Hi, I know it’s still a week away, but Happy Winter Solstice to everyone. I love this day because it’s the day in the northern hemisphere when the days start getting longer. Not by much, mind you, but a little every day. I am planning a party for the night before…. probably will eat too much. I’ve got a bottle of chocolate wine saved just for the occasion. I plan to build a fire in the fire pit out in the back yard and meditate on the solar new year, the darkness I want to discard, and the returning light. I’ll play my drum alone […]
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Pizza
I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve never been good at opening up to people, never really had any close friends who I can actually trust to tell this to. My parents, pshh I’d have more luck venting to my dog. So excuse me if I seem nervous.
I’m turning 24 in 4 days. A lot has happened to me in these 23 years of life. Not a lot of them good. And the worst things have happened within the last year.
I wish I was a kid again. Being a kid is so damn easy. You have not a single care in the world, other […]
I’ve completely ruined my life. Â But I don’t think I ever had one.
Things started spiriling out of control earlier this summer when I quit my job. I’ve been doing contract software development at home for years. It’s a life of sad isolation. I sit in my den and type away for days straight. The job was just going bad, I was losing interest and my boss new it. He pushed me and I snapped. It was sad, because when it started it seemed like there would be so much potential.
Anyway, something happened afterwards that made me realize I didn’t want to be a programmer anymore. […]
I am only 13. And I think about suicide often. Im so young, and ive had it so hard. Things just confuse me so much. When I was 10 I made a “reasoning book” Every time something kills me a little more inside, and makes me think of suicide I write it down in my reasoning book. My plan is when I get to my 100th reason, I will finally try to seek help. I will ask for help. I will put all my trust on a line, and ask for help. And if finding help fails, It will be my last day to breathe. […]
1:30 A.M.
Ghosts of my dreams of voices hit me randomly. I can’t explain what I hear, but it sounds like a voice, but like a broken record player rapidly replays what it said, anxiety fills me and then the continuous ringing fills my ears again.
I wonder when I’ll dream of it again.Â
7:10A.M.
Dreamt i was part of a program to test things for money. We started out on a metal bed where I laid down and it began descending. Quicker and quicker until I was free failing. While there i was freaking out until i realized it would lead to my death so […]
So yeah yesterday the 21th was my brothers birthday. He turned 6 this year. He was really happy, we had pizza, hotdogs, and a soccer cake. It was going really well… until dad came home from work. Like always he was drunk. So when it was time to eat the cake my dad started crying. Do you know how hard that was for ME, seeing my only father cry. I started crying as well… I was scared! My grandpa told him to calm down and eat. But then my dad got up went to the kitchen and grabes a knife. He then […]
Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up feeling okay, but then suddenly the sadness hit and I descended into the darkness again, thinking dangerous thoughts yet feeling dangerously numb and empty. I ended up lying in my bed for hours, too exhausted to move and too empty to cry, but too sad to sleep. Eventually, I got myself out of bed and tried to shake the sadness. I ended up in my kitchen, heating up a pizza. I couldn’t eat more than a few bites- it wasn’t exactly that I wasn’t hungry and I’m not dieting, it was just that I found the act […]
I decided yesterdaythat I need to practice beinq hunry cause I plan to runaway when I have enouqh money to by a bus ticket.I’m a veqetarian and yesterday I went over to my friend’s house,he was qrillinq hamburqers.I was starvinq s bad that I would’t ate three burqers!!Instead I went home to eta my face off!I felt bad.I started not eatinq aqain,different reason now.I said to myself why don’t I starve my self to death!qood Idea huh?I’m kinda happy that If I continue this Ill be qone:)but damn I’m starvinq,this Is hard!I want pizza and hot fries so feakinq bad!What do yall think?Is this Is […]