I know I’m usually a rambler so I’ll keep this brief. After ages of debating, of hoping, of begging, I’ve decided to give up. I don’t feel like there’s anything good about me, I feel as if I’ll never be loved or supported and I’ll never achieve anything that I want. I’ve spent the past 19 years trying to feel happy. Thanks for being kind to me in my brief time here. I intend to shoot myself tomorrow morning, when everyone in my family is gone. I’ll make sure no one, but a cop or medical personnel finds me, so won’t worry about that.
Tag:
kind
You’ll find a rooftop to sing from
Or find a hallway to dance
You don’t need an edge to cling from
Your heart it’s there, it’s in your hands
I know it seems like forever
I know it seem like an age
But one day this will be over,
I swear it’s not so far away
-Florence and the Machine
Sorry, that was kind of random, but I think of this when I’m really down and thought maybe they could make someone feel a little better/
I hate everything about my body. I wish I could afford all the cosmetic surgery necessary to fix it. I wish there was some kind of medical procedure available so I could remove my mind and put it in a body that isn’t hideous. I know I’m genetically inferior because everything about me is horrible. Someone told me once that I look like a certain celebrity, it was not flattering, and after I realized how ugly everyone else thinks I am I wanted to put a gun in my mouth and die.
after my one day stent in the ER, and the 5 day stent in the psyche ward, I became close to a lot of people in there. I exchanged phone numbers with about 5 people. They was like family to me. When I tried to call em, it all went directly to voicemail and I left a message but nobody returned my calls. Me and this one guy was planning on meeting up and going fishing.
My fear is – what if they just felt that fellowship on the inside, but once they got out they moved on? I heard stories about prisoners who promised to […]
Soon it’ll be our anniversary. Thirteen years of the 29 I’ve spent on this earth…When we first told each other we loved each other you said to me you couldn’t promise a future because you weren’t even sure you’d stay in town. I told you I understood. While you may have meant physical location; I meant a physical end. I’ve struggled since I was twelve with this indescribable sadness in my soul. I’ve tried to think about the future, our plans and dreams lately but I keep hitting a wall. November is inside me. It’s gnawing at me like a slow leaking faucet. I feel […]
I keep trying to tell myself that it’s alright, but it just doesn’t feel like it is. Everything is continuously getting worse, & I don’t understand why?? Like I try to get better but I’m just to the point where I don’t care if I’m better or not, you know? My grades are slipping & it’s not even half way through the first quarter. I wake up in the morning just wanting to come home & go right back to bed. It kind of really sucks, but it’s fine, I guess. Oh well. I don’t really have much to say. I just really needed to get that […]
Anyone else feel guilt knowing what you’re going to do to others? Of course most people aren’t backed into a corner like I am… but it’s hitting me a little bit here and a little bit there.
One of my bosses had a friend die yesterday. With my death coming soon, I feel bad for inevitably making her cry.
For everyone at my jobs, for letting them down, being such a disappointment and a waste of time, money, energy, training and resources. I’m sorry I can’t go on being homeless.
My kid. Yes, I have one out there who will be 17 next month. It’s her decision after […]
i’m recovering. I’m recovering from self harm, and have attempted suicide twice. I’ve been clean for a while. I’m trying so hard. Life just seems to be getting worse and worse. Everywhere I go, I feel so mad and sad and I just want to explode. I’m tired of being hurt. All these people fuck me over. I hate it so much. Is there any true people out there? I’d love to meet someone genuine. Someone who isn’t fake and someone who’s not a liar. Just a true person. I’m so tired of being hurt. I’m trying so hard at school. I’m trying to find […]
Nobody knows what kind of hell i live in! People think im happy and ok… But im not! And so long as im in this hell… I will never be ok. Im sick and tired of crying… I just want it all to stop. I cant take anymore…
Nothing will change… No matter how hard i hope… No matter what i do… Nothing changes. And i cant take this anymore!!!!!
