting into me. (I ain’t a cutter)Â
Â I wish she would tell me she wants to take back breaking up with me. She said she loves me, but doesn’t feel right with incest. Marriage with her seems right. Even though I’m 17, she’s 16 and I would have waited for her.Â
I checked if 1st cousin marriage is legal, and found it is in California. If it’s allowed, then why is it wrong. I’m pretty sure everyone is connected to each other at some point. That’s why there’s only a 3% increase of children having deformity and mental conditions if it’s incest.
Why is love so hard to get. First I fall for Nycolle, with my inexperienced mind, I wrote messages to her that I was in love. She’s considered popular, I guess, and now I realize i never had a chance.
Now i fall for my cousin, and she pushes me away. She said she loves me back, she just can’t do it. Now I’m just another of her exes…Â
It hurts, my mood keeps getting worse, I was hoping to kiss her for the first time next time I would see her. I miss her embrace, I feel cold.Â
Finals are this week and mentally I’m distant. My thoughts are unorganized, so my dreams, memories, and thoughts are mixed up and complicated.Â
I just want to text her. She won’t text back. I feel horrible that this happens. I’m hoping to go paintballing Saturday, hopefully get my mind off Jasmine. That seems impossible right now…Â
I, for the first time in some time was actually happy. The stresses of life had finally been lifted enough for me to cope a little longer. I had a girlfriend, the love of my life, Jasmine. She’s my cousin, but now she broke it off today and I feel numb. My body and limbs felt weak, (similar to male orgasm where my legs feel weird, and now I’m numb. She said its weird that we’re related. But she still loves me.Â
I fell for her and I was planning on asking her to marry me in 2 years or so when she’s 18 or so. Maybe I wouldn’t join the army for her. I guess that idea is shot to hell. Again the army is the best alternative for me.Â
*Sigh* I guess we aren’t meant to be. I never got to feel our first kiss together…
I’m afraid of dwelling too far into it, but I guess I’m fine as long as I remain numbed by the sudden loss. I haven’t touched weed in 3 months, but was never a dope fiend anyways, I did it at most once a week. I would eat edibles, if I wasn’t tight on money then I would buy some more if it wasn’t the last two days of school.Â
I am thinking of moving with my mom and leaving my dad, because I can start anew, be around family I actually like, have my PS3, go to the KO gym that’s a 15 minute walk away and take kickboxing lessons and use the gym for $50 a month (better than $200 a month for karate), and the landlord is offering me a job if I move there and i need a job since money is tight.Â
I’ve been using the wi-fi at my dad’s house to read sexually explicit stories instead of porn, and read fan fiction stories of my favorite video games, and even studying permit test samples to take the test.Â
I went on my first date with Jasmine. Although it took nearly forever to get to see her (about 2 hours), I got to see her and whatever deity or unknown force decided to fuck off today.Â
Alex, her brother was there too. He understands the situation now and so does my brother, I love Jasmine and there’s nothing that will change it.Â
Even though I feel sexual thoughts for her, let me tell you that since she’s a girl, and I’m a guy, then that means… I will get sexual feelings for her? Yeah thats right.Â
But I was so nervous it took me till we were waiting to get picked up to show any affection. I told her to sit next to me and then I held her in my arms while we waited. Nothing more, I was too nervous and anxious to make any more moves.Â
I regret not going for a goodnight kiss, but I will see her soon enough especially since she left her credit card with me, since she had no pockets.Â
My only regret is not kissing her, I love her laugh too, I told her something funny but kind of dumb and she laughed. I was nervous as (older) people passed by as I was worried one of those faces I might recognize as our parents. I could still feel the warmth that she dealt on me as she leaned on me and I held her and her and I rubbing our fingers on each other’s hands. I love my cousin, absolutely. I will take it slow, until we’re comfortable together (comfortable should be spelled with an n instead of an m).Â
All in all, even though my day started horribly, it ended well.Â
