I need a friend

I’ve been alone in my depression my entire life. I’ve got social anxiety so I’m basically a recluse. My depression is treatment resistant. The longest a medication has worked for me is two months before it stops and needs to be changed. To add to it I get the worst side effects. Uncontrollable muscle movements slurred speech and worse. I can’t take life anymore. I need a friend and a hug and someone to just hold me while I cry. It just doesn’t end. With everything going bad in my life I want to die so bad but I’m too big a coward to kill myself. I’ve tried in the past it only makes things worse. Everyone calls you selfish and just makes you feel worse. My favorite question was “What about your family?” I’ve felt the pain of their rejection my entire childhood when they told me to get out of their face when all I wanted was their acceptance. I’m 36 now and my childhood was so bad that only the pedophiles made me feel wanted, and being that my mother was single and alcoholic there were plenty of them. At what point in time can I give myself permission to give up without feeling guilty or selfish? They never wanted me around in my youth so why would they want me now?