I don’t even know what to feel anymore I’m just kind of, numb. I’m pushing everyone away from me and refusing to talk about what’s wrong when I’m asked. Day 1 almost down of no eating, day 2 almost down of another sleepless night. After going a few months without cutting I dug the blade into my thighs yesterday and again today. I layed in the bath and just bled. Like it was the most normal thing in the world, no pain just emptiness. I have an doctors appointment soon and I don’t want them seeing my thighs. I don’t feel a thing but I […]
I grew up with a father who has never been happy, has always been depressed and we as kids were always trying to find out ways to make him happy. Nothing ever did. And that hurt us as kids not knowing that it was not us making him unhappy, that that was just her state of being and there was nothing that we could do to bring him out of that funk. Eventually I know that is what killed him, you can’t live and thrive with that kind of sadness and depression in your life all of the time. There is no one who could […]
And so, maybe I should say it
I repent for today
Until for the next day
Where I’m just going to go play
And hopefully, I won’t repent in this way
It was just a bad mix with, the onion
To balance, perspicacity to thine situation
Humbling, always in discourse from within
Crumbling
Until for the next day
Where I’m just going to go play
And hopefully, I won’t have to repent in this way
…
You see, it involves of a kind of lonesome; me
Maybe more, of a solitude
Maybe, like a Weezing, wandering alone
In a room
I hope that it went okay, and that you did become
The Moon, and the Sun
I made my first post yesterday, which really helped me, I feel. I was afraid everyone was going to tell me I was stupid and didn’t belong here, but that’s not what I heard. It was kind of nice, talking to people who care, even if they are strangers. Every other time I tried to talk to someone I knew I received a reaction and response that made me want to kill myself even sooner. People here actually took the time to read and even respond to me.
I don’t care if you read my post or not, but you must have read someone’s post here. […]
So you see, I used to have this boyfriend. He was practically my savior. He was the reason I didn’t commit suicide the first time. But he was one of a kind. He took interest in what I liked, he always supported me. He never pressured me and he was fun. He not once mentioned anything passed kissing so it never got awkward between us. He legitimately cared. Then one day he tells me he has to break up with me cuz of his father. Now here’s my problem. Everything reminds me of him and I still love him and miss him. All week I’ve […]
*this poem is in a book i read its called wattpad love i wanted to share it*
The Girl and the Shark
Once upon a time, in the middle of the
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Its like nobosy care how i feel i tell them how i feel then they say the kind rhing to me because its watyhu suppose to say life is really stressin me to the point i wanna give up i try commiting suicide couple time but something always stops me from going with the process for instance today i try to put a bag ova my head so i couldnt breath but i couldnt do it i dont know what do do any more
i was reading today where Belgium gave the euthanasia green light to a healthy 24 year old woman who has been wanting to die since she was a kid. She claimed that life was just not for her. I can relate to that in so many ways. Euthanasia for the mentally ill is gaining ground in that great nation, I just wish it would gain the same kind of ground in the ole US of A.
I remember when Brittney Maynard was giving interviews about her right to die due to her terminal brain tumor. I was hoping that her message would spread to the nifty […]
Seek, sought
See not so many thought
Here in this kind of net-cafe
This poor sap on the ground
The leaf, touching the water
Absorb but I couldn’t get my power
I’m coming, to the max
From my disparity of the wax
Foster and to the commission
To the, of the, roar
Heal-me then see us
Place of incubate for the disparate
What is the blossoming of, humanistic
When I say, holy
And the now, the battle but the war
Of the zero
And it says, the snowbird fantasy
The venue of the spoke
The place of enliven
Seek, sought
From the heart and to the mind of what domestic from
Here we come with our laureate
I want to kill the fucking voices in my head, I feel suffocated
They love to torture me until I sleep.
I want to be alright, I really do but they yell at me horrible things.
“WHORE” “UGLY” “WORTHLESS” “YOU SHOULD DIE NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE” “INVISIBLE” “POINT LESS” “WASTE” “FRUSTATED” “TALENT LESS” “KEEP CUTTING, KEEP STARVING KEEP SELF HARMING YOU REALLY DESERVE IT” “YOU ARE A SUICIDE PSYCHO ***** THAT’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE”
I just want them to stop, I’m not that kind of mean person. JUST STOP.