so I’m here to try and tell my story because someone said I should try… Well I not to sure where to start but all I know is that everyday is a challenge for me every since I was 9. Is it normal for a child to feel so much hurt and despair? Well I’m sure some might say no because its not normal because there must be something going on. I grew into my teens feeling the same I have thought so many times that I should end it maybe that will make things better. I don’t want not at all but its crossed […]
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maybe
I thought I had her back… I thought we would be happy again… No, I always ruin the good things in my life… I have decided it is my time to leave. I can’t be here anymore. I can’t wake up every single day hating myself and everything that I have done to people. I just can’t do this anymore. I wake up every morning wondering how bad I am going to mess up again… I try to put up a fake smile but it’s never enough… I am gonna go tonight. Maybe all the people I have ever hurt will be happy I’m gone. […]
My phone rings and I know it’s him. I don’t want to answer, but if I don’t, he will keep calling.
“What?” I snap as I Put the phone to my ear.
“I miss you,” he whispers and I can tell he’s crying.
I don’t fucking love you. I stayed with you because you made me feel like I owed you that. I stayed because you made me feel like a dog.
But do I tell him that? Of course not.
“Leave me alone. Give up,” I say in something close to a growl.
He refuses. He won’t give up. I hate him. I can’t stand the […]
I’m very, very tired. I can’t live every day debating whether I should live or not – if I continue living, it’ll stay like this. If I die, I don’t have to deal with this. I know you say it’ll get better, maybe it will, I won’t live long enough to find out. For some reason, I can’t feel happy, even though there’s been cheerful people in the atmosphere. I’m very, very tired. Shall I go about eternal slumber?
So if you read my last post then you might know that I’ve been depressed since around seventh grade. So around that time (or maybe eighth grade, I don’t remember) I stumbled across this site and made an account. So, yes, this is my second account. I’m certain I made a few posts on here (or maybe one post) on that account, and I have this strange longing to find them or it and read it all. I know, it’s nearly impossible with the amount of posts, plus I don’t know my previous username, or what the post was even called. I know what you’re […]
I’ve never done anything like this before. I guess I’m just looking for anything or anyone to save me. I’ve been depressed all my life. Things have happened and everyone seems to always try and justify them..along with myself. I tried so hard to push it the back of my mind , I just want to forget it all. It’s always something happening, and I can’t escape for any of it. I feel stuck. I’m drowning my own self. I’m loosing this battle . It’s scary. I always think that maybe one day I’ll just have enough…and I’ll loose. It scares the living shit out […]
Lately, drugs have been one of my closest friends, and still the best I have to this moment in time. I’m 16 and ever since I was 14 I’ve just wanted to commit, nothing pleases me more then the thought of ending all the pain; from passings in my family to just being lonely. I’m home alone for most of the day outside of school, and I don’t have the grades for a future. School makes me want to hurt myself, the expectations are never met, no praise is ever given. I’m over it all, over everything, I used to be obese then something clicked […]
Just a quick post. My life sucks. I’m very suicidal am saving up to end my life maybe two months from now. But to save I have to give up tobacco which is going to be tough and kurb the alcohol. I’m schizophrenic and depressed and whenever I get meds for depression they work but aggregates my schizophrenia which totally suck because other than that the meds work OK. I get bored easily too which I can’t find work and dread working so my life sucks. I have been a hard worker most my life until I got my illness a few years ago. I […]
Last day tomorrow.
Going to go for a walk in the morning, maybe take the dog out.
I’ll get my haircut. I feel all unkempt.
Might have a shave, might not. Only shaved a couple of days ago.
I’m just going to spend the afternoon sitting in the garden, staring at the sky.
Even if the heavens open, I’ll be out there.
Like some lonely sentry, guarding his post to the last man.
I think about how far I’ve come in the past two years.
And I realize I’m right back where I started.
Fuck.
The post mentioning GGB reminds me of my story.
I spent some time around GGB with the most perfect woman in the world. I’m on another side of the globe. I flied to her place, and she brought me to GGB as one of the tourist spots.
I don’t think we will meet again. I don’t think she would want to see me anymore. But the photo of two of us in front of GGB keeps popping up in my phone.
And I’m here on this site. I just feel, maybe everything is related.
In time all foul things come forth…
Technically he raped me. The definition of rape is forcing someone to have sexual intercourse against their will. That’s what he did.
