There’s always so much talk about painless ways to go… Does anyone here fantasise about more violent deaths? I’ve always wanted to go out with a bang. I want to stare death in the face and welcome it with a smile. I want the last thing I feel to be adrenaline streaming through my veins.
I tried to kill myself last month. I had wanted to kill myself for several years now, but it wasn’t until last month that I found the intense suicidal drive to plan an almost certainly lethal attempt. It took around 15 days to go from the decision to getting to a place where I could actually do it. But when I got there, with my handgun and my suicide notes, I just couldn’t do it. I tried so hard to pull the trigger, but I wasn’t psychologically prepared to kill myself. I’d still rather be dead than alive, but I just don’t have the psychological […]
In the end I know two things that are completely and utterly true; that I do not matter, and that I am not enough. All my life I have felt completely and utterly alone, and this is partly my doing. I pushed away my friends and I isolated myself because I didn’t want them to get hurt when I inevitably killed myself; and I am finding that I am once again feeling this way. I cannot take the pain anymore, and my life will never get any better if it hasn’t even marginally improved over the last eight years. I wanted […]
I’ve been standing here for the last 20 minutes trying to get enough courage to step of the stupid chair, I want to leave so bad but I just can’t take this last step!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!
I’ve been feeling more than just a little down the last few days. I’ve always known that my MDD will come and go, regardless of the good and bad things in my life. The state of the world these days just seems to indicate there is no viable solution to the hate and killing. Why stick around and continue the vicious cycle?
This is One Blood by Terence Jay. A good representation of my attitude.
Well I’m still around. Just want to post to encourage myself and maybe others to keep trying. Im not sure If Ive gotten any better over the last 8 months. A lot of meds, counselling and quitting addictions and I’m still suicidal.
This is my first post… I’m not really sure what to say or how to begin…I’m not seeking attention or guidance per say, I only feel the need to vent.
All I know is that I cannot remember the last time I truly felt happy and content in my life. I suppose I won’t go into much detail, but I guess it started when my mom went to jail for the first time a few years back.
I struggled with my life over the next few years, and I still do. But lately I’ve just felt it hard. I don’t want to continue on with my life. […]
I had a real bad night last night. Barely got any sleep cos of these withdrawl symptoms I’m having.
I have been on Cymbalta for the past 5 years. The first doc who put me on it didnt care. So I ended up monitoring myself. I then learned from the 3rd doc I went to that I was taking well over the recommended maximum dosage-120mg I was taking 240mg most days! That was a clue that it wasnt working. So over the next 3yrs I tapered down to 60mg. Now my doc (the 8th doctor ive seen) has finally listened to me after nearly a year […]
I haven’t been able to stop the tears from rolling today. Driving out to pick up my kids I almost slammed into a semi full of fuel but didn’t and then had a second chance to pull right out in front of one doing 70mph. I’m sure that would’ve done the trick and it would have been an accident so my kids would still get the life insurance. But I hadn’t seen my babies for a week and I couldn’t leave them without one last hug and kiss goodbye. Today I confided in the guy that seems to be the root of my demons only […]
I’m broken, I have been for so long… but I really feel it more than ever. Which is strange because I should feel happy, our family dog was missing for weeks and was found safe and returned last week, I finally got a job after so long of searching that i started today, my college graduation is this week, and yet… it all feels pointless.
I feel worse than ever and I’ve felt so bad before, I’ve come so close to just trying (and succeeding) in ending […]
Hello stranger,
I do hope you’ll forgive yet another pointless eyesore distracting from your conversations. That’s all I expect most of you to read anyway, so feel free to disregard the rest of this rant.
The few times I manage to click on Publish instead of Move to Trash I question what good it did. How can I expect a perfect stranger to give two shits about what I have to say when the people I’ve know for years don’t? The truth is that I don’t. I don’t know why I continue to try.
I’ve lurked in the shadows long enough to know that there are a few […]
In the last week my amazing job has stopped being amazing. I moved stores to help this store achieve success, I was told id be stepping on toes but in time it would dissipate. Now it seems the person who feels threatened by me has put in a complaint, unsure of the nature I asked and was told I couldn’t be told and that a note would be placed in my file. I’m not allowed to face my accuser or defend myself, it doesn’t make sense. Considering I was aware when I took the position that it would be hard for the older staff member […]
Well I haven’t posted on here because I thought life was getting better but I saw I was living for others intead of myself and that I’m alone i feel all broken and weak so now I’m trying to find myself and what I want do because I have to decide which college I am going apply to by December and hopefully I survive my last year of pre med ( if I go back)
Recovery has been hard but I have been clean for almost two years , no drinking no cutting and actually eating so I’m somewhat proud of myself
In conclusion this […]
I know what your thinking , I’m so young I have a life ahead of me. I don’t. My childhood was tossed between my divided parents who hurt each other by hurting me. My stepfather hit me , my mom told me she wished I had never been born. Then when I was 15 I moved in with my dad and his wife thinking that they wanted me me because they loved me , they just wanted to stop paying child support. I was alone I had a few friends , but then he came into my life, my boyfriend I had found a reason […]
Everyone was asleep last night, so they couldn’t hear me. Easier that way. I decided I was ready to kill myself, and began to strangle myself. I started to choke silently, and blacked out soon after. I thought I was dead! That I had done it! 30 minutes later, I woke. Probably going to do it tonight again.
Tomorrow will be my last day here. I Have purchased all my supplies for the Helium bag method. Thank you all for your posts and comments. The information on this site has been very helpful. I am not terminally ill but I have ruined my life. I have hurt everything that I loved in this world. I am ready to leave so I can stop hurting those I love. I have two young children and a beautiful wife, all of which I have hurt. Good Bye
I guess I was destined to be this ugly. In my last post, I mentioned wanting to punch my mirror into a bunch of tiny pieces. Part of that has to do with how unbearably ugly I feel. In my opinion, I look like a monkey. My ex called me a trap, which is a term for Tran people who look completely believable as their desired gender. I don’t know. Others say I look cute, gorgeous, like a model, even. I just don’t see it. What do you think?
I have suffered from depression and anxiety for many years now. I usually never thought of my current situation as being that depressing though. I’m on active duty and my duty station of the last 2.5 years has been the worst, but in the last year I felt like I made the most of it.
Yet, earlier this week, I realized that I do not value life. I don’t value mine. I don’t necessarily de-value the lives of others (I’m NOT homicidal) but the idea of losing people no longer fazes me. I’m really numb to grieving at this point.
My life is not upwardly mobile. I […]
Tonight’s the night I end it. The only person I ever loved left me and won’t talk to me . I lost a baby and my friends don’t care anymore. I can’t wait to just go to sleep and never wake up. I only hope I do it quickly or that if I drink enough that the pain will be quick. I wish I could have told him I love him one last time.
Do you think it’s painful? I have come across stories of others who have chosen this methos to have appeared to have thrashed around during their last moments, making me think that this might actually be a very dreadful way to go. I can only hope that the thrashing happens after the brain loses consciousness…
Any thoughts on this? Either educated guesses or preferably factual based, but any input would be appreciated.
Much thanks in advance,
CT