There are times in my life where I don’t feel like the girl I normally am. Normally I feel strong, happy and just filled with life. Other times I feel like I am not even real. I feel as though I’m lost, scared and worthless. I have these times at least two or three times a year. I keep everything that upsets me in a box in the back of my mind and never tell anyone. I always feel as though I’m not allowed to share my sad thoughts with others because I shouldn’t have them and people would tell me to stop complaining because […]
Tag:
others
“i could hear my heart beating. i could hear everyone’s heart. i could hear the human noise we sat there making. none of us moved. not even when the room went dark.”
i don’t know why i’m here. i can’t quite seem to figure out anything anymore. sometimes i get these little fits — my roommate calls them “funks” — in which i am just unhappy. i am upset. i am sad. i am angry, at you, and me, and the trees, at the world. and i don’t know why. i never know why. a girl is supposed to know herself better than anyone else could […]
My son is 18, he lives elsewhere, I’ve been a deadbeat mum due to something called bipolar disorder which rendered me incapable of making good decisions. I should have had my son adopted, my mum stepped in but later on she stepped right out and put my son into care at 8 while I had yet another psychotic breakdown. There is no dad for my child. He was psychotic, paranoid, a drug taker, denied paternity after refusing to use a condom for the one time we had sex.
Friends and relatives have good relationships with their kids, they were wanted and planned. Kills me inside.
The guilt […]
I haven’t posted on here in a while so thought I’d just give an update in the hopes it will maybe help others.
If you’ve read any of my other posts, you’ll know I was in a pretty bad way. I stopped sleeping and eating. I was in constant physical pain, had lost control of my bodily functions, was having hour-long panic attacks and constantly crying. I couldn’t go outside, couldn’t make phonecalls, could barely get out of bed. I would have meltdowns in public, screaming; had to have midnight trips to several hospitals. I was permanently shaking and on a massive cocktail of drugs […]
Through the eyes of a child,
Everythings new.
The whole world around them,
All that they do.
All that they see,
All they can feel.
They learn it from us,
And they learn it is real.
They learn how to love,
They learn how to hate.
Growing each day,
They learn even more.
Some live in good homes,
Some get kicked on the floor.
Life teaches us well,
That we’re really alone.
Life teaches us hell.
To be as cold as a stone.
Do unto others,
As they would do unto you.
What a lie that is,
Coz they’ll still screw you.
In the end […]
I have worked my stinky little self hard trying to “make it.” Now, I can’t take it anymore. I’m too old. late thirties. The ridicule I get everywhere I go. And I am female so men make sure I know how they feel about nasty women. I am infamous. I smell bad no matter what I do. (Yes, I shower. No I don’t have BV, VD, etc. No one gets close enough to pass me those gifts.) I thought it would go away one day via diet, doctors, etc. Nothing has helped. After 20 years, since puberty, I give up that dream.
I have learned to accept the constant […]
I cant seem to find words for him…i cant bring my self to ask for anything i want or need..because i have been turned down and hurt so many times before by so many others my mind will not accept that he wont..
when i ask him a question..a serious question that is bothering me.. i know the answer i get is the truth…but i cant bring my mind to trust him.. what will i do if i can never trust him .. how do i get past all this.. i dont want to be alone… i KNOW he will leave me because of my mood […]
I fell in love at the wrong time. Sometimes, yes, id love a rewind. I say all the bad made me good. But now it’s just bad. And Im bad. I dont trust anyone anymore, im falling away from them on purpose. Too scared of myself to let others in. A feeling akin to a state of dreaming, but Im awake. I feel submerged under water, I like it because nothing can sink as far as I have. Solitude is heaven. Im trying to start anew but everything is too wound up to undo. All I’ve got to trust are my subconscious thoughts.
I stopped into a bar the other day for a pint of new castle, on my way home from work of course!
I sat down, not too many folks at the bar..a couple playing pool! Anyways..
I’m sitting there and this (kinda) young dude is sitting there talking it up with the tendie, sounding like he had had a few already. So I’m sitting there just sorta chiming in on conversations going on, sipping my ale… And then me and this young dude get to talking about death and old age.
We both made it plain in our opinions that living past a certain age […]
I have my house and my garden,but i crumble knowing that i have been a cheater.i cant get over it,ooo its so dam bad.i have been smoking an drink for years,wy am i still here?
i have always like my life but i have cheated for many year
a frend of mine i used to work with,he treat me like shit but the others so well
i am living knowing that i have cheated.i try to be a good man.i treat my kids well.they are adults most of them
pleas can i go back to nature whit the birds and animals?
