Yet again I’m stuck in a shit hole.. Another sleepless night.. Trapped in hell.. All I do is try and try to find answers I know will never appear.. I search and search and dig so deep with nothing but more tears to weep… What’s the point in going on when all you feel you had is gone?… You’ve failed at all you attempted, you never finished anything… There is really no way to become more of a fucking disappointment. I’m sorry that I embarrass you.. I’m sorry you’re ashamed when I’m around.. I’m sorry I have never and will never accomplish anything significant.. I’m […]
Tag:
night
it happened on a cold winter day
and was started by a romantic cliche
the ghost of being all alone
departed when you took me home
and shattered all I’ve ever known
I can’t forget the darkness that night
except for the beam of that brake light
the embrace of your king sized bed
softened all the words you said
and reminds me that I can’t forget
our bodies’ passionate duet
one minute you were drinking with me
and then the next we’re in neck deep
I still can taste the wine we shared
and feel the heat of our affair
now it’s been burned into my head
Yet again the voices in my head have won another night.
It was one of those nights where I was hanging with a large group of friends.
Even though I say friends, i just felt like an outsider looking in, I didnt have much input to give on their conversations. I just wound up sitting there thinking if i wasnt here it would make no difference. The group consisted of my roommates and some more friends ( we were at my house).
One of the friends is debating living with us next year so they spent the night entertaining everyone with stories. Everyone was so happy and lively. When i’m around i have never have good news or […]
Tonight after I get to see my kids I will end my life. I have bought them a gift that will always remind them of me and how much I love them. It is my time to go to end my pain. I love my children and hope they will understand as they are 9 and 10. My two daughters are and always will be my angles!
What I wouldn’t give to have a woman one time tell me she loves me before I go. All I ever wanted was to be loved and be a good father. May those that are here find peace in […]
As I begin to lay down for another sleepless night, I ponder at the thought of just dying. Of taking my own way out because the anxiety and depression have overwhelmed me and once again beat my ragged body to nothing. My legs now quiver and my heart beat echoes through the night. Yet, I’m confused of what I’m afraid of in the moment. The lifeless black surrounding me in the box I struggle to rest in, gives little comfort. So I’ll pull my ragged body off the ground, grab my razor, and put my mind to sleep.
So for starters, I’ve tried to commit suicide maybe half a dozen times. Through pills, a few vain attempts at cutting my wrists, which have left my arms embarrassing and cumbersome for finding work. I have been a cutter since I was 15, but those scars are hidden.
I used drugs for many years, meth, x, and shot coke for awhile. Well, I did it, I quit drugs. At 22, but than I started drinking. Real fun drinking, but managed to keep a job. When I didnt have a job, I drank all day and all night.
So I meet a man. Also an alcoholic. We moved […]
I’ve been feeling like shit really for the past few months, and my friend called and asked if I wanted to hang out. Of course I said yes…
This morning started out normal for a Sunday morning (in my house at least) my older brother and his wife arguing, my older brother being a total dick… But I’m feeling a bit better, and I’m surprised that I haven’t cried yet. (it’s only 10AM so knock on wood)
I think… it really does make a difference having someone who actually cares around, sure my parents care but then again they let my demons follow me- and won’t let […]
I was started on lithium and gabapentin I’m the psych ward and have had crazy shakiness ever since. I’m also on Zoloft, seraquel and trazadone. I stopped the lithium and gab cold turkey about a week ago but still have the shakes. Makes me want to blow my head off. I didn’t take seraquel last night to see if it helps but I wasnt able to sleep but 1&1/2. Anybody else have this problem? What do I do? Feel like I’m going crazy… again
Well today I am 46 and life still sucks. Every night when I go to bed I pray I won’t wake up again, but again I wake up and the misery starts again. I’m tired of people telling me chin up things will get better. Well assholes nothing has gotten any better! I still feel unwanted and invisable to the world. My “friends” tell me how wonderful I am and that I will find the right person when I stop looking, if I stop looking how will I find this person?! Have they every been truly lonely in their lives? Do they know how the emptiness […]
Liz, are you there
When did I ever ask you back, of anything
Oh, my companion
But you, and your spirits, we can
In the night, I light one-up and start to cry
Oblivion, my beautiful mother screams in hers
And we don’t speak of the seismic that we both feel
Underground, do you know, of a continuum of a
I haven’t slept, now that I realize, since the beginning
Therefore, I do not have dreams, anymore
You know of my ail, and thus, I arrive
Please, I need your help
On top of the roof
The air is so cold and so calm
I say your name in silence
You don’t wanna hear it right now
The eyes of the city
Are counting the tears falling down
Each one a promise
Of everything you never found
I scream into the night for you
Don’t make it true
Don’t jump
The lights will not guide you through
They’re deceiving you
Don’t jump
Don’t let memories go
Of me and you
The world is down there out of view
Please don’t jump
You open your eyes
But you can’t remember what for
The snow falls quietly
You just can’t […]
They come at night, to pull me in… I try to scream, but for some reason I can’t.
