ughh my life sucks. recently got sober from bad drug addiction..again. went to rehab 6 months, when i get out my ‘gf’ is 5 months pregnant (ya, not mine obviously].. end up relapsing…i still love this girl, she got me on the drugs in the first place….she’s had the kid now, she only calls when she needs something..i always help her out [always been the case]. now shes sober, or so she says… as am i, and she wont talk to me.. i got a new job, she came in the restaurant i manage with her baby daddy not knowing i worked there…just sent me […]
Tag:
point
Rereading the title of this post almost makes me chuckle. The passivity inherent in it, that eventually I will do something, is the way i’ve been living my life up until this point. It’s part of the reason I want to end my life. But not the only reason.
The reason is, I have always felt outside of the norm. I’ve always felt rejected and set aside, despite being told I was loved, I felt somehow dismissed. I know that in school I was indeed rejected and set aside. I was a wierd kid. I can’t let go of the idea of what I used to be, […]
So I’ve been seeing someone to help straighten me out. I’m not sure he understands fully. I have a plan, and a am willing to go through with this. I was waiting to see if things got better. My anxiety has somewhat. I should be thankful for that. I still just find relief in completing the plan. I don’t think it will mean anything for anyone. Even he said no one would give a crap. No kidding. It’s not for anyone else though. Just for me. The only thing I’ve truly ever done for myself. I am waiting patiently. I don’t have a date. I just […]
I feel tired. And emotionless. If I can’t feel joy, fine, I’ll choose pain as a close second. Most times I have to smoke or drink in order to feel that pain. It’s almost cathartic.
I go about my days wondering why the fuck I’m still here. The way I think, the way I do things just never seem to match up with how the world works. My personality isn’t exactly the most pleasant which holds me back in almost everything, including job opportunities and relationships. It scares me. I’m not doing anything, not contributing anything… not enjoying any part of this fucked up sedentary lifestyle. Let’s […]
I imagine my story is a lot like everyone else’s. Crud family & upbringing, string of abusive men, over achieving intellectual, unemployed, getting older, desperate to be normal & fit in. All I’ve ever got right is my two boys. My life shouldn’t cause suicidal thoughts, but last night I tried again. Obviously didn’t work. Ex saved me. I just see no point to my existence…at all.
What’s the point of suicidal thoughts if they won’t ever be translated into action? They’re just torturous. Getting better looks like a giant, long, leaking tunnel- almost impossible to move through. Yet death isn’t an option. How do you remedy this?
I have an abusive partner, rarely physical abuse. It’s abuse which is carefully engineered to hurt me from within. Emotional abuse is the worst form I believe. It destroys your mind and leaves you with numbness. Everyday I suffer, in one way or another. I feel myself getting closer and closer to the point of no return. The one thing keeping me here is my son. I’m beginning to feel even he would be better without all of this. Maybe he can then have a happy childhood.
I have no family, I have no friends, this account and post was created in secret. I know it’s […]
Im so isolated. Everything i do is meaningless. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe there in lays the beauty.
I don’t know where to go with this. I don’t even know that the details are worth it. Especially the past year, every time I make a little progress – work, finances, friendships – that and more are ripped from me.
What the fuck did I do that I’m always being punished? What I did – as though I had control over it – was that I was born. I survived physical, verbal, emotional and sexual abuse. I’ve survived HIV. I’ve survived losing everything including my home just over a decade ago. And it’s really time to end this nonsense. I’ve known for a while how […]
My brokenness has cost me the man who matters most and has isolated me from my children. There is no way to rebuild. There is too much work and I don’t have the strength. I am so scared. I am a coward. A trashy piece of worthless wasted air.
I don’t trust anyone, especially myself. I hid razor blades throughout the house. Figured that was a smart thing to do. ha ha ha
What the fuck was the point of this existence?
It is hot and sunny out. 12:30pm. I hate feeling this way when it looks like that outside. When it’s daylight. Feeling suicidal in the sense that it’s more comforting to think about suicide then it is to think about how awful and worthless I am, but I’m not sure I would actually attempt something.
