I saw my doctor on Tuesday. He said he was worried about the episodes I’ve been having and said he was calling my psychiatrist to bring forward my appointment. I don’t want him to. I can’t see my psychiatrist anymore. She’s going to hurt me. She’s going to kill me. Why does no one see it? It couldn’t be more obvious. I need to tell someone; I need them to help me. But I don’t know who she’s got to. I don’t know who she’s brainwashed. I need help. Someone needs to get her away from me. She’s going to get me. She’s getting people […]
Tag:
night
I’m sorry I haven’t been here for a month. I wont get into detail.
But I’ve though a lot and it’s gotten me this far.
I miss sp though, I miss everyone here. I’ve been working a lot, and drinking. It’s been depressing me. And not to mention it’s that time of year again for my depression to settel in. My birthday is in a few days, january 11th. And I’m not looking forward to it.
I was depressed this week, I still am. But I hide it very well from the real world. I all usually winds up at the end of the night that I despise […]
Your skin, it’s so soft.
Your muscles, firm.
The smile on your face when you look down on me,
Intoxicating.
Running my fingers over your features.
Feeling yours against mine.
Being with you all night.
Your shoulder the perfect pillow.
Clutching the tags you always wear.
It’s so odd, how the color of your eyes change.
I thought I would never see them again.
I have those memories, yet if I lost you…
My reason for living,
It would also perish.
“What did you say your name was?”
“Why are you like this?”
“Smile!”
“Keep trying!”
“What did you do this weekend?”
“Be yourself!”
“Look on the bright side of things.”
“What do you do for fun?”
“Why do not you make more friends?”
“One day will be well, be patient.”
“You have everything and complain!”
“Of course it is so, you only stay at home!”
“Have hope.”
“Stand by me for all!”
“Call your friends for a night out.”
“There are many people with bigger problems than yours!”
“Do not be coward!”
“God has plans for you.”
“Crying will not do anything.”
“Talk to her...”
“She […]
As eminem would say, i`m having a full blown relapse. I stopped taking anti depressants a while ago. I tried different ones, different doses, took them for years. None of them worked out for me, they all made me feel nothing. I still prefer the pain over just nothing. I now use all kinds of drugs. Sometimes they give me a feeling that is close to being happy. But sometimes they make me feel the pain and hear the voices even more. I tried killing myself a fuew days ago. Had the rope ready, ant in total drunkenness i fell of the chair and woke […]
What’s the allure of fantasizing about death? It makes no sense. You know (talking to myself) that you don’t want to die. All you want is for things to be different. Sometimes it seems so hard, too hard, to change things. I want to own people is what my problem is. I want their attention and admiration and as time goes by the illusions are falling away and I can see emptiness. I’m starting to see that my thinking doesn’t add up. So what is the way to think? I’ve been reading about suicide all night and the two things some people say help are […]
The most frustrating thing about whatever it is I’m going through is this oscillation, things start to improve in small ways and then something happens however big or small and I’m back to being low again.
New Years was one of those times, being home from uni means and the history i have at home means there are a lot more people i feel i need to avoid. All day i tried to focus on working on an eminent essay but was anxious about that night; where i was going to go and who i was going to meet.
i was in the pub enjoying drinks with […]
So new year is here and not 5 minutes and bullshit happens already.
I vomit at a friends party and lose my midnight kiss, by the end of the night i embarrassed myself infront of the people whose opinions i actually care about and just feel like shit.
Bring in more shit this year
I realized last night in the blitz of all the chaos of the party that I will never be happy . My god I am the most depressed person on this planet .
I wanted to kill my self last night . I drove home even though I was a little drunk but I’m a perfect driver . I wanted to drive off the road and crash into something . But I couldn’t do it . And I went home to lay in bed .
I wish I had done it .
I went thro a lot of stuff the last couple years. I lost all my friends, i live alone, and practically have no family. I cant talk about my problems to anyone except to myself. i think about killing myself about 50% of the day, and all through the night. I wend to the doctor and psychotherapy. It didnt work out for me. I tried antidepressants but it makes me feel even less alive, and id rather be sad then just could. Feeling something is better than nothing for me. So basicly all i managed to do the last 3 years is loose […]
Happy New Year, everyone!
Whether you are going to some rave party where you have a 50/50 chance of overdosing on MDMA, or spending the night on a couch with Jack Daniels watching the T.V. shows, or sitting with your family at a table full of nice, homecooked food, I hope your transition into 2016 will be a pleasurable one!
I can’t say for sure, but I think I’ve gotten better. Sure, there’s the illicit drug use that might’ve played a role in that, but hey, as long as it worked, who cares, right? I’m off the chemical stuff anyway, sticking to the bud for now. Got […]
Free me from this prison
Ive been locked away for ao long
Every day seems to last forever.
Then comes the night
The time when all my toughts are set free
They flow through me aimlessly
Wanting to become a part of me.
I can feel the darkness
Taking over my mind
All i can see is blackness
I feel empty, like there’s nothing to be found.
Within me
There is only despair
I can not see clearly
It feels like life isn’t fair.
And then i think to myself
What feels better
Or less painfull
Than being alive?
A rope around my neck?
A bullet through my head?
Freefalling through the sky
Meeting death at the end?
……….
And then i think to myself
Maybe life isn’t so bad
But […]
I could feel you slipping
(I can always feel them slipping)
Away from me.
It was slow and silent,
the way you faded.
You dropped my hand,
(for it was too calloused)
And dropped my heart
(for it was too heavy)
You kissed my cheek,
and not my lips.
The night before you left,
I engraved my memory into your skin
with my fingernails.
Family member yells get the fuck outta your room and help with dishes so i cover my cuts like I’ve been told to do and go out i start washing dishes then realize i have to roll up my sleeves my mom glares at me and whispers you better not be doing that for attention i said please step out of the kitchen so i can have room to move freely and do the dishes she walks out one of our guests comes over and stares at my arm then when i ask what’s wrong she just replied so you’re older now and i noticed […]
I cannot believe how much my life has changed in 6 months. I loved life, had amazing friends, family, educational and social life. I have always had quite a hard family life where I have had to help care for members of the family doing this daily made me think I was a good person.
My life is so different now. A video of me has went viral. I was drunk and have absolutely no idea wat the content is but EVERYWHERE I go I get laughed at, made fun of and have comments shouted at me. I have left my job because the abuse I […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Trying to get in the right frame of mind for Christmas.
Here is my Christmas poem.
Christmas Eve Suicide
Twas the night before Christmas
When I’d carry out my wish
In a relaxing hot bath
I’d cut both my wrists
This time I’ll succeed
I’ve planned with such care
Either heaven or hell
Soon I’d be there
My problems and worries
will no longer matter
My tormented life memoirs
written in blood spatter
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
In the vastness of space, lies a lonely planet just waiting to be explored. A dark blue world where the depths of the sea are limitless and there is no dry land in sight. Swimming eternally alone, breaching the surface to gaze upon the pitch black sky littered with glistening stars in the night. Plunging back into this sea of light only to find indigenous creatures comforting me; I am not so different and not so alone. While I sink further and further into the void below, I am finally free and at peace with myself.
can i just disappear? – sometimes i just want to disappear. – i wish i could disappear. – i want to disappear from my life. just be gone, as if i were never here. (the pearl) – i don’t want to kill myself, i just want to disappear. – i just want to stop existing. – i want to disappear into the night and never return. – i don’t want to die, i just want to disappear. – take me to neverland. – i want to fade away, like fog, melt like sugar, disappear. – sometimes i want to disappear. – sometimes i just want […]