So, it has been a large number of years since the first time I wanted to be dead. Gone. Not here with all of the drama and BS that i have been unable to escape since i was born. However, last night, i was for some reason given the chance to see just one small part of the insanity that has plaqued my friends and family for years. The light has been turned on! They must sit by and watch this “person” that i become, verbally bash them and make them feel like shit.
I always thougt they were lying.
Now with that light turned […]
Tag:
light
If the world is an ocean, then shall we become sharks.
The king of the jungle, the lion. A warrior, a sabre of light.
The magic sands at the end of hell. The chain that we must cut.
Faith, is everything, everything that is. Everything that is wrong and right.
The scale. The balance. Liberty and justice. Most of all, universal and eternal peace.
Raped, our goddess. Civilization, civilization, civilization. Our populous system on our “Mother Earth.”
I wonder so much, what is missing in the soul of others. The truth – And oh, how I am so alone. Sacred crucifix.
Assemble, the journey. Who will […]
Take everything in stride and try to enjoy everything for what it is. I understand it’s easier said than done. But take that risk of believing and never giving up anything that’s worth it.Things will run their course and just remember when things get bad from darkness comes light and most importantly always remain yourself never lose sight of you.
How Depression Has Changed Me for the Better…A Message of Hope
Remarkably, two years from its onset, I’m still alive; still fighting. By some odd twist of fate, I’m still here…still on this beautiful earth that once was forgotten in my mind. I’m still here to speak of the taboo disease that is depression…this stigma that is an incomprehensible sadness. The sole disease that many encounter, yet the sole disease that no one wants to admit to. The sole disease that is so easily swept under the rug. The sole disease that is too disgusting to talk about, so it’s kept to a whisper. The sole […]
Remarkably, two years from its onset, I’m still alive; still fighting. By some odd twist of fate, I’m still here…still on this beautiful earth that once was forgotten in my mind. I’m still here to speak of the taboo disease that is depression…this stigma that is an incomprehensible sadness. The sole disease that many encounter, yet the sole disease that no one wants to admit to. The sole disease that is so easily swept under the rug. The sole disease that is too disgusting to talk about, so it’s kept to a whisper. The sole disease that is too embarrassing to ask for help, so […]
How many times did the sun shine, how many times did the wind howl over the desolate tundras, over the bleak immensity of the Siberian taigas, over the brown deserts where the Earth´s salt shines, over the high peaks capped with silver, over the shivering jungles, over the undulating forests of the tropics – day after day. Through infinite time, the scenery has changed in imperceptible features. Let us smile at the illusion of eternity that appears in these things, and while so many temporary aspects fade away, let us listen to the ancient hymn, the spectacular song of the wind, that has saluted so […]
Remarkably, two years from its onset, I’m still alive; still fighting. By some odd twist of fate, I’m still here…still on this beautiful earth that once was forgotten in my mind. I’m still here to speak of the taboo disease that is depression…this stigma that is an incomprehensible sadness. The sole disease that many encounter, yet the sole disease that no one wants to admit to. The sole disease that is so easily swept under the rug. The sole disease that is too disgusting to talk about, so it’s kept to a whisper. The sole disease that is too embarrassing to ask for help, so […]
the link missing until the end. may I enter the impenetrable.
Going, across of the world. we must prepare the house for hell.
the shaman is twoyoungmen. He is a god.
the religion of the dying faith. he has long hair, and the hands of god.
I wonder how oblivion must be so beautiful. To be.
open the seventh way. you are the god, I can see.
journeying to the cold. where has the light gone.
Clark Skyward. The solstice.
The song reflects my thoughts about being sent to another dimension – afterlife. Travelling through the vastness of an endless space with nothing but honor in disguise beside me.
Even this late it happens:
the coming of love, the coming of light.
You wake and the candles are lit as if by themselves,
stars gather, dreams pour into your pillows,
sending up warm bouquets of air.
Even this late the bones of the body shine
and tomorrows dust flares into breath.
Lost all hope, lost all light.
Tired of living, lets end this fight.
I gather myself for my last stride,
I have no regrets, my sweet suicide.
She’s planned to end it when we get back from vacation. When the real world comes back into our relationship. Get back the day before my 18th birthday just a few days away now. Tonight was the first night I thought I could possibly have the courage to do it. I don’t want to hurt her more. I wish I could do it and it not hurt her at all. She’s the light in my life my sunshine. Without her my world is a very dark place. And I don’t like the dark
A switch.
