After I lost my friend, I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to, I wound up joining the wrong crowd. I was always a little bit of a drinker, I mean I liked the taste. But I got a little too tipsy one night, and I wound up sleeping with this guy whose last name I still don’t even know. I wound up getting pregnant after that, but I tragically lost the baby before I could even tell anyone, including my family. I wound up spiraling down into depression and “cutting” and I was just in a funk. As soon as I […]
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Little Bit
So, haven’t been here in a while. Partly because I felt I should try and maintain some sort of emotional distance; SP reminds me a lot of a mental landscape I know very well, but like to pretend doesn’t exist.
It might have been working. I never know until things fall down around my head.
It’s not even (not ever) anything big. Just grade averages and rankings and the stress of not knowing, because I need that scholarship but that’s not even the reason. It’s just because I care, I give everything in this course a hundred and twenty per cent and come up worse than people […]
So of course just like the rest of us on this site i’m pretty suicidal. and by pretty i mean really suicidal. so naturally when i found a girl that makes me happy it was like god had decided to let up a little bit. a few months go by and all is well until recently. things are falling apart and im freaking out because without her i know i’ll try something again. i cant let the tiny bit of happiness ive found get away from me. And yet she causes me so much pain too… and her knowing about my depression is hurting her […]
I have a stepsister who goes through all the shit I do and shes my only family I have left. Shes 17 and just found out that she wont be able to leave home cuz of legal troubles my stepdads fault but I walked into our bedroom and found her sobbing on her bed. Her wrists were cut so deep it was scary you could see the bone only a little bit but still the cuts went the whole way up her arm. I ran out of the room to get a towel and gauze I was gone for like 5 minutes and when I […]
Sooo.. Recently I have been having suicidal thoughts for several reasons. Most of them I’m sure no-one will ever understand, because we all view the world differently, what may mean the world to someone may mean absolutely nothing to another person, so with that in mind my suicide thoughts have done nothing for me but make me feel even worse about myself, but I am now realizing that life is hard on everyone, some just handle it better than others. now, my family means the world to me and 90percent of the time when I am soooo close to killing myself.. I think about how selfish […]
I had never heard of this sight until tonight. I saw a friend post about it on Facebook & instantly thought that it was a sign.
Let me just begin with a little bit about me. I am 18, I live in a town I hate, & I hate most people. I’ve never really blogged, but I’ve always wanted to. It really helps me to write & I need to have a way to calm myself down. I really don’t know how to explain myself because I don’t really know who I am anymore. I don’t want to hear that I’m too young & that I […]
Little bit of a new song that I’m writing.
Sometimes when I’m sleeping deep and sound,
I’ll wake and pick my gui-tar off the ground.
I’ll strum a tune and I’ll sing a song
But I’m kind of a loon and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I’m just crazy.
They locked me up when I was twelve,
They never knew that I would delve
So far into this state of mind once more.
Then came thirteen and I was free
But nothing quite as it should be
Until they found me on the bathroom floor.
Yeah that’s all I have for now.
So last Thursday I had cut myself again and I just couldn’t stop myself. My mother is more than even disappointed in me because of my grades and all I’ve really wanted to do is make her proud. I don’t really know how to feel anymore. I get more and more sad and upset with myself each growing day. I also started writing poetry and it helps me share my feelings at least a little bit. Sometimes I honestly want my mom to see my scars so she sees just how much pain I’m in. I just want to be able to live my life […]
I wasn’t planning on posting here for another couple of days, but recent circumstances have altered my plans. June 27, 2010 is the day that one of my best friends took his own life. I write a memorial post here each year on that day as a way for me to remember him by. Last night another one of my friends committed suicide. It’s been numbing, as I’ve realized how little it affects me. Not because I don’t care, as this is a person that I had a great deal of respect for, and someone that I genuinely enjoyed being around. I know he had […]
Im back again, to let out all my emotions.
Today is monday the 17th of june about 10:01am
It all started on sunday. I was working, like i would normally do at Macca. i was doing drive thur so giving to food to the cars and then ths guy was like to me ” Oh i swear i brought this face stuff” im like what? and he says ” your face! i have this brand of face wash and you should try it, ill bring it for you next time ” when he left i ran into the bath room at work and stared at my face.. […]
My guess is that everyone on here is afraid of something. Afraid of the future, afraid of consequences, etc. Right now I’m afraid of something everyone in life has to eventually go through – growing up.