I got a new job. A real job. Real money. Real benefits. I should be ecstatic right now…and I was yesterday. So much so that my head was completely spinning with lists. Things I need to do. Things I need to buy. Things I need to be. Spin spin spin. I […]
I don’t understand I was so damn elated this morning and the past few days and I really thought my life was going to change for the long run but then out of fucking no where a deep sense of sadness hits me and im literally and figuratively aching at this point. This happens too damn often and its the worst??? Why cant I be constantly happy?? Hell, ill take content?? Fuck Ill go from rainbows and fucking rays of sunshine to a damn psycho contemplating whether to walk into a busy road?? I don’t understand?????
What do I want to do with my brief time on this wonderful planet? I mean life goes so fast. Why throw it away?
Except that all I really want right now is to not feel this anymore. Loneliness. Fear. Isolation. Loss. Self-hatred. Longing. Emptiness. Anger.
There are so many interesting things I could be doing with my time. But nothing means anything anymore. Nothing feels worthwhile. Whatever I’m doing, my underlying feelings remain focused on the life I can’t live.
How can you function, and not descend into destructive behavior, when regardless of what you do, there’s this hole inside sucking in all your attention?
Drinking doesn’t help. […]
I wake up each day wondering what I am doing and why I am still awake.
I had aspirations and hopes that lifted me up really high only to drop me in abyss of nothingness. Live to the fullest? What is the point? For what? For myself? I hate to break the news. There is no more me left as I no longer can feel anything except my weakening willpower and body as the days go by.
What is life for really? What is this pursuit for life actually? For happiness which will slowly fade away to nothingness? For challenging your brain which will […]
First post here, or in public at all about how I’m really feeling…
I’ve been depressed and suicidal for years. Been on lots of different meds, admitted and discharged a few times with no improvements, and a few failed suicide attempts too. I’m at a point where I’m seriously looking for something effective, but hopefully not leave a gruesome scene – I don’t want family to find my body hanging when getting home from work or for some poor sod having to pick up pieces of me quickly to keep busy commuters happy…
I am writing this with a heavy heart. It’s been awhile. I’d just go straight to my point, yeah?
Did you actually miss me? Because I know I don’t.
As time goes by, I find that I have lesser and lesser things to tell you about. I actually struggle to talk to you. I don’t even know what to say to you sometimes. In order to keep This alive, I’ve tried my best to push myself out to talk to you, and so I always send you pictures. Since they speak of a thousand (make that million!) words, ha ha.
The love I once had for […]
I’ve been alone in my depression my entire life. I’ve got social anxiety so I’m basically a recluse. My depression is treatment resistant. The longest a medication has worked for me is two months before it stops and needs to be changed. To add to it I get the worst side effects. Uncontrollable muscle movements slurred speech and worse. I can’t take life anymore. I need a friend and a hug and someone to just hold me while I cry. It just doesn’t end. With everything going bad in my life I want to die so bad but I’m too big a coward to kill […]
So today I buried the man who was the closest thing to an actual father I had, and at the funeral my asshole of a stepfather who wasn’t half the man my uncle was, had the nerve to come talk to me about what I should or shouldn’t do with my uncles estate. It took every ounce of restraint not to knock his ass on the ground and pulverize him. Afterwards he begins to walk around and talk to people about his work. News flash, it’s a funeral. No one gives a shit about what you have to talk about. People are mourning the loss […]
My dad just came in my room and pretty much told me I’m an asshole. Then he said that I just like to make everybody miserable. I don’t even know why he made a point to say that he loves me, when clearly he’s just miserable he has to be with me.
I used to love my dad but now he just makes me feel so worthless. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for a long time now. But he just keeps pushing me further and further.
The worst part is that he doesn’t even know. He doesn’t know that I feel depressed, or that I want to kill […]
she was my motivation for college. now shes gone. i am nothing. there is no point anymore.