That’s how I’d describe my mentality.
During the day I’m this bubbly ignorant person who brushes everything off of her shoulders. Smiling all the time. I’m not even sure if the smiles are real or polite. Anyways, that’s how I am during the day. But at night? It’s a complete flip. The opposite of my “Day” self. Like a switch. It’s as if your lights turn on and the deepest darkest corners of my mind come to light. And when the artifcial light goes out, those thoughts do too. I don’t know.
Red against white, who will win?
Silver metal, my deadly sin, some days I don’t wanna win.
Feeling high, feeling numb, lost again in this-
Eternal bliss.
But the scars that cover my wrist are so damn hard to over come.
Hearing the words they say, seeing the looks they give
Telling myself I’m not good enough.
I’m worthless, that I’m not allowed to breath-
Don’t say I’m not, don’t tell me I’ll be fine.
I don’t wanna see the light, at least not for tonight.
I wanna be dreaming of a lost happiness
Of someone loving this crazy broken person
Of not being shattered
One day I woke up, and things just weren’t quite right.
I hid from the windows and their bright shining light.
In darkness I sat there, refusing to bite,
On the food set before me, a former delight.
All senses seemed muted, though they left with a fight.
My thoughts they weighed heavy, on my mind into night.
Nightmares and dreams snares, woke me with a fright.
Went searching for meaning, but was nowhere in sight.
Nothing is sacred, this just can’t be life.
Use the ledge at the ball park, one day I […]
It’s been a long time since I posted on here, but I feel like today is a good time to do so. This post might skip and go back in an non-linear fashion, but that’s just me. A few weeks ago, I quit my job when they were giving me a warning for screwing up. The day I quit, I kind of gave up on life once again. Â When I went to my therapist, who is in my top ten people I adore and respect, I lied to him. I stated that I was okay and that I was going to go forward. I had […]
Hm. Maybe less than a week if things go well, and a warm bath with steel will be it. I finally see the light at the end. Hahaha. No one knows no one knows. Lock the door turn up the music and let the water and red run together. Bye bye guilt bye bye grief I’ve finally cracked but now I’m taking these demons down with me! No more jitters no more anxiety no more numbness no more pills no more fucked up brain no more pain in other’s eyes no more no more no more I finally get what I deserve
No more. It doesn’t […]
A week and a day ago, I has handed instructions to “walk toward the light.” I fell out of bed. I went into respiratory failure. I was eventually transported to the hospital and briefly pronounced dead. Except for the physical pain of getting myself back into bed repeatedly, the shallow panic breathing I could not control and discovering I had shat myself and lay in it most of the night I remember nothing and felt very little.
I am quite sad now that I am here today to speak of it. I am now in far more pain than ever and much weaker than before yet […]
Texting and driving. They’re not a good combo. Seeing as I was in broad daylight, wearing a visible light blue shirt, and using a crosswalk, there’s no reason for me to get run over by some idiot who thinks that she’s too awesome to put down the phone for a bit. Well, two surgeries and some awesome pain meds later, I’m here. I got lucky, only crush damage on my organs, apparently hit my spleen pretty good, but they fixed that. I know I want to die and all, but not by getting run over
I’m not really feeling like smiling right now, honestly. Â But I’ve heard that writing positive poetry makes you feel positive. Â So I’ll give it a whirl.
Here’s my smile to brighten your day
And light the dark routes along the way
Through the winding road that’s life
Filled with anger, resentment, and strife
Hard is the brick beneath our feet
Harsh are the people upon this street
Who smile with poisoned lips and grin
A friend outside, a foe within
But not all who walk this winding way
Wish to harm or lead astray
By your side I walk as well
A fellow traveler through this hell
Lifting my smile as a tiny light
I met a friend of mine about eight months ago.  Prior to that I had no real friends, no one I could talk to.  I was 27 years old with no girlfriend, no wife, no kids, no life, really.  And yes, I was kinda suicidal back then too, but only in the vaguest way.  I had the thoughts, but never took any real action.  I was just on auto-pilot, living life day-by-day.  My life consisted of going to work, coming home, playing video games (not even social multi-player ones!) and then sleeping.  The most boring, staid, ridiculously isolating life you could imagine and I hated it.  Then […]