Well I’m not really afraid, more like I’m TERRIFIED. My whole life there was someone to help me, even a little bit, and I always had another milestone I could postpone adulthood to. But now I’ve reached that point and now I’m on my own. I do and don’t want this moment to come. I do want to become independent and not under the stigma of my parents’ reputation […]
Today I was happy.
I went to the pool today with my assistant manager/close friend (I helped her recover after a very brutal divorce with her crack-addict lousy excuse for a husband.) Now normally when I have any cuts or scars on my legs, I tend to hide them. But today I said, “Fuck it! I’ll show them off and let them get some sun. Maybe they’ll fade out a little like the older ones.” I had an incident a few days ago that I’m none too proud of, but I decided to go nonetheless. When we got to the pool and the sun was […]
I have now reached the point where I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. I am absolutely exhausted with trying to pretend that I am ok. I have had these intense feelings of loneliness and sadness lately and they are starting to become consuming. I have tried talking to everyone I know, but no one seems to understand. They tell me its just a phase or that things will get better just “try to be positive” (like I haven’t been trying). I have tried self medicating but the effects are only temporary.I tried cutting, but it just made me feel worse about […]
im going to take a shower now. maybe ill stay in there all day. i dont know. i dont know what to do. i cant calm down. i cant do anything. i literally want to die. i feel like im dying every second. i want a better life, but since i cant, living is more and more painful every second. i cant breathe. i cant do anything. i want to die. i cant handle this. there is no way i can fight every second about things i am not able to prove. i am fighting against someone who has made up their mind and has […]
So often… i have so many thoughts i feel compelled to express, but so little energy to spend on articulating and verbalizing them. Even that first line was difficult.
But then i start doing math, and think: who would see? of those, who would listen? of those, who would understand? of those, who would care?
And even if i could share every one of my most meaningful thoughts, with, say, 100 people who would see, read, listen, understand, and care… what good would it really do?
And even if it would do a little bit of good… it wouldn’t be enough… for Me.
So, often, i have all these […]
Trust.
Just 5 letters.
A simple word.
But it’s not quite simple to trust.
I can’t trust anyone, even not myself.
I will never trust people for 100%.
Actually, I always had effort with trusting people, but after the times people used and harmed my trust so many times, I know I’ll never trust people for 100%. I never trusted people very quickly, but after everything that happened, it’s a miracle when I trust someone a little bit.
Trust is a word I don’t really like to hear.
It’s a word that’s much more difficult than you would think.
Does trust actually exists??
I start to realize more and more that I’ll never be happy. Also IF therapy I get now WILL work, I’m not happy. Because the thing that makes me happy, also makes me really unhappy, and if I’m unhappy and down, I want to be happy, do the thing that makes me happy, but I also get more unhappy. The unhappiness also stays longer than the happiness, which is also not really happy, but happier than the unhappiness. Hope you guys still follow me ;P. It’s a little bit difficult, also to explain. Maybe this poem will help me to explain it better:
~My outside is […]
I’m freaking out just a little bit. I have realized that I can’t find passion anymore. It’s fading away slowly. I used to have so much passion. I used to be passionate about almost everything. Theater, singing, acting, dancing, writing, mythology, reading, philosophy, guitar, you name it. (Though not math…. I hate that with a passion) Passionate is something that used to be a descriptive term for me. Now… I don’t know. It’s fading and I am desperately trying to hold onto it. But I can feel it slipping away along with my will to live. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to be here…
Hi, I suffer from Manic Depression . Not many in my school know that. They think i’m happy, maybe even normal teenage girl. I’m 14. But this is were it all started.
When I was little, I was always the “troubled” child. My parents would curse at me , call me a “retard” , “slut” “whore” all different types of names when I just was two years of age. It wasn’t only the names… my mom was a drunk and my dad wasn’t so much of a help either, she would hit me, with all sorts of things, whatever she could get her hands on. […]
I think I’m done. I can’t tell anyone about this. So why not tell you? I wish everything would go back to the way it was. was When I was happy. No one was hurting me. I’m soooo tired of it. And when my friends try to tell they end up marketing things better for a little bit. bit But it just gets worse again. It all because I thought that I could trust him. But I couldn’t. Why am I always wrong?
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