I miss her now, like a drug, but better, hopefully I don’t become possessive or something. I thought i feared commitment. Jasmine I love you
I feel a deep love for Jasmine, a longing to show her I love her. I have gone past the sexual thoughts and I just want to hold her and kiss her. I was reading a sex story based on the Naruto show and how he pleased the women he seduced by treating them well. He showed them he would treat them right. I got teary eyed and my heart felt weird as I thought of Jasmine and as I think of it I get cold chills.Â
I love Jasmine so much. Is this not a feeling of love? Is this really purely a desire and lust to fuck my cousin? I never cried thinking about Nycolle and how strongly I felt for her. I only cried for her to feel the same way.Â
Can I get your opinions on the matter? Am I really obsessed, or is it love. I believe it’s love. I had panic attacks and insomnia when I broke up with her. I felt horrible, i just couldn’t think of breaking it off as the right thing to do.Â
Even she was pissed off I told her that, she thought i lied about my feelings, throwing her away like a piece of meat. I promise I’ll never treat her like that. EVER!Â
<3 She's the most wonderful girl I know. The only reason I could think of my deep longing to be with her is desperation. If anything, I'll even through away the condom I keep in my wallet in case anything ever were to happen. I'd do anything for her. I wish I had a job already so I could treat her like a princess before she's gone… I want to protect her too… Jasmine I'm in love with you. Whether it's obsession or true love, I still feel deep feelings for you…Â
One Day by Matisyahu plays suddenly as I get wifi. Nycolle likes music by Matisyahu…
I listened. I broke it off with my cousin. I couldn’t sleep at night, had many panic attacks. This is very problematic. I think I made a mistake. She probably hates me now, well at least I will get a psychiatrist sometime soon. I just texted her and she hasn’t answered, anxiety is coming back at school. Never had a public panic attack. I’m worried.Â
I think i fucked up bad, breaking up with jasmine. She’s my cousin but these intense feelings are real, as real as pain, and until they go away, then I still feel love for her. Mot just plain lust. Yeah, she fucking hates me, I can’t blame her though, I would hate me, too.Â
She told me she feels love for me back, I told her I want to make love to her and whatnot, I wanted to make her happy. And that would allow me to feel happiness. -_- … T-TÂ
I’m giving up on going for jasmine and broke it off with her. Not going to talk to her for a while. Probably going to go apeshit sometime soon with my depression. I’m worried, I’m considering myself unstable because my depression may suddenly kick itself up a notch suddenly. Bracing for it… Thanks one_day for giving me that good ole punch to the face my naive mind needed, now I might spiral out of control, and nickname thanks too and I’m sory if i snapped at you -_-
Baby sister has been crying for the past hour, every time something happens, she cries. She’s the shrieking kind of crying, makes me wanna kill that piece of shit. Too bad I have “no balls”, nor to kill myself. So i hope I’m destined to do something. I have been angry for the past 3 days, ever since my little “date” with my cousin jasmine was canceled because her mom has no money.Â
I’m incredibly angry, stepdad brings the baby into the living room so it could cry in my fucking ear as I play video games (not intentionally) and I sit here holding my emotions muttering “shut the fuck up baby” every five minutes and my stepdad can’t speak english.Â
Probably some unknown force or deity is fucking with me, telling me everything I really truly love should be ripped out of my hands. Maybe Jasmine will die soon, because GOD hates incest unless it’s for the chosen ones for it. Probably trying to tell me I don’t deserve good things.Â
