So yeah yesterday the 21th was my brothers birthday. He turned 6 this year. He was really happy, we had pizza, hotdogs, and a soccer cake. It was going really well… until dad came home from work. Like always he was drunk. So when it was time to eat the cake my dad started crying. Do you know how hard that was for ME, seeing my only father cry. I started crying as well… I was scared! My grandpa told him to calm down and eat. But then my dad got up went to the kitchen and grabes a knife. He then sat on the table and just cryed some more. My grandpa then asked him ” why do you need a knife”? My dad said ” I have some veins *pointing to his trough* he then tried to take the knife again from my gandpa, but he was to slow. I was there… I heard my own dad said that he was going to kill himself… my brother was there! My dad cryed and cryed he said he was tired of living. I guess I got that from him, he doesnt know that I self harm. No one from my family does. So after a while he started bleeding. So my aunt toke us out side; me, my bro, and the baby. I couldn’t stop crying… when we went back inside the floor was cover in blood! We went to my room and I asked to go to the bathroom, so I went got out my razor blade and cut. I cut my wrist. I toke some pills as well. Can you imagine a fucked up 11 year old!?! My brain is everywhere. I have problems. And know hearing my dad saying that he was going to kill himself fucked me even more. Ok, so then I went back to my room and was trying to sleep. But my aunt didn’t let me. I hated my dad! I hated him for ruining this day for my brother!! They toke him to the hospital and know his back. I really hope that my brother won’t remember this experience of his birthday. :'( but anyways happy birthday little dude!
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I am so sorry that was your experience and that of your brother. I hope that you both find some peace in the days to come.
I know you know this but I will say it anyway – cutting is not going to help, you are just copying your father and you hate him for doing it.
I have cut too, for many, many years and life is better if you don’t, it is really hard to give up, but it is better for you and for everyone. you sound like a wonderful and sensitive person and it sucks when you are at home and cannot escape situations like this one. I imagine you have to be very grown up already.
but things will change, I know it is hard to see now, but things will change and you have to do things that will make it better for you a (and maybe your brother)- but your father is NOT your responsibility – kids are never responsible for the actions of grown ups.
i wish I could do more than just this.
hey
I wanted to write this message as a message of hope.
I am a recovering alcoholic, I just want to say. That wasnt your dad you were seeing there. If he IS an addict and especially if he has mental health problems on top. It will be that which is making this happen. He will regret doing that when time has passed and he gets better. He will regret it so much that it will hurt so much.
When you are in the midst of addiction, people CANNOT see a way out because there is a compulsion to use that is so strong that it will over take pretty much anything. I know this because I love my FAMILY member more than anything in the world. Addiction changes people though so that they feel they cant stop and willpower no longer works. Often their ego stops them from seeking help. The good news is THERE IS HELP I know because I got it and Iv been right down there. Your dad isnt a bad man, he’s a sick man who needs to get well. You have to realise that. Keep the faith, call AA alcoholics anonymous found online or NA narcotics anonymous. Its not as bad as it sounds, there are people there who arent park bench drunks but normal people like myself just trying to find their way. Give it a go and message me back.
Thank you @Tomgirl for your wonderful words. I know that cutting sounds wrong on a 11 yr old but it’s the only way that I feel… it’s hard to explain but I also have anorexia. I have other illnesses as well. Anyways thanks again for tryig to help, and yeah I know that my dad isn’t my responsibility but there no one else. Thank you! I really appreciate you taking your time to read part of my story now.
I have never had anorexia – that would be hard. and you are welcome. I do understand cutting. I said to a friend that giving up cutting was like giving up weeing – it seems so natural and if you don’t do it – it really hurts.
anyway, good luck.