Remarkably, two years from its onset, I’m still alive; still fighting. By some odd twist of fate, I’m still here…still on this beautiful earth that once was forgotten in my mind. I’m still here to speak of the taboo disease that is depression…this stigma that is an incomprehensible sadness. The sole disease that many encounter, yet the sole disease that no one wants to admit to. The sole disease that is so easily swept under the rug. The sole disease that is too disgusting to talk about, so it’s kept to a whisper. The sole disease that is too embarrassing to ask for help, so one just aimlessly walks through hell alone. The sole disease that ruins relationships. The sole disease that leaves a mother questioning her child. The sole disease that makes you forget how to tie your own shoes. The sole disease that blows out the light at the end of the tunnel. The sole disease that leaves a once vibrant person in the dark. The sole disease that turns the life of the party into a scared, crying child. The sole disease that erases any definition of “hope”. The sole disease that makes you forget any form of happiness. The sole disease that supposedly can never be cured…the sole disease that one can overcome and learn how to conquer.
“Why the fuck am I still here!?”, I frantically screamed into my pillow the next morning as ten empty boxes of sleeping pills lay scattered amongst my bedroom floor. How could such an easy way out fail me? How the hell am I witnessing the light of another day? And why did I leave such a short, inconsiderate note? I still ponder these questions as five months have passed. I still ask myself how, for some unknown reason, I was granted another chance…I still question why and how I was one of the fortunate ones.
Let me paint you a drastic but truthful picture…and if you have read this far, you obviously know that I’m not going to sugarcoat this message of hope and resilience. The date was January 12th, 2014 at 8:00 in the evening, and as usual I was severely depressed and secluded in my apartment. Just like the past 485 days that came before this fateful day, I was extremely confused on why I wasn’t my old, happy self. Why weren’t things getting better? I was overwhelmed with anxiety due to the lack of normalcy and lack of emotion…I was completely numb inside. I just couldn’t fathom that I lost a whole year and a half of my life because of some “unexplainable” disease, and I was terrified to lose another year and a half. As I sat in my bedroom, blankly staring out the window and wishing I could be apart of that world that was once my best friend, that world that once brought me so much excitement and joy, that world that once held such a promising future, I made the rash decision that today was going to be my final day on earth. So I slowly drug myself out of bed and put on the same clothes that I had worn for the past week. I got in my car and drove to Walmart to get “the necessary supplies”…crying the whole drive there. As I approached the cash register and placed the alarming amount of sleeping pills on the counter, the cashier looked at me confused. She asked, “Is everything okay? You look like you’ve been crying. And why do you need all these sleeping pills?”
I forced a smile and said, “Of course everything is okay. I’m just buying a lot, so I don’t have to come back to buy more.”
She reluctantly rang me up, and I was out the door. As I drove home, the realness of what was about to happen set in, but ironically I was at ease; all fear was lost. From here on, I’ll spare the details…you already know what happens.
So the next morning, as I frustratingly screamed into my pillow, I all of a sudden felt true, real emotion…I felt my first glimpse of happiness in over two years. I was so relieved that I was still alive; so relieved that I’d be able to see my friends and family again; so relieved that I wasn’t just a meaningless statistic. I instantly realized that I was blessed. So from that day forward I became proactive on getting healthy; on getting better and back to my old happy self. I’ve taken the necessary steps to educate myself on depression and learn that it’s not my fault, and that I have no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed of it. It’s just like any other disease out there; it happens to good people, and as unfair as it is, it’s inescapable. Today I am doing a lot better, and I owe it all to my friends and family. They have closely stuck by my side and have been extremely understanding and loving. I can’t thank them enough.
The funny thing about depression is that it’s somewhat of a blessing in disguise…after coming out of it, it teaches you so much about yourself and others; it truly makes you a more understanding and loving person, and best of all, it allows you to see the world in a whole new, brighter, happier light.
To anyone out there going through depression, never forget that things will get better…no matter how hopeless it can get at times. And never be ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help. Always remember that you are not alone and that you are loved.
13 comments
I liked this posting – I hope you can keep improving, too. It’s hard work – depression can eat your motivation like some kind of emotional cancer. Personally, I don’t buy into the idea that depression is a *disease* – I think it’s a normal biological process, but that’s a whole can of worms I’d rather not open. Did you try any medication to help cope with it?
Thanks for reading and leaving a comment. I’m glad you liked it.
I’m currently on Zoloft and Respirdol. They seem to be working, but sometimes, it’s still hard to tell. I think the only true way to overcome depression is to just let it run it’s evil course and be patient.
Letting it run its course, when it comes to depression, is how you take depression in as a pet and give it a bed to sleep on and some food and water so it won’t get upset. 😉 You gotta do something, but anything can be hard when you’re depressed. It might anger the evil closet-monkey, and nobody wants that. But I’m a big believer in neuroplasticity – your brain changes in response to what you do, and your environment, the people you spend time with, how resolved you are to get better, etc.. And I think there’s always hope, especially with depression and other related problems. Antidepressants are a great tool to help kickstart that process, too.
I really liked that.
I’m glad you liked it:)
I’ve done extensive outpatient therapy which seemed to help a little. What exactly is neuroplasticity?
Neuroplasticity basically means you aren’t confined to how your emotions/mind works right this moment – it changes over time, for the better or worse, depending on the direction you drive it. It doesn’t mean, “Think positive thoughts and your life will get better! Hooray magic!” lol — but it does mean if you’re striving for a better mental/emotional state, and working on getting there, you’ll eventually find your way there.
Xanadu, you’re one smart and articulate person. That is exactly what I practice. When I said you have to let it run its course, I didn’t mean that I just laid over and let it devour me…I’ve been very proactive towards bettering myself:)
@kreg77: I think I was having an ADHD moment in that last comment, lol – I don’t imagine you meant it in a negative sense at all; I was trying to play on the wording, I think. Being proactive is what it’s all about – it’s a struggle, but it’s definitely worth it, and I’m glad you decided to share your story here. 🙂
Beautiful story. We can’t born anew unless we have first become ashes. When we actually go through the whole thing to its end, only then we realize its truth. Words are so small and experience is so big.
I was on the verge of doing my act. It was scheduled at midnight. And that whole day i kept having realizations upon realizations. And i couldn’t do it. You went through the whole things and you are changed forever. I fell short and i didn’t change that much. And that’s because I wasn’t true. Everything about me is a lie. Square one is where i end up every.fucking.time. And what’s more funny than this is that i forget it too every fucking time. I start feeling like finally something true has arisen in me. I trust that feeling with my whole heart. I make theories, conclusions, plans… I spend every fucking bit of my brain to take that feeling to its end and to design a whole universe according to it. And what i get in the end? Betrayal. By myself. This is the second time i am writing such a thing on sp in my 10 month stay here. I fell for it twice in 10 months. Just see what a fool i am. Everything about me is a lie. I must be in the right state when i wrote my bio. “Nameless liar”, indeed.
I totally feel you. Trust me, I felt the exact same way for close to two years straight…it truly is the worst fucking thing in the world, but you HAVE to hang in there! This is my second time surviving severe depression, but like I said, it’s almost like a gift in disguise because when you come out of it, which you will, you’ll be such a better/smarter/more creative/open minded/kinder person. In the past 2 years I have truly grown 10 years intellectually.
Love this post. I can totally relate to how you use to feel. (I’m there now, once again) Thanks for sharing, and I’m so glad you’re doing much better. Keep it up! I hope someday to be on the brighter end of the spectrum. =)
You’ll definitely, once again, be on the brighter end of the spectrum. Just learn something new and become wiser with each depression:)