I went to the fair with my mom yesterday, with that fucking baby and my lil sister and it was fairly boring. I was tired and feeling sick thanks to my idiot brother following me around while he was sick. I fucking told him to leave me one. At least I got to try out electrical stimulation therapy, got an appointment at a private session for kickboxing tomorrow and for 2 weeks. Also I got 15 all day paintballing tickets. That was a good day but the fair was a joke especially since I really wanted to take my cousin there. The only thing I looked forward to. Last fucking chance. Take her paintballing, its free, and id it fucks up then I’m done with life. Done with happiness, not meant to be, or not deserving of good things. (I bet I sound fucking spoiled getting those things yet wanting my cousin) the thing is I would take my cousin over all those, I’m in love and if that means nothing that I have strong feelings for her just because its immoral or wrong or I’m a maturing teen without a fully matured brain is the cause for making it obsolete then fuck you too.Â Going to that kickboxing class tomorrow hopefully that will help my anger subside. You know whatll piss me off more, if your a “god loves you” fanatic especially if you tell me something similar to it
My cousin is now my girlfriend. I’m going to take her to Conejo Valley Days which is the county fair over here. I can’t wait to spend that time with her.Â
I’ve begun branching out on my stories for my war genre involving my alter ego Rogue Shadow. I would give you a preview, but I have barely started with a mere 10 pages altogether. Let’s hope it’s good. I’m thinking of what website I might post it on. Hope I can get pissed off more often at my dad and continue the beginning of Rogue Shadow with the brutal murder of his parents. (Nate’s parents, rogue shadow is a creature/demon/living shadow).Â
I can’t wait to see jasmine and do things I shouldn’t do with her. She feels the same about me so it’ll be fine. No one knows who my cousin is and She’s moving back to Chicago next month. F*ck I can’t wait for tomorrow.Â
So I’m not dead. Apparently the gun show does not permit loaded weapons, it’s only staring at guns and ogling them and done. No test firing or anything… -_- So I’ll be alive.Â
I’m going to ask out my cousin Jasmine. Going to ask her if she’ll be my secret girlfriend. A term I’m using since she has feelings for me as I do for her. I’m going to ask her next time I see her, but I don’t know when that will be. She saved me from choosing death, I have a chance with her.Â
I don’t believe in God, but in this past week I thought everything was going great, until I found the underlying truth in most of them. Jasmine is the only good truth.
It’s 120 dollars per person per table at the gun show, and no loaded guns nor a shooting range.Â
I feel bad that I didn’t go with my mom to visit my aunt, whom’s baby just turned one, but I find it boring to go to a child who doesn’t fully comprehend a birthday party and have fun there. Especially since my past experiences with birthdays make me feel distant and out of place. I’m not used to birthday parties. When they sing happy birthday, I leave the room and drown out the singing.Â
Anyways, my cousin and I love each other. I don’t know whether incestuous relationships will happen, but I love her so much, don’t want her to get hurt. She’s going back to Chicago in May, probably when I GO too. Back on track for suicide after she leaves. She’s the only reason I want to live, and not spending time with her, is unbearable…Â
I’ll make use of the time we have together. I hope I can make her smile throughout the last month of seeing each other. As for my method of death? I’m not sure. Anyone ever try tying a rock to your foot and sink? Would that work? Well, Jasmine, Â I am in love with you. And I’m sorry for what I’ll do when you leave.Â
Just saying, but I never really was into poetry. I’m sorry if I say things wrong, have horrible grammar or any other mistakes as I am currently high on weed.
Now then, with that cleared up, I’d like to bring back what I might talk about right now. I am absolutely in love for my cousin and want to be with her. My friend finally hooked me up with the hubby bars I wanted as you can see. I hate the poetry on here.
Since weed is considered a truth serum (used in the 1920’s by cops on mobsters to find all the drug labs and whatever by getting them to give the info openly) then I may say somethings I would otherwise keep to myself. I told my cousin I want to kiss her and I asked for a birthday hug, as she knows I love her, and she seems open to a kiss as well.
The voices haven’t come back yet, but I still cringe at most everything that makes a sound or moves. I really don’t need to go into detail on anything because I lose the ADHD when I’m stoned as well as the depression, but it’s only alleviated. I still think about suicide, but rarely now. Wow the weed hit me hard now. Well, I just want to say I love Jasmine sooooo much. Goodnight everyone I guess.
