So I’m seventeen, 17, just graduated from high school. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for about 4 or 5 years now. I attempted suicide in 2011 after I was hurt by someone who meant the world to me and I regretted everything. I’ve started up counseling since May 10 this year and have started medication but I still have depressed days and days that are hard to get through. I feel like nothing helps. What broke me is I had a nervous breakdown a few days before I started meds and going to counseling and nearly ended it. I have a box filled with pills I’ve stolen from my father who is heavily medicated and aspirin. It just gets more and more difficult as the days go on. Mom and Dad talk about how much things cost, how it gets harder and harder as the days pass and how much food is. I feel like death would be one final expense for me in which they could sell my car and a few of my other belongings to pay for my funeral then I wouldn’t be eating anymore. I’m obese. I weigh 314 pounds (I’ve lost 5 pounds since starting medicine, that’s progress but still) My relationship is kinda falling apart and I’m just paranoid altogether. The government will kill me because I speak truth. Truth is the new hate speech. I think they’ll kill me for saying my opinion. Or I’ll “mysteriously” pass away. I’m sick of this. Today it has been really hard too. Can anyone give me any advice or message me? I’ll reply later I promise.
A company who I spent three hundred dollars on their self help programs emailed me an ad trying to get me to buy more. I have been doing their programs all year! I definitely feel like I wasted my money on greedy people! Because they wrote me trying to sell me more with an ad titled “They Did it to me!” And that takes the cake!
I beg to differ. What does a person do when theyÂ REALLY did it to me, and in great numbers, continue to do it to me, and no matter what positive attitude have, no matter what fantastic in-genius ideas I have, no matter how much I pretend to love them like friends, they go on doing it to me. No matte how I serve them, no matter what I do, even the police have conspired. My civil rights have been insanely violated! And I am not crazy, but what they want is to not let me have any kind of fun no matter what. I have lived in Glendale and Burbank for 23 years now. One thing is for sure. I have not had even a date with a any women for 23 years and I feel like suing America for not having any domestic tranquility! I WAS a very good looking young guy, now I have had a big-time nervous breakdown and I am on anti-depressants and aI bought a bunch of your programs and have done them faithfully.
Â So far, nothing that I do it seems can break this conspiracy. I would not even sentence Hitler to the life I have had here. But I have traveled to other places and it seems that no matter where I go, the people know about me and treat me a certain way. Even though I am on tranquilizers and anti-depressants, I still feel like jumping off a bridge or going on a roof of a building, hoping I could state my case to the news. Right now, I have gotten fat from the drugs I have been on and I am old and ugly and have no teeth! So, my whole dreams of being with a young princess is totally gone. Even though I am intelligent talented man who plays a lot of instruments and has written many love songs that would be hit records I am sure! But now, I hate the masses of people and I do not feel like entertaining them anyway! And I started smoking like a chimney and cannot sing anymore! DO YOU HAVE A CD FOR THAT!? IF YOU DO, I NEED A FREE ONE BECAUSE I AM BROKE!-Thomas Kerry
Hi all, just registered, found the site through some google work. Have been hospitalised for 7 months in February with a nervous breakdown/depression (not certain which, they never told me) after being on Xanax for years. Been back to work in October and had to go see a new psychiatrist for follow-up who subscribed me on Fluoxetine (Prozac). I was doing ok (relatively) before that but for some reason I’m now more depressed than before instead of vice versa. The medication also makes me highly nauseous, especially sick in the morning, and causes severe heart pain in the early hours of morning when lying in bed. I’m pretty tired of most of it right now; My reasons for getting depressed in the first place haven’t diminished (they’ve grown if anything; administrative/financial hassle, a break up, moving into a small appartment, …) so I’m feeling pretty tempted at this point. I have no plans unless it’s jumping from a high building and the ones in this country are not so high to be certain to provoke lethality unfortunately.
Reading through the posts, its amazing how different all our stories are.
We have somethings in common – that feeling of not being able to carry on, hating our lives, hating our past, not feeling like we have a future.
How many of you have read anothers story and thought either:
Thats far worse than my life,
thats not so bad?
It something to think about – if we put ourselves in other peoples lives how would we feel then, worse or better than we do now.
If one can get one spirits up just a little – its really important.
Having severe PTSD (post traumatic stress), having a nervous breakdown, being clinically depressed make life absolutely feel its unable to go on.
But really being depressed or broken down or defeated is a feeling that totally sux!!
If there is anyway to feel better – its really important.
Suicide and suicidal thoughts make one feel worse. I don’t think suicide is sucessful in a painless way that we want. There are so many failure stories that people end up far far worse after trying.