I tink i belong there
it is lovly
I have no idea why I feel so down all the time, why? My mum used to say when I was upset it was my age between 12 and 16 now I am 18 and I can’t seem to get out of this constant feeling of depression. I have attempted suicide in silly ways that didn’t even come close to working.. Then I for a while used to cut myself but in all honesty I think that was just a cry for help hoping somebody would notice as I was to scared to open up about my feelings to anyone. From when I turned 16 […]
the lawn seems empty
the sky looks clear
the imminent danger
seems no where near
someone steps out
gun in hand
somebody runs
somebody stands
no one seems phased
he loads the gun
why do they walk
why don’t they run?
the sky turns red
and so does the road
somebody screams
as the blood starts to flow
the laws have crumbled
it’s a free for all
black is the trend
and decency falls
corpses lay mangled
in allies and streets
laying in stacks
and on the concrete
hanging from streetlights
and hanging from trees
nobody cares
as long as they bleed
if someone’s not hanging
they’re hanging others
from children and […]
I have not yet accepted my defeat. I shall complete myself, whatever it takes. in my this journey yet i have explored many forbidden zones. the deeper i go the more forbidden zones lose their holiness/untouchability. and a mere touch of me crumbles their whole fortress that they created in thousands or millions of years. And now i shall move one more step. Once social connectedness preserved the species and it was called the highest good. But what is species preservation to me? My suffering has paid all my debts and i owe nothing to nobody. Tell me, what makes another person more worthy to you than […]
WHAT do others do with anger? Thankfully, i live alone, so i at times rant and slam things down. i beat on my arms, i LOVE feeling the pain…it allows my mind to refocus. I sometimes cut, but i prefer the hitting, beating myself….usually my lower arms and when they get too sore the upper arms. sometimes i leave bruises…sometimes it takes a day or so to show up. try to cover them when out in public. Again, at home i am alone. i wish for crazy things…like to drop a cynder block on my head, knock myself out (doubtfully) or get a brain bleed […]
All these people seem so happy. And by happy, I mean at least mildly content. I used to enjoy the 4th, as well as many other things. So many people with their significant others. Years have passed since I’ve had one. I don’t blame girls. It’s me. I walk around all day depressed and utterly hopeless. I have no passion for anything anymore. At least I don’t have any kids to screw up. That’s why I used condoms back in the day. One more of me running around??? That would just be cruel. Some might find this upsetting, but I have great respect for those […]
Laid here on my bed thinking about you all, I don’t even know you but I feel for you. I thought hurting others would maker happy but that didn’t help and now I feel no emotion for people. No guilt, no sorrow, no happiness and Just nothing. I can understand anyone and anything at all. I’m literally nothing you’ve met before. Talk people xx
I’m sure my story isn’t unique. I started off strong and passionate. Now it’s just physical and emotional pain. Both equally disable my ability to love, converse, work, and sleep. My heart pounds every day like the annoying construction workers outside my window.
I’ve tried meds and nothing helps. The anxiety is just too much to handle. I live in San Francisco and see the golden gate bridge on a daily basis. If only I had the balls to jump off. Everyday is worse than the last. I guess I’ll just try and OD on morphine again, but it never works. I’ve taken over 1000 […]
I sit still awake at 11 am. The sun briefly hits my pale, pasty skin. My body aches, I am in excruciating agony. My pain threshold is finite, but it has been growing over the years. However, when the pain exceeds this mark, as it does daily, I am no longer competent. I cannot think clearly, I cannot do anything that requires thought. I wait. That’s the only thing I can do. There is no awareness, there is no relief, and there is no reason. Just pure unadulterated pain. I feel like a junkie, I have lost interest in everything and everybody, and I cannot […]
I can be happy, I can be content – but behind it all is an absence of any belief that anything is of any value, or worth, materially, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually. All empty.
Then the light fades, that’s enough, time to go.
Then comes anger, a real anger, self directed, and at the rest of humanity. The call to ‘be nice to people’ to make me feel better, to ‘do something’ to make me feel better. Acting on such advice is nothing more than me, me, me – so it’s all just self serving? So its in the self interest of those who preach to say those things? […]