Comment for a smile on my face, especially if you make it even the least bit humorous. 🙂
I have no happiness anymore. I have no motivation. No attention to school. No reason to live. This is my lowest point, and I can’t feel better. I just absolutely lost the will. My mind is filled with thoughts on life and a constant need to figure out the meaning of life. I guess I need to be high in order to be normal and to function. My cousin Jasmine and I haven’t seen each other in a long while. I am still in love, but love isn’t the meaning of life so there goes my will, especially since she’s my cousin so I can’t do anything with her at all other than a hug that won’t budge or spark up any relationship at all.
I ordered up 4 hubby bars from my friend and it’s been 3 weeks since I last used weed. I’m thinking of going to a friends house and risking the drug test, pissing in a bottle beforehand and hiding it and then using that piss for the drug test after hanging out at my friends house. Therefore I can get high and be social and also recover and shit.
I spend hopeless hours doing what I do best, lounging around playing video games and watching netflix. Great lifestyle, right? Except it doesn’t feel great.
Right at this moment, I’m reading cannibal sex stories, and so far, I find them horrifying and nasty, but I’m going to keep reading until I find them pleasing, probably when I start going insane. Mental torture is a possible title for what I’m doing to myself. Though, it’s pretty creepy makes my limbs weak at reading it. But don’t worry, the next time I dream of the voices will be when I go crazy. I fear them, which makes me listen. No matter how unconfortable they make me feel.
Stupid fucking iphone keeps fuckig crashing wont let me go to sp im so fucking pisssed of it just wants me to choke out and cut myself just to taste it fuck u piece shit i fuckmin hate you. Why cant i be eith jasmine fuck u. I need some fuckig weed you ****** this aint helping me i bet fucking safari is gonna crash n my iphone is gonna be completely smashed by morning fuck. Wheres my fucking hubby bars. You favgot i wanna grab a nife n test out cutting i just might witg this mugh anger inside me im so irritated and these shity ellectronics aint helping me calm the fuck down. I hate school i dont even deserve life. Jasmine and i will never be together thanks to the sinful act of incest that fucking religion doesnt believe in true love cucking ****** priests and butches.
I think I will go with hanging. The most clique way to suicde if you dont ahve access to a gun. Especially if your underage.
Also I think my cousin Alex, brother of the beautiful Jasmine, has cancer. He told me that he spit out blood recently. I’m not sure if it was for attention since i have the sense of mind that I’m a bit of a higher level in depression than him due to being two years older. Anyways I am a bit worried since it will be at least a year before he dies from untreated cancer. Lots of pain through that way but hes lucky he doesnt have to choose a method and execute it but instead wait and endure the pain while his poison slowly kills him.
Well then Im not sure about shit other than the fact that i want to die by my hand or someone elses very soon.
im crushed. im hurt. ive hit rock bottom.im screaming for help but no one cares no one is listening.
I very much hope that at least one person
in the entire world reads this,because
it would make me feel as though someone
somewhere gives one single flying fuck about me.
I did a stupid thing I put my heart out there
and ended up getting crushed
So here’s the story is:
Jasmine, her boyfriend James,and his brother Nick where having a
sleep over at jasmines house.They only invited Nick because
Jasmine thought I would come over to keep him company.
He had recently been dumped and he was a bit sad.
But I was at my dads house for the weekend.
So since Nick felt like a third wheel James asked if I would test him
so he would have someone to talk to I said sure so Jasmine gave him my number
told him I was cool and fun to talk to and we started texting.
We texted from about 3pm to 5am the next morning.
When i woke up at 11am I had a super cute good morning text.
I had recently suffered a super bad break up so I didnt really want a
boyfriend at the time.I just though of Nick as someone to talk
to while I was dying of boredom at my fathers house.
We talk for about 3 hours that day. He stoped replying at around 2pm
I went back to my house around 3pm and straight over to jasmines.
She told me they had just left back to there house
,20 minutes away. That may sound like nothing
but at the time I was 15 so that seems like hours.
I was sad because i wanted to meet both of them.
But months went on Me and James stayed buddies,
I completely forgot all about nick. Then one day I got a text saying
“Hey its Nick. Sorry i stopped texting you. I dropped my phone in water,
I just got a new one today so I asked James to give me
your number because I really like talking to you.”