I keep having mental and nervous breakdowns over the stupidest things. For one, when ever i think of my job (subway) i wanna break down crying because i hate it so much. Just having the dog pee on my bed will set me off into a huge crying and sobbing episode that will last for hours. I have panic attacks when that happens. I am seeing a psychiatrist and i dont know how to bring up the fact that i think i need xanax or ativan or something because when i have those episodes i become very suicidal. I have bipolar by the way so all of the emotions i feel are intensified greatly than what they really are which really really sucks! What do you guys think i should do? i feel like im just gunna crack any minute.
I had a nervous breakdown when my husband didnt want the son I was carrying, I had a nervous breakdown when my son was diagnosed with cancer, I had a nervous breakdown when I went bankrupt, I had a nervous breakdown when my whole family abandoned me, I had a nervous breakdown when my husband didnt want the daughter I was carrying, I had a nervous breakdown when my mom died, I had a nervous breakdown when my gran and primary caregiver died, I had a nervous breakdown when the rest of my family abandoned me, and now again when going bankrupt again. How many until the Lord lets me out of this pain of life. How many is enough?
I was with the love of my life for 6 years. We loved eachother so much, were wedding planning and never had arguments, just healthy discussions.Â
For the last year of that I became very sick. I am motion sick 24/7 for over a year. I was suicidal. My boyfriend was as strong as he could be, caring for me, but couldn’t take the suicidal thing. He cheated on me 3 times with the same girl. He said he hated it, had no interest in her and struggled to get it up everytime, it was just an escape. He stopped and started seeing a therapist. I found out soon after by seeing a picture of them on his phone. I asked if he was cheating and he broke down Â I was traumatized by it, so was he. I had a nervous breakdown, nightmares for weeks, lost about 20lbs and felt like a zombie for months. I cried everyday for 6 months. We took a 4 month break and he promised me he’ll fix everything. I tried so hard to no longer be suicidal, to be optimistic. I believed this experience would make us stronger because it happens and ive seen it. Im not naive that relationships are easy, infidelity is rampant. I spent 5 months in therapy, read tons of self help and relationship books, and despite depression i had optimism. I made him worked to be with me and he spoiled me in the beginning. When we were together things were incredible!
I’m here 10 months later. The relationship was going well, my therapy ended but I could sense something was wrong. He wasn’t really working with me to fix things, but on himself.Â
I found out he had an iphone, a twitter and was going to business trips to Denmark. He says there’s no way he was cheating again, he is scared of relationships and sexually I fulfill him and will prove that they were only day business trips for training. When i was suicidal he lied to protect me, so i would have nothing to worry about and has now become a compulsive liar and lies about everything to everyone. He was doing this because he wanted me but didn’t want to go through the stress of a relationship again because he was worn down and scared. Waving my death in his face was too much. I was still depressed and it was too much. We got back together too soon and he wasn’t ready. He hid things because he wanted to be free of me for a while but still wanted me in his life. Just wasn’t ready to give himself fully. He was still scared of being responsible for my feelings so kept me at a distance. He is still in therapy but not addressing the lying so much, more his self-esteem.Â
I needed his trust and constant love to work things out. I couldn’t have him in my life still without that.
I believe he was stull cheating but he still denies again and again. I tried nicely to contact his mum, bf and therapist for some help, they all ignored me before I got the chance (I hardly know them). I can’t believe they could give mr clarity on my situation but are that selfish!
Â I don’t think we are together anymore. He wants us to still look after eachother and he will fix himself then I can come back into his life but how long will that take. How can I have any attachment or hope when I have no idea what he’s up to
Â I still dream to myself that we will go back to 2 years ago tomorrow. Things were perfect before I got sick. Im pathetic!
My health got so bad again I can’t do anything, i cant watch tv or use a computer (using phone) or travel for 5 months. I can’t work and want to so bad! I can’t get welfare because they think I’m lying even though I gave them medical evidence. Â
No other guy would take this on, understand and I can’t go to places or work to meet them.
I turn 30 next year and can’t handle that either. I’m on the shelf already.
I can’t see this pain ending. I tried my hardest but I just get tortured everyday.Â
On June 28th I will die. I will use helium method, if that doesn’t work I’ll jump infront of a train. The only thing that holds me back are my parents. My mum has gone through so much in her life and is the nicest person ever (she lost her mum and brother when she was 12 and more). It makes me feel sick that my boyfriend’s selfishness will impact her life this way. But I wish she would just be happy for me that my pain has ended.Â
You can choose to read this or not. I know it’s long.
Ever since I can remember I’ve been witnessing abuse in my household.
When I was 4, I remember seeing my parents fist fight all the time, & I could never understand why. I remember seeing a few relatives standing in my doorway, but I don’t know why they were standing there, or if they really were there at all. I got my first taste of first-hand violence when I was 5. My mom was holding me in her arms while my dad was punching away at her face. & I remember asking him to stop hurting her, but he said he wasn’t. & He went to punch her again, & I got punched instead.