I’ve never really told anyone this. I’ve hinted about it to friends, but they were never that interested. I’m ashamed because it isn’t something you ever want to admit. Makes me feel weak.
It was St Patrick’s day last year, he was drunk. I humored him when he came into my room. I even humored him when he wanted to kiss me. But then he took it too far. I said no. He pinned my arms back. I always […]
I’ll start by saying: wherever there’s hope, there’s disappointment…
I don’t know why I visited the place; I hadn’t been to the park for years…Since, probably, at least it is the latest I can remember, me and my girlfriend were little love-birds humping each-other in the toilets. It looked, smelt– felt the same, indeed, so much so that one can only call it, eccentric. Maybe it is the hopefulness the memories possessed that took me there– or maybe my sheer lack of recent-by recent I mean the last 4 years- memories urged me to find comfort in memories that once promised new ones. I really […]
I used to ask the god I believe in to put all of my families burdens on myself instead of them. For them to be able to live peaceful happy lives at the cost of my own life. I would never take that back, and I still would say the same today. I can’t complain that my own life is not easy. Maybe it’s really just all of this coming to fruition. My family is happier and more peaceful than I have ever seen them and in this time of happiness I am completely seperate from them all. Miles and miles seperate us locking me […]
I feel stupid. Maybe this whole being intelligent thing isn’t for me. Everyone in my family is smart, so that means there is a chance I am just stupid right? Maybe if parents understood how depressed I feel than they wouldn’t say these things to me, like “don’t you understand college will be 10x harder, or why are you taking those classes you’re never going to do well in them”. I think the real problem is I carry more on my shoulders than they think, so they should just back of. If they weren’t so on top of me, and making me feel like sh*t […]
OK, so it may not be what we’re thinking of or desiring, but I have a book that takes exerts from the actual Kama Sutra and explains things like Hindu existence, practice, culture and history.
There are some poses in here, but I’m not interested in that, what I found curious was the 64 arts that must be studied along with the Kama Sutra.
There are a range of different disciplines and crafts they must study. Vocal music, dancing, gardening, carpentry, and 60 more.
The reason why I posted this was to inspire or motivate others to maybe attempt all, half or part of the 64 arts. […]
I’d go back to yesterday, when I slipped that noose around my neck but stopped when I heard them coming up the stairs. I’d hold the door shut until I was finished.
I’d go back 6 months and not send that letter to you. I’d remember to lock the front door so they wouldn’t have found me.
I’d go back 12 months and cut a bit deeper with that straight razor. I wouldn’t tell people I needed help, I wouldn’t tell them I was glad I had them, because I never did.
I’d go back 18 months and just tell you to fuck off. Maybe this could have […]
what’s the point anymore? it’s not like anything will get better, might as well just leave the world. Being in care is starting to hurt me physically and mentally, maybe i should either take the leap to end my life or maybe i should just end up going to different care homes every year or month, i cant even handle my emotions in this home, i dont fit in i’m not appart of their family and never will be, should i just end it? Please someone help me i’m asking for your help please i’m begging
Maybe you just come here for the stories?
Well here’s one, maybe it’s fiction or maybe not, all good memories become stories when they’re lost to the ocean of time.
It was summer. Last summer had been so warm his days were mostly spent shirtless. That was the summer before he met that one person who would change his life forever. But this isn’t like some soppy love story, instead of perfectly timed kisses and theatrical dialogue, it’s filled with awkward silences and fights. But they made it work. Until they didn’t.
He’d asked him to come and visit him while they weren’t living together. He’d checked with […]
”if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
otherwise,
don’t even start.
if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
this could mean losing girlfriends,wives, relatives, jobs
and
maybe your mind.
go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or4 days.
it could mean freezing on a park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your endurance,
of how much you really want to do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the worst odds
and it will be better than anything else […]
This world has overcome me on a whole new level. This emptiness I feel just won’t leave.. It’s useless I really don’t know why I try. I should just lay here and slowly waste away. People ask if you could sit down for hours or days and think about where your life will be in 5 years or 10 years or maybe even just 2 months from now I’ll never have an answer. I can not see myself anywhere new unless it leads to death.. It’s the only way I feel I’ll find some sort of peace. The only way I’ll ever feel like I’ve […]