We talked every second of the day for a month straight.
Then one day we were talking on the phone and we got into a playful argument
,i don’t remember what about, eventually he agrees with me
on the subject. I tell him “You don’t have to agree
I don’t own you. He responded “I know but i wouldn’t want to upset my girlfriend”
From then on we considered ourselves dating even though many people
didn’t think that it counted. I kind of agreed with people
and thought it was a little stupid but i had was convinced
that we would meet very soon. The days pass
then the weeks and before long we have been “dating”
for a month and we still hadn’t met. We had only seen each other in pictures.
Then while i was on vacation he randomly breaks up with me.
He tells me I’m very ugly and would rather just be friends
it completely crushes me. I but i try not to let it ruin my summer
I delete his number and move on. He texts me on my birthday
About 2 months after our breakup. He tells me when he said that i was
unattractive he was high on acid (LSD). He begs me to take him back
I knew it was a dumb idea but I thought we would actually
meet this time
He was so sweet in the begging. Sending me cute love letters,
writing me poetry,writing me songs,he was constantly telling me how he he couldn’t
wait to meet me because he liked me so much. We scheduled and rescheduled our
meeting so many times i lost count. He always had some stupid excuse.
then after a while we stop texting as much, he stop calling completely,
and didn’t even bother to try and make planes to meet
because it seems pointless. He gave up on us, I tryed my hardest to meet him
i would tell him my mom would drop me off go to the gym around his house
and pick me up when she was done.He would say okay then when i ask for his
address he would say i couldn’t come.
Eventually 3 months pass by and by this time i had real
strong feelings for him I thought I loved him. So I decide it was best
that we break u because I was tired of getting my hopes up
and trying so hard on a relationship that was going no where.
We didn’t talk for about a month. Then he texts me a couple days ago.
He asked why i gave up on him. I told him he gave up on us
way before I gave up on him. We end up just have a talk
like if everything never happened and we are just friends.
We have a pretty funny conversation. The next day everything gets fucked up
he asks me about us having a fun night together. I play along with it (jokingly).
Then he tells me he’s being serious. Says he will pick me up whenever I’m ready
I flip out i tell him everything that I was holding back.
I make him feel like complete and utter shit. Jasmine even tells me to let it out to be a *****
because he deserves it. So I did. And it felt damn good I told him i didn’t want to speak
to him until he grew up,learned how to actually be in a relationship,
learned how to treat a girl,and when he actually cared about me for more than just sex.
I was never going to talk to him again but today jasmine asked if I have talked to him
I say no. She told me she thinks I should apologize and put the
entire situation behind us so we can move on.I felt
completely betrayed.My best friend, who told me to tell him off,
is telling me I was harsh and I should apologize and be friends
with him, possibly even try to get him back. i feel totally alone.
I have no other close friend no one else to talk to about my issues.
So it’s either do what she says or argue with her and face complete
and utter isolation.
So I tell him I’m sorry and that it was never my intention to
hurt his feelings. He says i really did hurt him bad
but he excepts my apology. But it’s like now what?
Do i have to suck it up and be his ” friend ” because if i don’t the only real friend I have
will make me because its the ” right” thing to do?
Its not fair I don’t want to see his name on my phone I don’t want
to have to have conversations with him he seriously hurt me a lot.
if anyone actually reads this your probably thinking it’s stupid
since we never met and its not that big of a deal but to me it is
because it makes me feel like no one will ever like me because
someone who tells me they have feelings for me can’t even get in his car and drive 20 minutes
to see me.It makes me feel ugly and worthless it makes me sad and angry and it makes me want to cut
it makes me want to cut so deep that I bleed out and die. because if that’s what guys do
when they care about you then what is the point?
I’m afraid to die alone and that’s the path I’m on the friend I have don’t care about me my parents don’t care
about me, my siblings don’t care somone who says I’m there girlfriend and they love me doesn’t care
about me, no one fucking cares about me
I’m at rock bottom
I want to just kill myself