It all comes full circle. Nothing really left. I am 47 have not felt this way in awhile. Lost all that was good. I am not weak. But just cant stand the thought about what is left. Things dont really change. I was not a drinker. But all i want to do is get fucked up on alcohol, pills, weed. I need relief. I have good friends play in a band, but am alone always alone.
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My life is a constant struggle for mediocrity. I feel like Sisyphus in a way. I constantly struggle to achieve anything in my life… but it never amounts to anything.
No matter how hard I try and scrabble out from under the rubble, it’s like my fingers get smacked down by a shovel, or run over by a mower… I can never dig my way out, never get free.
But at the same time, I can’t just do nothing either… if I just don’t try, I get burred down, covered more and more. Suffocating me until I have no choice but to suffocate or to lash out […]
Soldiers don’t feel
they’re just tools of war
the worth of their lives
is more bloody the gore
some battles end quick
with a shot to the head
but the horror of slaughter
never comes to an end
I can still smell the reek
of a festering wound
and feel the infection
of a friend gone too soon
I wake up at night
and feel the grip of their hand
choking me with the truth
that I killed an innocent man
I did what they said
I obeyed their command
but now by myself
I’m the devil’s best friend
the only thing left
is that medal of bones
those […]
With me, hearing comedy doesn’t make my pain go away, but it makes me feel a lot better, temporarily! This is the late great George Carlin talking about suicide:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS1o4YcWGZs
I prefer comedy than hearing all this touchy feely shit that’s popular these days! Most of it is so pretentious and phony. George Carlin was honest! George Carlin doesn’t just talk about suicide, but he brings up autoerotic asphyxia before all is said and done! Why did George Carlin have to croak when there are so very few decent people left in this world?
Lost my last friend today
No family no friends all goneeeeee
No reason to live
Im worthless friends always leave me for a reason
Fuck it alllllll
Which is not an easy thing to say, since it was about this same time last year that I was feeling the same way. My “Bete Noir” {Black Beast…it’s what I call my depressed self. I’m bipolar and my depressed self is NOT ME. This much I know to be true…} has surfaced and I’m in worse shape this year. I’ve lost my home; was fired from my job; lost everything I owned that was in storage for the past few years because I couldn’t afford the fees. Still have my old car but haven’t been able to afford insurance, so my license is probably […]
one day left. Its quite nice being so numb, i no longer think so much and no longer care about how it may affect her and everyone else. without her even being near me i can tell how hurt she is, i wish she would just let go, it would be so much easier…..people always say it’ll get better, well it never did it just got worse and even now people say it but they still don’t realise for some it never gets better, it just gets worse. I wonder whats after…..death, is it worse then this? Or better then this?
Throughout my life I’ve frequently imagined myself as various characters, versions of my persona with certain traits accentuated. Bravery. Romance. Intelligence. Strength. You name it, I dreamt it. Well, there’s no need to be anyone else anymore, so here’s the concluding paragraphs to the story of my life;
He finished typing on the laptop and slowly exhaled, he was finally done with this life. And that was okay. To his left the belt was already tied around the bedpost. It scared him to look at it, how something so ordinary was about to unravel his entire world. He pressed play on the song and left the […]
My bestfriend, she left me. It was my fault tho. Just like everything. We were so alike it was ridiculous. She liked what I liked. She had been bullied I had been bullied. We connected on so many levels. Every day she came over after school. Everyday we would sit on my roof and listen to the birds sing. We would watch the moon come up count the start and fall asleep. When it was cold we would bring pillows and blankets up to lay on. Whispers and giggles until snores. The first real friend I’ve ever had. She was the only reason, she made me better. She […]
Ten people in my world have succeeded – that double edged word – in destroying themselves. Father, cousin, nephew, friends, teacher, aunt. Two drownings, two by gunshot, two by hanging, one by jumping, three by medication/suffocation. Broken worlds left behind, but I know the abyss to well to blame any of them. Four men and a boy, five women. Ages 14 to 90. Into the dark. Never, ever far from my mind.