The sun goes down, there is no sound, I fight but now there is no one around.
Help me please, I can’t do this alone.
But help won’t come, and if they do; by then it’ll be too late
Because, well… I guess I just couldn’t stand the wait.
To be honest I thought my depression was done with. I hadn’t had any suicidal thoughts in a good 4 months and that seemed to be how I defined depression…. Suicide. But I didn’t realise how much I’ve been staying in and drinking alone at night, how little I’ve been eating and how much I sleep during the day during those 4 months. I’ve never really associated these things with depression at all. My first suicidal thoughts since then happened a couple nights ago. Reoccurring images of familiar deaths, my family finding me, the aftermath of everything, it was like 4 months worth of suicidal […]
I wish the stars would shine the way they did when you and I were one. The world seems lonely now, the nights are filled with silence. There is an emptiness all around me. The skies are darker now, the nights are longer now. In the silence I strain to hear your voice again but all there is, is darkness. The night grows cold, the flames we kindled are no more. You were the light that lit the skies, that filled my heart with joy. You made the stars shine brighter, you gave the night a warmer glow. I wish the nights were ours again, […]
I’am tired of everything, of the night, of the day, of myself, of other people, of things that I have to do, I just wanna end my life, but I fear the pain, I want to find a way to die at minimum pain, I find that there’s nothing in this world that interests my anymore, I’ve seen much things if not all, anyway inside my(in my soul) I feel a void, an emptyness, I can’t feel emoutions anymore, I feel like a zombie, I don’t understand what I’am doing here on this planet earth, I think that it was an error that I was […]
Thet is hard to imagine, in the thick of a depressive moment that emotions can lift and the depression can leave. After years and y,ears dealing with my depression, I find this is all too true! But we must remember, esp in the middle of an episode that it can change and it can lift!
This morning started out rough, last night’s depression continued to linger. I HAD to go to work, I wanted to go to work, but my heart was really back in the muck. So much so that when a lady asked me for a ride, I was mad. Oye. Not like me. […]
I cannot take it anymore .Whenever i close my eyes, at any time of day/night ,i see all these horrifying pictures of blood and violence on myself.Im haunted by monstrous bloody images of flesh and death.It lasts for approximately week or two, non-stop ,i hardly sleep more than 4 hours a night then.When it passes ,i always get painfully numb.It goes round and round. I cannot do this anymore,i need to cut,i need to die,i don’t deserve to be here i shouldn’t be here.Sorry im so weak i need to write it here instead of just finishing with that agony.I can’t kill myself because it […]
so I told you to look up , look up to the sky but I never said to say goodbye. You got those scares across your arms you know what’s wrong but not what’s right. As you smile in the moonlight I turn around (drip drop ,drip drop) are you okay? I’ll come back another day. Are you OK are OK are you okay ? You tell your mother that you’re fine you tell your friends that you’ll be alright you’ll be alright as you look at me and I look at you I could see the darkness shining right through so I’ll ask one […]
I’m the reason why my parents may get a divorce soon.. the only thing that’s holding this family together is my soon to be seven year old brother. Listen, I’m not overreacting or anything when I say this, my family hates me. Because I’m pretty sure that most families don’t call their daughters/sons: tramps, sl*ts, wh**es, and other things like that…
When I was in the eighth grade I was put into an actual public school; I thought everything would turn out alright. I thought everything would go the way I wanted it to. I was wrong. Not even a month of school had passed before […]