I’m back in my hometown for the summer. It’s between the semesters for college, and I’ve been suffering the entire time. Is it odd that the moment I stop on the pavement I got a stomach ache? I couldn’t get a job and I’ve chosen to drop one summer class. Just from those two things, my parents think it’s reason enough to beat me. To scream at me. To call me ‘retarded’. They didn’t even pay for my classes. My grandmother left me money for college; from things like this… but they think that because I spent it on a class that I dropped, I’m […]
What’s the point? I hate everything. I hate being a teen, and I don’t want to go through whatever bullshit comes my way in life. It’s just going to be full of people who have no sympathy for you and just laugh at your misfortunes. I frustrate people to the point to where they want to just disappear when they listen to my problems. No one can get anywhere with me. I was even called “typically close-minded” today. I always thought I was better than that. I always think most of the poem “Richard Cory” perfectly describes me:
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on […]
I think that’s the way to go. Â I’m talking 600+ feet from the ground onto pavement. Â It’d be scary as fuck but you’d probably die before you even hit the ground. Â Much better than hanging in your garage or becoming a vegetable from a bullet to the head. Â It’d be gory as hell but who gives a fuck. Â Thoughts?
And I have no idea why I’m posting it here but, I am. I’m exhausted. The only true smile that has come to my face in the past few years was just before my attempt several weeks ago – the rest of the time it has been this forced curvature which, I must say, I’ve become quite the expert at creating. The sadness. The consistent failures. The burden I’ve been to so many for so long. Iit’s just so tiring.
For almost 30 days I’ve had no contact with anyone in my personal life save three individuals one being my “brother” who lives quite literally thousands […]
Not everyday do the thoughts pass where i want to end it all .
But more than not do they come. I think everyone would go on with their lives if i were to just do it. Drink some concoction that never brings me back or just jump from my window, sure to snap my neck on the pavement. Ha ! So many ways to die and i am such a coward to not just do it.
These days I am increasingly struggling to find a reason to keep going. Everytime I go outside I feel that everyone is looking and judging me, analysing my every awkward move. Walking on the pavement/sidewalk towards oncoming traffic is the worst as It just feels like a barrage of people staring at you, judging you. I hate thinking this way and I know its not rational, but I cant shake it, its like I am defined by my anxiety. Even when I succeed at something, theres always a voice saying I should have done better- endless quest for perfection? then what?  I think what is making […]
So, I stumbled upon this site from Google. I haven’t been very depressed recently, and actually, my life has somewhat improved. It still is hard, but I would like to share my experience with you all.
I was 9 years old, and it was the summer after 3rd grade.
I had been raised by a loving, Catholic family, and went to a Catholic school. In my eyes, the world was a lovely place, and there was no other place I’d rather be. I had one best friend who I spent every day with. To me, everyone believed in God, because who wouldn’t?
My perfect vision of the […]
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It’s a song about the last 3 months. First time I really
actually felt suicidal, a bit of what led up to it and how
someone was there to help me get through. I dunno…
I guess you guys understand the need to express
ourselves right? It’s important. So here I am… telling it
like it is.
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(Never) Been Better. <—–YOUTUBE (if you wanna hear it)
and the man on the street
he ain’t worth the word he can’t keep
but that don’t stop his tongue
from dancing in his cheek
and he says…
“loser”, I mean you no harm
you’re not going anywhere
won’t be better than me
my eyes are glued
on […]
I guess I’m just your entertainment
Cuz my posts tend to rhyme
So for today’s show, I’ll dive to the pavement
And blow my brains out at the same time
‘Wow Nick, nice poem’
Is that all you’ve got to say?
No ‘Go out there and show ’em’
Just ‘I could read this all day’
Well golly sir, thank you!
Your compliment just changed my mind
I was gonna hang myself, but thanks to you
IÂ think I’ll be just fine
‘Well you don’t have to be a jerk
We were just being nice’
Sorry, but it didn’t work
And can I give you some advice?
Just because somebody is expressive
In a […]
“The Suburbs”
In the suburbs I
I learned to drive
And you told me we’d never survive
Grab your mother’s keys we’re leavin’
You always seemed so sure
That one day we’d be fighting
In a suburban war
Your part of town against mine
I saw you standing on the opposite shore
But by the time the first bombs fell
We were already bored
We were already, already bored
Sometimes I can’t believe it
I’m movin’ past the feeling
Sometimes I can’t believe it
I’m movin’ past the feeling again
Kids wanna be so hard
But in my dreams we’re still screamin’ and runnin’ through the yard
And all of […]
She’s upset,
Bad day,
Heads for the dresser drawer to drive the pain away,
Nothing good can come of this,
She opens it, there’s nothing,
There is only leftover tears,
Mum and Dad have no right she screams,
Anger runs down both of her cheeks.
Then she closed her eyes,
Found relief in a knife,
The blood flows as she cries.
All alone the way she feels,
Left alone to deal with,
All the pain drenched sorrowed relief,
Bite the lip just forget the bleeding.
And then she closed her eyes,
Found relief in a knife,
The blood flows as she cries.
Then she closed her eyes,
Found […]
I keep seeing such horrible images, be they in daydreams or nightmares. Myself, bleeding in a pool of blood. A shot to my head, my body limp on the pavement. An empty funeral home with my body set for all to see, and none to look. I cannot escape this feeling, this notion that I will leave this world alone. Lost in the turning seas of my inadequacies. I keep seeing macabre visions, destitute prospects, a shady future. The grave calls, and death seems imminent.
Maybe I’m not alive at all. Somehow, somewhere, I feel like part of me is long gone. Like the best and […]
The more honest you become with yourself, the less honest you can be with others, because you the more you sound like a nutcase.
Wheeee
I love my bycicle, it’s so worn and loyal. Getting rusty, and it’s a couple notches too big for my size which makes stopping and restarting a hassle and the front brake’s busted.
I daydream about getting straight out rammed by a monstrous car (then again what car isn’t a monster? Is there something uglier and more insulting than concrete?), a mangled bloody mess of broken nerves and metal lying on the pavement, a brainwave sliced by a cog.
An acrobatic improbable tumble where […]