Why do we hurt ourselves?
And I don’t mean in the physically obvious way that so many of us on here have, I mean in an emotional sense.
Why do we persist with people that deep down we know are hurting us, or will eventually hurt us? Sometimes its obvious to us that these people are bad news.
I keep asking myself this question, it’s like there’s two versions of me, the rational side that only manifests for a few seconds every hour, and then the crazy version that is in the drivers seat most of the day.
The rational me will be sat there going, “Don’t speak to […]
I have a friend, that I consider as bestfriend. But I don’t think she thinks the same way. She’s such a popular person that everybody wanna be friend with her. We are teammates in soccer team. Yesterday she played awfully. I scolded her in front of other teammates. She cried because she played awfully, not because I scolded her. But the other teammates thought it’s because of me. Everybody thinks I am such a arrogant and bad person. She told me she didn’t cry because of me. But she never told the other teammates the reason she cried and she left me with that bad […]
I’ve always been a sad person. Recently I thought I had finally found happiness and then out of nowhere he left me. I hate feeling so petty. The man I love left me. So what. It happens every day. Yet I have never felt more sad. I feel like a turtle that is on its back and can’t turn myself back. I finally let myself be myself and he left. One day we were fine and then the next we weren’t. The wind has been knocked out of me. I wish I could understand. I wish I could breath. I wish, I wish , I […]
Every time I look in the mirror another piece of me is gone.
Today it was my left ear.
But that’s okay, it had started to fade yesterday afternoon.
The more of me that fades away, the more my soul is becoming visible.
Like a little egg of pure white light, it’s hatching.
What colour is your soul?
I always ask myself
How could this darker cloud make me stronger now.
I’ll always ask myself
When will this go away?
When will this change?
Oh! I don’t wanna, wanna wait.
All of this pain,
Oh! will it, will it go away?
I ask myself this everyday.
[Chorus:]
I just wanna leave this place behind.
Every time I see your face in mine.
I just wanna leave this place behind.
Every time I see your face in mine.
I sink and drink myself to sleep.
Of course I think I’m a lot stronger now.
I gotta catch myself
To kick this over, make it go away.
When will this change?
Oh! I don’t wanna, wanna wait.
Ohhh! of this pain!
Oh! will it, will it […]
ive lost them all pushed away all of the friends i had left
the shit thing is i couldnt stop it
i had only two choices fuck over my friends or attempt to pay for something with money i dont have
ive told them i dont want to do this and ive tried to put it off for as long as possible
they say they understand but theyre not paying
they dont realise they have less choice in this than i do
I havent been on here for almost a year, I wish i could say im a better person. The loneliness got so bad I actually decided to force myself to go to school. I lasted several monthes until I got so miserable I went back on independent study. I cant for the life of me understand why im so fucked in the head, in the time at school I actually made some friends. But of course, they slip through my fingers once I went on independent study. I did gain one thing from my time there, i met a girl. A beautiful mexican girl, we […]
They all look at me
Are they even seeing me or are they seeing what is left.
If I say no will it make a difference
No matter how many times I told him no he wouldn’t stop
Even though he hurt me I still love him
I shouldn’t
He’s my my brother.
My mother’s boyfriend hanged himself ten months ago.
I didn’t saw him, but for ten months, I’ve been having nightmares every single night. About him, or about hanging myself. I still think about him every day.
Things were really bad before he killed himself. But now, he just left a hell.
He was a good man. He was generous and kind. But he just cared to much about everything. Any small critic, any argument would drown him. Every thing that he couldn’t afford would make him anxious.
Yes, he was depressed, but no one thought that he was suicidal. And one morning… the surprise.
I try not to blame him. […]
night
a never ending night rains down
darkening all things mortal
nothing else can be seen
but farewell whispers
curling into the night
fogging the air
everything will
disappear
misappear
contorted in appearance
with little interference
nothing to turn back to
but a darkness only night can consume
consume your soul
why stop it now?
slip into the trenches
and drown in sorrow
there is nothing left to lose