Since then, if I do anything “bad”, I get punched, hit, smacked, & sometimes choked. Sometimes alone, sometimes infront of mom, & sometimes even infront of friends. Alot of people know, actually, which is the funny thing. DCFS is called often, but I’m always forced to lie. They never ask me alone, & I never understand why they don’t ask me alone, what happened. They ask me why I have bruises or cuts or bumps. & Of course I have to lie, or else suffer worse consequences, let alone the once I’d already get from them being over in the first place.
I forgot about this next incident for a very long time until maybe 2 months ago.
When I was in 4th grade, I recall my mom having a nervous breakdown, & I didn’t understand that. I just remember she used to wake me up at 5 in the morning to tell me “Jesus was coming.”
On one of those mornings, she undressed me & undressed herself, & molested me while reciting a prayer.
After about 5 minutes, I got scared, & told her to stop. I pushed her away & ran to put on a green striped shirt & khaki pants.
I felt terrible. Not for what she did. But, for what I did. I ran away from her & made her sad. I remember how sad she was when I ran.
I’m so used to apologizing. I apologize atleast 5 times a day, even when I don’t do anything wrong. It’s a terrible habit.
As of today.
My mom smacked me with a stack of papers & my dad shoved soap in my face. Why? I’m worthless.
My mom goes in & out of her thoughts throughout the day. She doesn’t listen to me a lot. She only hears what she thinks she hears, or doesn’t hear at all.
Today, we went to register for school. She told me to measure my height, & so I did. I came back to her, & she responded, “…Go measure your height.” & I replied with, “I did.” & I guess she wasn’t paying attention to me .. because she said it again, & so I said a little louder, “I did.” & so she wacked me with the stack of papers she was holding & was forced to leave the school by a Dean.
For this, I believe she shut my cell phone off, because it’s not working at the moment. I have signal & everything but cannot make calls.
Later on I get called downstairs by my dad, & I already know I did something wrong by the tone in his voice. He showed me the pan I washed earlier with a stern look on his face. & He asked me “What’s this?” in which I replied “What?” & he took his finger, wiped it on the pan, & then wiped it on my face.
I always feel like this. Worthless. But, today? It just feels like it takes on a whole new feeling. I’ve never felt so hollow & empty. I really am considering killing myself.
I know exactly how I’d do it, too.
Extension cord. Garage banister. Bam. Dead.
I’ve found one lovely person in this world who can understand the things I say, & his name is Henry Taylor.
But he lives about 5 states away. I love him dearly, but I feel as if it’s pointless sometimes. Other times, I feel as if my love is so strong, that it can reach to where he is. Maybe, because I have all this love to myself, since I have had nobody else to share it with my whole life.
I often sometimes think that maybe God protected my mind from remembering a lot of this, because he wanted me to remain strong, & he gave me enough time before I am able to legally leave to realize I need to get out of there, without being so overwhelmed.
Maybe. All I know for sure is that when if I’m still alive on January 7th, I’m going to leave this wretched prison. & I’ll go as far away from it as I can.
- I have struggled with depression my whole life
- When I was ten I had my first suicidal thought
- When I was twelve I tried to cut my wrists
- When I was thirteen I tried to hang myself
- My mom left us for another man when I was five years old
- My dad was an abusive alcoholic
- My dad was married four times
- I have always been responsible
- I always did well in school
- IÂ got a scholarship to college
- I got a college degree
- I was married for 11 years
- I moved a lot
- I couldn’t seem to make any new friends
- I had an affair
- IÂ got a successful job in corporate america
- I was extremely lonely
- I made a lot of money
- My grandmother died
- My stepmother died
- IÂ got divorced
- I was under a lot of stress at work
- I had a mild nervous breakdown
- I had an affair with a married co worker
- IÂ got pregnant
- I had an abortion
- I couldn’t function at work
- I quit my job
- I quit two more highpaying professionalÂ jobs that same year
- I spent a lot of time in bed
- I spent a lot of time thinking
- I have no friends
- I have burned all my bridges professionally
- No one in my family speaks to each other
- Everyone hates me
- For a long time IÂ hated me
- I’ve slowly learned toÂ forgive myself
- Some days I can love myself
- I’ve been unemployed for the last year
- I can’t find a job
- No one will hire me or give me a reference
- I accept that this is a consequence of my irresponsible actions
- I accept full responsibility for my life
- I’m not very good at life
- I’ve decided to give up
- I have almost no hope left
- I have a little bit of hope left
- I don’t really want to die
- I’m tired of feelingÂ pain, guilt, shame, regret, depression, loneliness and suffering
- I will write up my will
- I willÂ leaveÂ my car, savings and investments to R
- I will buy a cremation package
- I will buy a body bag
- I will give away all my personal possessions
- I will go on a final road trip
- I will make as clean, asÂ peaceful, and asÂ responsible anÂ exit as possible.